General Reading With Awe

[malibran]

Hello All,
I am new to the site an have been reading with awe all the wonderful information you give each other and the friendship and kindness offered. I am in a relationship with a vet who has Ptsd and am trying to understand where he begins and this disorder ends. It is not easy and although I love him and he loves me, I am not sure what is really expected of me as the carer here with him. I am already in too deeply and way over my head actually with him and have trouble with the intense emotional closeness we have contrasted by his way of distancing me by putting me into a separate corner of his life. I feel as if he has access to me whenever he needs and wants it but my access to him is very very restricted. He is divorced but his 2 sons live with him. He will not include me or introduce me to his family and he doesn't seem to think this is odd at all. We have been friends for one year and lovers for the last 6 months. We meet several times a week and I know this man adores me. He is fine to be with but I also know that he has very set boundries and I am not to trespass. I feel as if I have to be the reasonable one and the undrrstanding one all the the time and have patience for 2 saints. So far it has been OK but neither of us are kids (we are in our 60s ) and I am not interested in waiting 10 more years for him to include me into his life and introduce me to his friends and family.
He tells me that PTSD makes him very cautious and that he is sure he won't live very long. I found out here that this is very common.
I have no children and only cousins as family. He has a large family and I am confused about why he thinks he has to go out of his way to keep us distanced. Does anyone have any ideas about this? It would be really helpful if anyone could throw some light on this for me. I have never met with this before. This not introduceing someone you adore and love to your friends and family.

Thnaks

Malibran

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Malibran

I wish I could offer you advice/answers however all I have is my opinion.

If you take PTSD out of the equation, I would have a real issue with being a secret so far into the relationship. While being cautious is a symptom of PTSD it is also one of those who have been hurt before. I would perhaps be able to digest being only known as a friend to the children at this stage but even that would be gnawing at me after 6 months of a relationship.

How old are the children? Does he go out with you in public or are you a blanket secret or just one to family?

 

[2quilt]

Could it be gossip in the family? Maybe your vet thinks that his family is just too warped to meet you, or that they will somehow make you leave him? Does his family embarrass him?

I thought my family was too twisted for color tv until I met my husband's family. Now we look in "News of the Weird" every week for my husband's last name.

Every time someone in his family does something insane, (weekly basis) I ask myself why I married into this bunch willingly.

"If your mudflaps have been declared offensive in 23 states...you might be a redneck."--Jeff Foxworthy

"If babysitters never work for you more than once...you might be a redneck."--Jeff Foxworthy

 

[pebbels]

Hello Malibran,

Sorry i can't answer that one for you either but my thinking if i were in your situation would be wtf and where is the family going to fit in should we decide to take it a step further and make a life together and will i meet them then.

I would be asking him that and then making a decision as to whether i continue seeing him or not.

Their are allowances one makes with a sufferer but not on what values one has, you oviously think family are important and it is the norm to be intrduced to them, he doesn't out of fear of WHAT?

Who is to say it has anything to do with ptsd, as nicolette said, take ptsd out of the equasion and what are you left with, Why is he hiding you?

All the best
Pebs

 

[malibran]

Dear Pbs, Nicolette and 2quilt,

Thank you all so much for your input on all this. I just have zero idea what is responsible for such a strange attitude on his part--keeping me a secret this way. In fact keeping his connection with me so secret.

His sons are 21 and 28 but both live at home with him. The 28 yr old was out on his own but this economy forced him back last year.

Actually just today we had a very intense conversation about this and I told him that I was really sad and unhappy about this and was not sure how much longer I could or would put up with it...this being isolated on the exterior of his life. I also told him that the weirdest thing of all was that he thought this was totally normal.

Yes his family is strange and he has told me that some of them would be a shock for me . They are also a clan (Italian) and apparently were he to introduce me at some family event they would all assume we were an item about to marry.

This is absurd because he is 61 and not 21 and he doesn't give a damn what anyone thinks about his life choices.

I called him on it and today for the first time he agreed that his fears and freezing me out "might not be " a normal way love relationships work.
I think we made great progress today but he is still not willing to stay overnight. Not go off for a weekend not introduce me to any of his friends.

He says he is too unable to commit.

Here is my question; In PTSD are sufferers this irrational? How can an otherwise brilliant man (in his work) confuse simply me seeing where and how he lives, meeting his friends and staying over night etc with COMMITMENT?

This is so off the charts that it was why I thought this HAD to be a PTSD thing and maybe lots of other sufferers feel the same way.

All of you have set me straight on it. This man has major relationship issues aside from the PTSD.
I must say I feel stupid about this and asking about it but I need the feedback.

It is the strangest thing I have ever come across to think it normal that a person shuts a lover out of all contact with his life. How can I know him if he refuses to let me see him in the context of his life. Right?

Now to delve more and separate the PTSD out of it (Thanks Nicolette, that was sage advice)

Malibran