Relationship Realistically, What Are Carers' Limits?

[OKRADLAK]

Hello dear supporters.

I read these threads to try to get an understanding of what is realistic to expect from carers. I tend to stay away from any type if relationship because it's too complex. When I have been in relationships, I know they have been hard on us both.

So to the carers out there.......What are things you cannot accept (other than violence and abuse and the like) and what are Must Haves??

 

[MurphyJB]

I think this will be different for everyone....personally, I won't accept it when my partner doesn't try. It's not acceptable to just give up on treatment.

 

[Innordinate]

Hello dear supporters.
So to the carers out there.......What are things you cannot accept (other than violence and abuse and the like) and what are Must Haves??

I'd like to know too.

 

[May1321]

personally, I won't accept it when my partner doesn't try

I agree. I think this is all I can ask of my sufferer. Is that he continues his therapy. I know to the deepest depths of my understanding that it is going to be painful, and miserable, and worse before it gets better. I also know - from different points of my worse moments - that it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are in the midst of working through any dispair. However, what has always helped me is the never-ending support from a 'carer' always there to give me the shoulder, or offer a hand, or just the open and unjudgemental ear to allow me to get through.

I understand also that people give up on you when they can't even take care of themselves or don't want to face their crap. Others give up on you when you aren't willing to be objective and consider there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

So as a supporter, or carer, what I look for is the steps in the right direction. I have learned how to take care of myself and have my own support group for my tougher days... But for him - even if his steps are small... and they vary for everyone. Knowing that 'he' is trying... he is asking questions (like you all are)... he is staying open to the 'light'... then I know that nothing else (aside from physical abuse) is worth walking away from being their as his friend - his supporter - the carrier of HIS light so that he may hold it when he gets out of the end of his tunnel.

 

[MurphyJB]

I've been thinking about this since I've posted...and I'd like to add a bit more.

I understand that there are hard days...days where the anxiety and depression is unbearable. BUT it is NOT okay when I am not allowed to have a bad day as well. My bad days obviously aren't the same, but they still suck for me. Understanding, or at least trying to understand how I feel is important.

Relationships are give and take. I can't be the only one that gives. I am willig to give more, but I can't be the only one that us holding the relationship together. It is beyond stressful and won't work for very long.

There's my 2 cents...I hope it helped.

 

[OKRADLAK]

This is a question that kinda haunts me.....what if the sufferer is trying but the carer insists he/she is not? Bu the sufferer cannot seem to get on the same page, does not agree with what trying is, etc?

 

[MurphyJB]

I think that as a sufferer if you're with someone who doesn't acknowledge that your trying, then it's time to reevaluate why you're with that person.

I know I lose my patience with D sometimes, but I know he tries every single day. Even if he just tries to wake up amd get out of bed. Even baby steps are important.

 

[Nicolette]

Getting back to the initial question what things cannot you accept..........Violence and abuse are the main things. The others are variables which you might be able to handle in small doses but not ongoing such as:

• drinking/drugs
• using PTSD as an excuse
• extensive isolation - why be in a relationship if you want to be alone all the time?
• the Sufferer not willing to take on board recurring problems being pointed out to them (guess ongoing denial would sum it up)
• the relationship being a one way street - ie having PTSD being the be all and end all of one person consistently requiring and demanding more than the other
• being hypocritical - saying needing help but doing nothing about it - it is not a Supporters responsibility to be the other person's backbone and work horse (again on an ongoing basis - not just a funk period)
• lack of significance and empathy to the Supporter (go back to the relationship being a one way street)

As for your second question Okradlak, there are a lot of relationships where people are not on the same page without PTSD. The answer to this lies in communication and working towards understanding each other.

 

[May1321]

In time and with ongoing communication, if your supporter is truly a 'supporter' they will know and see your efforts just as you will know and see their truest care.

 

[amethist]

To me all of what Nicolette has already said plus:-

The same respect you would show your partner, if PTSD was not in the mix.

Defiantly without question, no infidelity at all. First sign of that and hubby would be out of here.

Okradlak. To me if the supporter cannot see their sufferer trying, even when they are doing all they can, whether it be a good or bad day. Then that is a fault of the supporter, they need to take a step back and just watch from a slight distance. IMO

We all make mistakes, and the learning curve goes on and on. Both side have to adapt as they recover more, remembering that set back's can and do happen. But this should not mean a complete backwards slide.