Really Bad Nightmare

[Matilda]

I just woke up and I'm in a panic right now. I had a really, really bad nightmare and it was too surreal for comfort. I was going to one of the restaurants in my town with my aunt that I consider a "red" zone because the chances of my dad being there are very high. I was waiting in line to order when he walked in. I slipped out and was about to get into my car thinking he hadn't noticed me, but my aunt told me to get into her car because he had spotted me. I got into her, ducked me head, and she drove away. At a red light, the back door opened and he tried forcing me out of the car. He succeeded in doing so and is trying to force me back to his car so we can talk. I started yelling at him to get away and leave me alone. He's so angry in that quiet way like he would get in real life. Where I know he's on the brink of exploding, but rather than yelling at me all of the poisonous and hurtful words just flow out and bite me. He begins to go on how terrible I am to have cut off all contact with him and how we need to fix this. He never deserved that treatment and he's been through hell. Then he begins to touch the inside of my thighs and I push him away and somehow manage to get into my aunt's car. I tell her to just drive around and take a back route to a hotel. Afterwards I just do what I normally do after something like this. I enter a very calm like state of shock where I really do look ok and my mom once again tries to take over the situation by trying to force me to tell her what happened and to get a restraining order. That's around when I woke up. I was in that calm like state of shock when I woke up, but now I'm feeling really anxious and in a panic. The feeling of having lost all control of the situation is probably the worst trigger for me and when my mom opened the door to see if I was awake and turned on my lights just now, I yelled at her to get out. What if something like that happens today. I can't go through this all over again especially right now since I've been doing so bad for the past two weeks. Thankfully my new job is an hour away in a different city and I take the back safe route to get home. My worry is he knows where I live although he hasn't tried seeing me since June.

 

[crystaltear]

Oh hun, that sounds so awful.

Just breathe. Slowly & deeply, through your nose, making sure the breathe makes your stomach rise.

You are safe. You will be okay.

You are not out of control. He can not and will not ruin you.

You are strong, valuable and downright amazing.

It was just a dream. your subconscious processing memories and fears. It's gone now.

Hope you feel better soon. If you need to talk I'm here. x

 

[shimmerz]

Arrrghhhh, the constant threat of being found is, for me, one of the worst parts. It can put to a halt our ability to heal until it is put to rest. I am sorry @Matilda, I don't know your story but I can say that I can relate to the night terrors of someone who feels to be a threat. It changes everything. Freedom of movement (as you suggest with being at a restaurant) is lost. Is there anywhere you can go that you can consider a truly safe place? Away for a weekend, a place in a forest by a river? Anywhere?

 

[Matilda]

Thank you guys for the support and kind words. It was a comfort to read this morning. I'm doing better now, but little things keep triggering flashbacks which I try my best to ignore. @shimmerz thankfully I love my job so that's my safe place and when I drive home I always stop at this really, really beautiful park in order to wind down. No one back at hime ever ventures out to this area so I don't have to worry while travelling

 

[Friday]

You know what's awesome about this nightmare?

He begins to go on how terrible I am to have cut off all contact with him and how we need to fix this. He never deserved that treatment and he's been through hell

Your brain made your abuser, someone whom you should never trust, say those things.

So any time you start to have doubts, feel badly, or ask yourself those questions? You know the truth is the opposite of what the monster in the nightmare is lying to you. Specifically:

- You are not terrible
- Cutting off contact was right
- You do not need to fix this
- He deserves exactly this treatment
- He's not the one who went through hell, you were.

 

[Matilda]

@FridayJones Thank you :). That thought keeps popping up in my mind today. I struggle a lot with the decision I made ove cutting off contact, but I haven't been struggling today that's for sure. I'll make sure to keep these in mind for the future