Really Need Advice... When/how To Tell

[Ryn]

As of now, I have only told my therapist and (at her insistence) my parents about what has surfaced. My parents knew I had been dealing with mental illness for some time, primarily depression, but were shocked and in denial at my revelation about the abuse (it was a trusted family friend) and have not been the best support. I have never had the best relationship with them... My mother initially said she didn't believe me. Which really hurt. She later "amended" that remark and they promised support, but long story short they have definitely not provided that and are choosing to ignore the issue completely.

Throughout the difficult past year or so, my best friend has been my #1 support. She lives several states away, but she has been the one person always willing to listen to tearful phone calls and send encouraging e-mails and text messages when she knows I'm down. The support she has provided for me is truly astounding and I am very grateful. I would not be alive without her.

Right before the memories began to surface, however, she was dealing with significant life stressors of her own and told me she needed to take a few weeks'/months break from the relationship and contact with me. This was a good and healthy idea, I think - our friendship had become very intense, as I had recently been suicidal, and it was an unhealthy strain for us both. As I was safe for the time being, we needed a new perspective on boundaries and how best to work with a long-distance friendship.

During that time, though... the flashbacks began. She has since resumed contact, but things just don't feel right and I know it is my fault. I am keeping a lot of distance because I haven't told her what is going on yet. I am sure she knows something is up, but she would never suspect this. Because of my "abandonment issues" I am struggling with the way I view her; despite her 100% support I am terrified she will hurt me and leave me. Whenever I'm trapped in a flashback, it's like I keep confusing her with my abuser, and I hate it.

I am feeling really guilty for the stress and pain that I caused her during the time I was suicidal and she was afraid for me. I don't want to do that to her again, and to burden her with something this huge, especially while she is dealing with lots of personal and family burdens. At the same time, I feel it is unfair for me to be this unexpectedly distant without an explanation. Our friendship was something amazing and I refuse to let it go or let it fade because of what that b*st*rd did to me.

Truthfully, I really wish I had her support, even though I am afraid of burdening her. I am feeling incredibly guilty, dirty, ashamed... And the longer I keep silent, the more shameful and stigmatized I feel. Silence and "don't tell" is what my abuser drilled into me and it's keeping me under his power.

She is a lifelong friend, and I will definitely tell her at some point. I absolutely trust her. Initially I decided I wanted to tell her face-to-face the next time either of us visited. I feel like that respects both the importance of my situation and also her feelings. But because of financial issues it is doubtful I will be able to visit her until next December. The implication of this is an entire year of keeping this horrible secret to myself, and I am already crumbling only a few months without any adequate support.

Can anyone offer their thoughts? How important is it to have a good support group aside from a therapist? How do you deal with the guilt of offering your burdens to other people, especially your closest friends? Have you ever asked for support from a long-distance friend? And of course, telling on the phone vs. face-to-face vs. email...? What should I do? :(

Sorry for all the questions. I am so new to this and I am really terrified. I had a horrible flashback New Years Eve and I'm at my wit's end. I really need my best friend.

Ryn

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Ryn,

I'm sorry to hear all that you're going through.

Your friend sounds amazing. I don't think you can wait until next December to talk to her honestly.

I'm pretty rubbish at 'friendships', so feel free to take or leave any advice I offer.

Can you tell her how you feel. That is not about the flashbacks, but about how you don't think your relationship is the same as before. About how you feel guilty burdening her with your issues? I think you possibly need to explore the boundaries of your relationship. What she's happy to talk to you about, and how she sees the relationship.

She possibly feels overwhelmed with how you are, because she probably feels out of her depth with helping you with such complex issues. It's easy for us (survivors) to understand flashbacks, and suicidal ideation - but for someone with no history of these experiences it's hard to understand, let alone know how to help or the right things to say. She likely does help you in more ways than she could know, but she probably feels out of her depth, and is scared she'll say the wrong thing.

It is important to have support outside of therapy, but that support has to be gauged realistically - she's your friend, not a trained therapist - if you tell her about your flashbacks, how do you think she can help you with that? She can offer empathy and talk about it, but she isn't going to be able to stop them. As such she needs to know that, although it's difficult for you, that you are working on that with your therapist.

I think she needs to be able to talk about things with you, without feeling she has to solve the issue for you. That's when things get difficult. She's miles away, and she probably feels helpless - that's difficult for her.

Just take your friendship back to basics. Talk about your relationship and how important it is to you. Tell her your worries about feeling a burden and feeling guilty. Find out how she feels in all of this.

She sounds like a good friend, and there is no reason to loose that friendship, just be realistic and honest with her.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Ryn,

I can't help but think that your best friend must have been wondering for some time, why you have been depressed and thinking of suicide. It sounds like she is a truly wonderful friend that has not been pressing you for answers.

Also you acknowledge that she has her own worries, her own problems. So if you are able to listen to her and support her then this relationship is not all one-way and that is a good thing.

Of course, your choice is your own, but I would think that your friend, who has been with you through so much, could be trusted with your story. I don't see it as an extra burden, but more of an explanation for why you are as you are. You might just find that she has more that she would like to share with you also - or maybe not.

As for the 'how' to tell, well I would think that telephone or skype would be best, so you are able to judge each others' reactions. It is a shame that you can't meet face-to-face but that does not seem like a good reason to keep all this bottled up. Clearly you are worrying a lot about it. Even if you first sent an email or text saying that you 'want to talk about something important, it would set the scene for you both.

My best friend knows all about my troubles. It was not easy to share but I was stuck in a corner and had to. However since then I have supported her, firstly through the tragic death of her beloved pet cat, then her husband's serious illness and then her mother-in-law dying. Added to which her husband is soon to have major heart surgery. She has been with me through a suicide attempt and other stuff. We have been able to support each other because we know each other's troubles. She sometimes complains that I don't tell her enough, and bottle things up. But then I tell her the same :p

I see no reason for feeling guilty that she has chosen to be my friend, even though being my friend is not an easy job. She has made that choice, and if she needs a break then we see each other less for a while. At other times we speak to each other every day. There are no hard and fast rules, and friendships should be flexible.

I hope you find your own answers, and are able to work out what is right for you.
Regards
Lucy x

 

[Ryn]

@cherryblossom, thank you, I think you've got it spot on with "I think she needs to be able to talk about things with you, without feeling she has to solve the issue for you." I think it is kind of her to want to put forth effort to help but honestly, I've never asked her to fix me or do anything more than listen. She has recently begun seeing a counselor also so I hope she can learn that half of what she gives me is adequate, and it is not helping either of us for her to exert herself beyond that.

Also, I don't think I made it clear, but I definitely am not planning on talking to her about the flashbacks. I just mentioned it because it's been on my mind. But no, I won't be sharing any details with her - those are for my therapist. (I can barely write about it in a journal, so I doubt I could tell her if I wanted to, haha.)

I think it's a wise idea to simply talk to her and get things out in the open. It makes perfect sense. I guess I'm just very fearful in my relationships right now and that fear makes it difficult for me to be open and honest without being terrified of hurting her or being rejected. Either of those two things seem like the end of the world to me... But, that's just something I need to work on.

@Brucielucy I really appreciate hearing your relationship with your best friend. It's really helpful for me to look at other situations and relationships objectively. :) I'm glad you mentioned Skype as an option also because I hadn't thought of that.

I am trying really hard to be a support to her. I have always been a naturally supportive person, and when the depression hit one of my biggest reasons for guilt was feeling incapable of being there for anyone. I had to learn that it's okay to ask for help for myself sometimes too. :P

Thanks, you two. I am feeling a bit more settled about this. I'm thinking of talking to her within the next two or three weeks.

 

[bluebird]

Hello, Ryn, it is gonna be a long post and I am not sure if it will be helpful, but I hope maybe a little bit ;) I am sorry about these memories of yours surfacing and bringing so much pain and confusion. I believe you shouldn´t be alone with these emotions.

I kept my secret for more than fifteen years, thinking people would blame me and hate me if I ever told them. Therefore, I never told anyone intentionally so I don´t know how is it done (still, I think it is better to do so by skype or phonecall, if you don´t have any possibility of meeting your friend) - until recently, it was usually while I was crying because of something else. Then I started avoiding them, thinking they must despise me, no matter what they said.

When I (kind of by a mistake, definitely not intentionally) told my now-best friend (while, of course, I was crying for another reason), he said he didn´t think it was my fault and he definitely didn´t hate me... And I finally believed he really thought so. Since then, things started to change for me. Later, he came with me to a psychologist and spoke for me... Even when I told my mother a few months later, it was him supporting me. We remained in contact ever since the first time I told him, but he lives far away and we mostly speak on the phone. I tell him everything. My flashbacks, my nightmares, all my fears I never thought I would be able to say to somebody. After I tell him, I am able to tell it to my psychologist... I admire your strength, although my psychologist is great, I can´t imagine saying these things to her without knowing he already knew and didn´t judge me...

I know it must be difficult for him, especially those times when he hears my cry on the phone and he desperately wants to do something, but the only possible thing is to listen and try to speak as if I were a frigthtened little child and wait, until it gets better. But he keeps telling me I shouldn´t blame myself for this and that I was not so selfish as I thought I was... I don´t even know how to thank him. Without him, I would never be able to speak, to start therapy, to tell my parents, to stop blaming myself for not being able to see my abuser and to stop seeing him, to stop torturing myself so much... I would remain in my own prison for a very long time.

I need him. And I need all my friends, who already know about it. Not all the details, just the fact I had something really painful in my past, but I know I can just come or call and they stop me from suicidal thoughts, we watch a movie or do something "normal"... ;) It is great not to lie and pretend being happy and not having any problems at all. I listen to my friends, when they need me, and they listen to me. It took me some time to learn to ask for help.

And right now I also encourage one of my friends, who is struggling with some difficult relationship and a serious ilness of her family member, to ask for my help whenever she needs support... And our relationship grew stronger and I am really glad I can be here for her. I think it is extremely difficult to deal with these issues on your own. I tried to do it my whole life and it didn´t bring me much far. In fact, it was more like drowning in half-burried memories and self-hate... When I started to speak, things started to get better...

Ok, well, I´m sorry, it was really long and it was all about me ;) but I wanted to say I believe you need support, as my friends keep convincing me I do need it as well... Although it was really hard to believe it in the first moment and still is. Not to view myself as a burden for those, who love me. Because people who love you care about you and want to help you, as well as you want to be there for them... :) Good luck!

 

[Ryn]

@bluebird, thank you so much. It sounds like you have a truly amazing friend, and your post really helped remind me that I do too. It's so hard for me to believe that anyone would forgive me or stick with me through all this, but when I remind myself of my best friend's track record so far she has been nothing but gracious and loyal. I have no reason to doubt her.

I'm just always so afraid of burdening her, I feel like I couldn't live with myself if I hurt her again... it's really good to hear that you felt the same but it turned out differently. It's so hard to believe they could possibly love us that much, isn't it? :P