I have been both helped and hurt by them. When going through records from my actual therapist, I think I learned that I was not as good at mindreading as I had previously assumed. I always assumed he thought I was more crazy or derranged than I really am. I secretly thought I was crazy (and still do sometimes). I had visions of his records recording a lot of horrible thoughts that he was thinking about me. They had none of that in reality. Pretty much, what was in his record was what we had discussed. There were no surprises.
On the other hand, I was also allowed to read records from a different doctor that I only visited once. While this record was not necessairly full of surprises, it did bother me tremendously. The other doctor said things that we did not discuss, but that were on his mind. In this case, my mind reading proved to be correct. I still have not gotten through processing that one. While i dont agree with the assessment, I dont know what to do about it.
I'm glad I read it though. At least I know where I stand. At the same time, knowing might not be a good thing. I have become accustomed to reading other people, and subconsciously modifying my behavior to stay out of trouble and fly under the radar. I'm afraid of doing this with my therapist. It is not really intentional. I've just done it for so long that I am not sure how to stop. In requesting to read records, I have to keep in mind that my honesty in the relationship might be unintentionally compromised. I run the risk of ruining the theraputic relationship by being less than genuine.
On the other hand, I was also allowed to read records from a different doctor that I only visited once. While this record was not necessairly full of surprises, it did bother me tremendously. The other doctor said things that we did not discuss, but that were on his mind. In this case, my mind reading proved to be correct. I still have not gotten through processing that one. While i dont agree with the assessment, I dont know what to do about it.
I'm glad I read it though. At least I know where I stand. At the same time, knowing might not be a good thing. I have become accustomed to reading other people, and subconsciously modifying my behavior to stay out of trouble and fly under the radar. I'm afraid of doing this with my therapist. It is not really intentional. I've just done it for so long that I am not sure how to stop. In requesting to read records, I have to keep in mind that my honesty in the relationship might be unintentionally compromised. I run the risk of ruining the theraputic relationship by being less than genuine.
