Like many of you, I suffered from an emotionally distant mother. My father died when I was 7, and my mother remarried a wonderful man when I was 12. They've now been married 44 years.
But unlike many of you, I didn't react to the neglect (at first) by withdrawing. I was angry and aggressive, but in a socially acceptable way. I was funny and snide. I was popular at school and almost always had a boyfriend. Surprisingly, my friends all thought my mother was great!
When I got older and went to therapy for the unexplained anger and depression I felt, my therapist asked me lots of questions about possible abuse in my childhood. I remember my flip answer, "It's not like I was burned with cigarettes." My therapist showed me an article on emotional neglect. It was like a light came on and I finally had a name for the feelings I had always felt. It's taken 35 years and I still struggle with the aftereffects.
I met a woman when I was in my mid-30s and we had similar backgrounds. We quickly ended up sharing and comparing stories of our emotionally distant mothers. Her reaction to that upbringing was to withdraw and feel inadequate. Mine was quite the opposite. I used to joke and say that she had an inferiority complex, while I had a superiority complex.
Even as a young teenager (12-13 years old), I reasoned that if my mother couldn't appreciate me then it was her problem because I was fantastic. That attitude helped me get through school, college, get married and raise 2 children (and do a pretty good job of it!). It was in the last 10 years I really was able to forgive her. My anger toward her has been replaced by a deep sadness.
Now she has early dementia and I will never be able to talk to her about why she treated me the way she did. It's like she's already dead.
But unlike many of you, I didn't react to the neglect (at first) by withdrawing. I was angry and aggressive, but in a socially acceptable way. I was funny and snide. I was popular at school and almost always had a boyfriend. Surprisingly, my friends all thought my mother was great!
When I got older and went to therapy for the unexplained anger and depression I felt, my therapist asked me lots of questions about possible abuse in my childhood. I remember my flip answer, "It's not like I was burned with cigarettes." My therapist showed me an article on emotional neglect. It was like a light came on and I finally had a name for the feelings I had always felt. It's taken 35 years and I still struggle with the aftereffects.
I met a woman when I was in my mid-30s and we had similar backgrounds. We quickly ended up sharing and comparing stories of our emotionally distant mothers. Her reaction to that upbringing was to withdraw and feel inadequate. Mine was quite the opposite. I used to joke and say that she had an inferiority complex, while I had a superiority complex.
Even as a young teenager (12-13 years old), I reasoned that if my mother couldn't appreciate me then it was her problem because I was fantastic. That attitude helped me get through school, college, get married and raise 2 children (and do a pretty good job of it!). It was in the last 10 years I really was able to forgive her. My anger toward her has been replaced by a deep sadness.
Now she has early dementia and I will never be able to talk to her about why she treated me the way she did. It's like she's already dead.
