Relationship Realistic steps they need to take?

[Stitch77777]

My girlfriend has PMDD and PTSD.

Been on and off a few years now. The relationship cycle pretty much goes as follows.

We build trust, stability, truly are happy, and bring out the best in each other.

A particularly bad bout of PMDD erupts. I suddenly become the worst person in the world happens pretty much overnight.

Which is followed by a crisis, a justification why she needs distance herself, make big life changes, decisions that always effect the relationship in a negative way.

The relationship becomes unstable as a result.

It's presented to me that i'm to blame and this is the consequence for some minor infraction I've apparently done or not done.

The relationship spirals downwards due to the distance it creates, which destroys its stability.

During the distance/isolation phase her life is always in complete chaos/crisis due to all these huge decisions change of direction suddenly implemented whilst unregulated.

This is where she really struggles. Relationship and life in complete crisis at this point.

It's like a cascade effect intitiated by PMDD which dances with the effects of PTSD.

Stability in the relationship is slowly built, and stability in life follows.

Until the next next time.


I've educated myself on PMDD, PTSD even read books for people in relationships with people with BPD (which she doesn't have but the techniques are helpful to some degree), talked to therapists.

I'm pretty much doing everything I can support her and do my part in this relationship to make it work.

We love eachother dearly and both equally want this to work.


This cycle (which I'm blamed for ) needs to stop. Or at the very least in need to see some form accouability, and make some sort of plan together to manage the issues we're having (which is impossible at the moment whilst she believes I'm 100% to blame).

I know there isn't a magic cure, I accept that these conditions will never go away.

But I think I'm at the point where I need to see changes and to see her taking accountability for her part in things and seeing her take realistic steps to help herself.

I'm going to have a big talk with her when she isn't unregulated in the middle of a crisis.

I want this to work but I need to see her helping herself and doing the work to manage this condition.


Realistically what steps do you think a person with PTSD/PMDD needs to be taking in order to manage their condition and build healthy relationships?

 

[JennyB]

My girlfriend has PMDD and PTSD.

Been on and off a few years now. The relationship cycle pretty much goes as follows.

We build trust, stability, truly are happy, and bring out the best in each other.

A particularly bad bout of PMDD erupts. I suddenly become the worst person in the world happens pretty much overnight.

Which is followed by a crisis, a justification why she needs distance herself, make big life changes, decisions that always effect the relationship in a negative way.

The relationship becomes unstable as a result.

It's presented to me that i'm to blame and this is the consequence for some minor infraction I've apparently done or not done.

The relationship spirals downwards due to the distance it creates, which destroys its stability.

During the distance/isolation phase her life is always in complete chaos/crisis due to all these huge decisions change of direction suddenly implemented whilst unregulated.

This is where she really struggles. Relationship and life in complete crisis at this point.

It's like a cascade effect intitiated by PMDD which dances with the effects of PTSD.

Stability in the relationship is slowly built, and stability in life follows.

Until the next next time.


I've educated myself on PMDD, PTSD even read books for people in relationships with people with BPD (which she doesn't have but the techniques are helpful to some degree), talked to therapists.

I'm pretty much doing everything I can support her and do my part in this relationship to make it work.

We love eachother dearly and both equally want this to work.


This cycle (which I'm blamed for ) needs to stop. Or at the very least in need to see some form accouability, and make some sort of plan together to manage the issues we're having (which is impossible at the moment whilst she believes I'm 100% to blame).

I know there isn't a magic cure, I accept that these conditions will never go away.

But I think I'm at the point where I need to see changes and to see her taking accountability for her part in things and seeing her take realistic steps to help herself.

I'm going to have a big talk with her when she isn't unregulated in the middle of a crisis.

I want this to work but I need to see her helping herself and doing the work to manage this condition.


Realistically what steps do you think a person with PTSD/PMDD needs to be taking in order to manage their condition and build healthy relationships?

I read this and it truly resonates with me. My situation is complicated because we have 2 little children. My husband just moved into the spare bedroom this weekend, shaved his head, changed his whole appearance, and is now heavily drinking nightly. It gets worse, but I won't elaborate here.

I hear you and feel the same way with my spouse. The cycle is so destructive to themselves and everyone around. I've asked for him to leave for a few months to work on himself without causing the destruction on the house and her refuses.

*hugs* through our strength and accepting what we cannot change, we will prevail!

 

[Stitch77777]

I read this and it truly resonates with me. My situation is complicated because we have 2 little children. My husband just moved into the spare bedroom this weekend, shaved his head, changed his whole appearance, and is now heavily drinking nightly. It gets worse, but I won't elaborate here.

I hear you and feel the same way with my spouse. The cycle is so destructive to themselves and everyone around. I've asked for him to leave for a few months to work on himself without causing the destruction on the house and her refuses.

*hugs* through our strength and accepting what we cannot change, we will prevail!

What hurts the most is the heartbreak. Literally every cycle my heart gets broke.

Reliving the pain of break up or isolation continuesly.

 

[Cheri]

I am on vacation so sorry for thé shortness of my reply.

I have PMDD. My husband has PTSD. I eventually had to be medicated with low dose prozac to manage my PMDD. It’s a horrible ride and I felt bad for my husband having to deal with the cyclical nature of my symptoms. One day I cried in my room for 9 hours. Shortly after that I decided to medicate.

 

[Annie1123]

My girlfriend has PMDD and PTSD.

Been on and off a few years now. The relationship cycle pretty much goes as follows.

We build trust, stability, truly are happy, and bring out the best in each other.

A particularly bad bout of PMDD erupts. I suddenly become the worst person in the world happens pretty much overnight.

Which is followed by a crisis, a justification why she needs distance herself, make big life changes, decisions that always effect the relationship in a negative way.

The relationship becomes unstable as a result.

It's presented to me that i'm to blame and this is the consequence for some minor infraction I've apparently done or not done.

The relationship spirals downwards due to the distance it creates, which destroys its stability.

During the distance/isolation phase her life is always in complete chaos/crisis due to all these huge decisions change of direction suddenly implemented whilst unregulated.

This is where she really struggles. Relationship and life in complete crisis at this point.

It's like a cascade effect intitiated by PMDD which dances with the effects of PTSD.

Stability in the relationship is slowly built, and stability in life follows.

Until the next next time.


I've educated myself on PMDD, PTSD even read books for people in relationships with people with BPD (which she doesn't have but the techniques are helpful to some degree), talked to therapists.

I'm pretty much doing everything I can support her and do my part in this relationship to make it work.

We love eachother dearly and both equally want this to work.


This cycle (which I'm blamed for ) needs to stop. Or at the very least in need to see some form accouability, and make some sort of plan together to manage the issues we're having (which is impossible at the moment whilst she believes I'm 100% to blame).

I know there isn't a magic cure, I accept that these conditions will never go away.

But I think I'm at the point where I need to see changes and to see her taking accountability for her part in things and seeing her take realistic steps to help herself.

I'm going to have a big talk with her when she isn't unregulated in the middle of a crisis.

I want this to work but I need to see her helping herself and doing the work to manage this condition.


Realistically what steps do you think a person with PTSD/PMDD needs to be taking in order to manage their condition and build healthy relationships?

If your partner is willing, maybe you two can discuss things while things are going well - like planning ahead for an emergency. You could even consider saying, "It's alright to say 'I'm feeling [insert emotion here] because [trigger, interpretation, etc.]' but I am not okay with [whatever feels not-okay when it happens]." Or you could have this discussion with a therapist together, with the understanding that you two are trying to change the dynamic so that it does not continue to eat away at your relationship in this cyclical fashion.

I don't have PMDD, but I have been noticing for a while that I feel a lot more sensitive and that my emotions are more difficult to regulate in the 10 days prior to my period. If your partner's cycle is fairly regular, you could make sure you're both aware of when you all are entering the time where things are going to be more fragile, and try to give each other a little more love and care, or at least both acknowledge that it may be PMDD that is making things more difficult in that moment, so you can at least pause and step back, so you can do some self-care together or apart. I highly recommend that she talk to her doctor about it, because she doesn't have to suffer through those episodes and just try to "do better" because hormones do not play fair with our brains - there are real things that can help with those symptoms. For myself, I have started to communicate with my partner (who has cPTSD) when I am in the "danger zone" and am feeling more sensitive than usual. I have also ordered a PMS supplement to try from Hyland's Naturals, as I have heard it can help a lot with mood swings (and I've had good results with their Calms Forte product for calming down and getting to sleep when needed).

 

[Stitch77777]

If your partner is willing, maybe you two can discuss things while things are going well - like planning ahead for an emergency. You could even consider saying, "It's alright to say 'I'm feeling [insert emotion here] because [trigger, interpretation, etc.]' but I am not okay with [whatever feels not-okay when it happens]." Or you could have this discussion with a therapist together, with the understanding that you two are trying to change the dynamic so that it does not continue to eat away at your relationship in this cyclical fashion.

I don't have PMDD, but I have been noticing for a while that I feel a lot more sensitive and that my emotions are more difficult to regulate in the 10 days prior to my period. If your partner's cycle is fairly regular, you could make sure you're both aware of when you all are entering the time where things are going to be more fragile, and try to give each other a little more love and care, or at least both acknowledge that it may be PMDD that is making things more difficult in that moment, so you can at least pause and step back, so you can do some self-care together or apart. I highly recommend that she talk to her doctor about it, because she doesn't have to suffer through those episodes and just try to "do better" because hormones do not play fair with our brains - there are real things that can help with those symptoms. For myself, I have started to communicate with my partner (who has cPTSD) when I am in the "danger zone" and am feeling more sensitive than usual. I have also ordered a PMS supplement to try from Hyland's Naturals, as I have heard it can help a lot with mood swings (and I've had good results with their Calms Forte product for calming down and getting to sleep when needed).

I think you nailed it when you said Hormones don't play fair.

Conversations are all well and good when they are not interfering but that all goes out the window whilst it's happening in the moment.

I think self awareness whilst triggered by either condition is quite a tall task to expect/ask for in the moment.

Especially when intense emotions are the driving force behind her actions and often quite twisted rationalisations.

I'm not expecting either condition to go away, I'm in for the long haul with her but for that to be a reality she needs to get to the point she has enough self awareness to stop shifting/ deplacing all the intense emotions she's feeling onto me.

As in "I feel highly emotional right now , it must be you, it is you, it's all your fault, you did this , you're a horrible person, I hate you , you deserve this".

*Insert a reason / justification (often not even factually accurate).

It escalated to the point sometimes it feels like I'm in an abusive relationship.

I think professional help is definitely needed. Doctors for hormonal and medicinal aspects, therapy and a commitment and dedication to helping herself.

I think I also need to see accountability. As in actually be willing to face the reality on how both conditions negatively impact our relationship and not brushed off.

I question if it's achievable or not. But if we could get to the point where she would stop displacing everything onto me , that would be a massive breakthrough for us.

 

[Stitch77777]

I know she's the only person that can help herself.

In regards of me and my own sanity right now. I'm focusing hard on myself. As I'm feeling a bit beat down to be honest.

The only way to change that reality is keep on improving and striving to be a better man.

I'm already in a great position in life. So I'll keep putting my time and energy into self improvement in every aspect of my mind, body and soul.

It's all a bit heartbreaking to be honest. I love her to bits. I desperately want this to work.

Fingers crossed. All I can do is my part.

 

[Arsee]

My partner has CPTSD. The techniques for how to deescalate once he is triggered= useless. Completely useless… why? Because he has INTENSE dysregulation and emotional flashbacks. I feel like most therapists focus on how to manage once triggered, but that is far too late for some people. So the focus now is prevention: Daily meditation (twice a day) exercise (twice a day). In-person exposure therapy to work on densensitizing to triggers. Medication. CBT talk therapy. This is the schedule he has designed for himself. From me: He needs to be able apologize (when regulated), and take responsibility for his behavior. I’m fortunate in that we don’t live together, so if I find out he is not doing daily maintenance (shared data on Apple Health), he knows I will not interact with him. No text, no phone calls, no in person visits…. Nothing. It sounds harsh, but the never ending cycle of happy-not happy-feel good- chaos- explosion-stress- walking on eggshells … it’s affecting my mental and physical health. If there’s no accountability by him, then we can’t have a relationship. If hes not going to do the work and wants to crash and burn, he’s not taking me down with him. The relationship might work out, and it might not. It’s never going to be stable. Finally accepting that has allowed me to take care of myself and set a FIRM boundary. I think something else that therapists also don’t do a great job of telling you (as a partner) is that you will never be able to rely on someone that is struggling with this. The relationship can not be looked at holistically- it is a moment by moment thing. They will be there, then they won’t be there. It will never be a “normal” relationship. Establish your life apart from theirs, as if you are single. Have resources in place for emergencies and friends on standby if you need help. They will occupy a much smaller portion of your life than you will want them to. You will never be able to fully rely on your partner until there is a cure for this horrible affliction. If you expect more than that from a partner, you’ll probably have to find someone else. It sounds cynical, but accepting this has finally brought me some peace and I feel far less isolated than I did when I was when I was always wrapped up in his emotions. Adults need to be able to take care of themselves.

I know she's the only person that can help herself.

In regards of me and my own sanity right now. I'm focusing hard on myself. As I'm feeling a bit beat down to be honest.

The only way to change that reality is keep on improving and striving to be a better man.

I'm already in a great position in life. So I'll keep putting my time and energy into self improvement in every aspect of my mind, body and soul.

It's all a bit heartbreaking to be honest. I love her to bits. I desperately want this to work.

Fingers crossed. All I can do is my part.

I think you have the right attitude. Focus on yourself. If she can’t come through for you, then consider that maybe she can’t fulfill your needs in the relationship. Love is not enough. It is no substitute for action.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I am on the other side since I was recently diagnosed with with PTSD and Emotional Dysregulation. I found out about the PTSD a few weeks before my wife told me we were at an inflection point and that she needed us to live apart for at least 3-4 months while she contemplates the future of the relationship, if there is one. While in intense pain over this I found out about my dysregulation. I am 1,000 miles away from her and we speak once a week. Sometimes my despair over this is like nothing I have ever experienced. I started with a new therapist here since my old one can’t talk to me when I am out of state. Now that I can see my life story in the stories of others with PTSD and emotional dysregulation everything is becoming clear to me. I have a ton of work to do on myself regardless of how the marriage goes. I would not be doing this or acquired the emerging knowledge of myself had my wife not insisted on us living apart with minimal contact. Although it hurts beyond belief I am thankful for the emerging self knowledge. I desperately want the marriage to work but it is out of my hands. Time will tell. I think my wife is doing exactly the right thing in our situation as painful as it is for me.

 

[Helen3475]

I really hope it works out for you mainly because you cannot heal cptsd without loving and supportive relationships. And you CAN heal. You have to give your nervous system a chance to heal, so calm environments and positive people with time to rest and work on your hobbies. There’s a lot you need to heal alongside professional support so please be kind to yourself xx

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Thank you. This is a real struggle for me right now.