Really Screwed The Pooch

[Docrobert82]

I started dating a girl that I fell for hard, after my ex wife I never thought I'd fall in love again. But my trust and anger got set off, I had a flash back one night when she came over and it didn't end well. The command seperated us and charged me, I lost a stripe and people look at me as a scum bag because she's an E2, I was a E6. We kept in contact even though we weren't supposed to and things were good for a while then I started not to trust her and said a few f*cked up things. She's called it off and just wants to be friends at this point and maybe if I get better she'll consider something again. I didn't feel this bad when the exwife left and all I can think about is this girl. I'm having a real hard time letting go. She made things calm for me and I felt comfortable with her. It did make me understand that I need help, not just to have another shot with her but because I need help. I just wish there was a way to be with her again and its not helping my recovery at all. What has helped other people out there? I want to stop screwing up my life.

 

[Pepsi]

Three months ago the cops came to my door to check on the safety of my family as I was fighting with my wife and my daughter called the cops thinking I was losing control, which I was, so clearly I can't tell you how not to screw up your life. I'm about to lose my job as well, as everyone tells me I need to change jobs due to symptoms at work. All I can offer is my experience in the last seven years: Two years after Iraq I was diagnosed with PTSD. Four years after Iraq I was destroying my family and my marriage and profession were in trouble. That same year I finally went on medications (and holly f*ck do I take a shitload - Ativan for anxiety, Trazolam for insomnia, prazosin for nightmares, prozac and citalopram for depression, and propranolol for tremor. I tried to avoid meds for four years and alsmost lost my job and my family. Now I'm stable in my job and my family is on my side instead of against me. If you want to stop screwing up your life consider trying meds, they have helped me and my family. There is no cure , but they have kept me alive, married and employed for four years, which is four years longer than I expected to have.

 

[Wagg]

Someone will someday take your hand and claim you for life. Maybe it's her, maybe it isn't. What's important is that you find yourself first. Gather your self and reinforce your being. Then may you begin seeking another life partner.

 

[Docrobert82]

I got on meds a few weeks ago, the problem is I'm a health care provider so I know how long some can take to work. One Dr put my on prozac after being acutly suicidal, but since its one of the few physc meds that I can prescribe I know it will still take a few weeks to work. And I'll have to bump it up to 40mg a day. I'm getting in the process to get on the right meds and trying to get into therapy for as long as I can. The girl told me last night that I have to fix myself before I ever think of getting back with her and as much as that hurt she's right. I just wanted to get through all this with her, I know that there is little chance to get back with her but I have to get better so the next time something wonderful comes into my life I don't screw it up.
I'm happy that you stayed married, I know that family can be a big help and I hope that if you do lose your job that a better one comes along.
Thanks for your advice, at least I know I'm going down the right trail.

 

[Docrobert82]

Someone will someday take your hand and claim you for life. Maybe it's her, maybe it isn't. What's important is that you find yourself first. Gather your self and reinforce your being. Then may you begin seeking another life partner.

Its hard, she made me feel calm all the time and she made me feel like I was the guy I was before I joined up. Being with her made me feel the beauty in the world, not just see it. But your right I need to focus on myself first and try and get better.

 

[Bill Simmons]

When the first wife left I took about ten kilos of Cocaine...got me through the divorce but..... I do not recommend this course of action, the side effects are kinda hard on a fella. I am joking here,... sort of.

I find for relationships to work for me I need to be OK with me. It is not too important what I think about you and it is not too important what you think about me. What is critical is what I think about myself because when I am OK with Bill relationships just seem to work. And when Bill don't like Bill nothing works.

You said "I want to stop screwing up my life." If you did not have PTSD I would say OK, this is all your fault, get off you ass and change what you are doing. Well....sorry man...you got PTSD and it not your fault and it is not currently under your control. But it is your responsibility to deal with it the best you can. I read your other post and your no dummy. Get the PTSD under control, you know what meds to try. Find the ones that work, and get some help from someone you trust. Oh and did I mention getting someone you trust. That may be a little more difficult for you because you know a lot about the meds. Keep looking till you find the right Doc.

This is sounding a little to much like advise...which I have no business giving anyone....sorry

 

[Docrobert82]

If I wasn't on restriction I'd want to drink about 12 gallons of rum but drinking isn't the answer. I thought I was ok with me but a few things happened and my anger took over. I'm working on the drugs but the Doc's out here don't want to listen, ehhh I'll get the right one in time. I think talk getting everything off my chest in some way will help, I have to learn how to let go of my anger and get control over the PTSD. Easier said than done.
Hey and don't worry about giving advise, sometimes we all need it.
Thanks for the help.

 

[Fargo1]

Doc,

I have been living this crap for the last year...still can't get her out of my mind...

But, the important thing, as others have said, is to get your own house in order first. Without that, you have nothing and you will bring nothing to the relationship except pain. Pain for you and pain for her. This is one of the hardest aspects of the Beast for me. I can't seem to hold my relationships with others together...the Beast grabs hold and I loose the ability to control my emotions. When the emotions are running the show, I am...erratic at best.

Try to get her into your healing process. See that she gets educated on PTSD. Because even when you think your house in in order...the Beast can still rise up and start rampaging...

If she can't be part of it, then as the old saying goes: If you can't be with me during my worst times, you aren't worthy of being with me during my best times.

Of course if you read my posts over the last year, this is a case of do as I say...not as I do! ;-)

Good luck brother.

 

[Jimmy1]

Someone will someday take your hand and claim you for life. Maybe it's her, maybe it isn't. What's important is that you find yourself first. Gather your self and reinforce your being. Then may you begin seeking another life partner.

You have a point Wagg, it took me a few years of being a single dad and quite a lot of changes before I met my soon to be wife. It takes a woman/man with very thick skin to settle down with a veteran with PTSD.

I was once told that we attract what we are portraying. So how can we find someone who is right for 'US' if we don't know who 'US' is.

The hard part is being alone. I tried to deal with that by drinking , taking pills, and using pot. I was an alcoholic and an addict. I pushed everyone away from me including my family. The only person I had to care for was my son who chose to live with me. He was a carer at the age of 9. It took me nearly losing him to the authorities and his mother to wake me up. Now I am spending time helping others and mending bridges.

If I can do it, you all can. There are people in the world far worse off than me.

 

[Docrobert82]

Doc,

I have been living this crap for the last year...still can't get her out of my mind...

Try to get her into your healing process. See that she gets educated on PTSD. Because even when you think your house in in order...the Beast can still rise up and start rampaging...

If she can't be part of it, then as the old saying goes: If you can't be with me during my worst times, you aren't worthy of being with me during my best times.

Fargo, she told me that we both have to work on ourselfs before we can have a relationship, but we can still be friends. I think its her way of keeping out of trouble. She said she was going to be with me until this is all over and then a week later, poof, no more. But she has been hanging out with another E6 that's been trying to get in her pants since she got to the island. I'm not there right noe, but I have seen the Facebook messages where she tells a friend that we'll never be more than friends and her flirting with this E6.
I'm in the big dilema of turning her in for all the frat she's guilty of and I can prove and her cutting herself/ other things.
I want to belive that I'm just being parinoid and that we'll get a chance to work things out but after my NJP it took her 3 days to get incontact with me and she really didn't seem to care I went down a rank.
What she's pulled in the last three weeks seems totally out of character, so I don't know if she finally snapped herself, started cheating, ect. Fact is I don't trust her anymore and I have enough friends where a relationship should have happened or did.
So I'm thinking of turning her in, not to be vengefull but if I'm going to be held to a standard so should she, before she screws up another persons career.

 

[JarHed]

I think it was the Budda that said; and I'm paraphrasing here, 'Before you can fix the village, you have to fix yourself'. It's along the lines of what Wagg is saying. But first you have to be selfish and take care of numero uno. You can't have a relationship with anyone when the 'beast' is so in charge of your life that you can't even approach normalicy.

First, find and get with a good councelor. Someone that can help you get on the right road towards getting better. After you work on that for a while you can think about expanding into a relationship but it will take a while. Give yourself the time; you deserve that.

Here's the tough part; forget about having any kind of deep or close relationship with this girl. I might be possible in time but not for a long time. I know that sucks, but its kind of the way of it. Building a relationship takes time and real effort on the part of both involved.You both have to want it also. It takes real work sometimes.

Get to that better place first, you'll be glad you did. When you do, your options will change. Don't try to change the past, you can't but you can influence the future, your future. Time is also a factor here, your thoughts about this situation will change as time goes on. Hopefully for the better.

JarHed

 

[Jimmy1]

It went along the lines of fix yourself, then your house, then the village, then the city, then the whole world.
Well that was my interpretation. I am still fixing myself, and hopefully helping to guide you guys to fix yourselves.