Really Stressed Out, What Am I Doing With My Life?

[Loner]

I have never been good at doing things like resumes, job applications, calling people to ask about jobs, etc, it all just freaks me out. Staring at my resume reminds me how many dead end jobs I've had. It reminds me I dropped out of college because I had too much anxiety to focus in class. It reminds me how many jobs I've worked at where people thought I was weird and it reminds me that I have almost no references professional or otherwise because I kept to myself so much my whole life.

That said I have decided I don't always want to be broke and in boring jobs so I took a class to get certified for wildland fire fighting (fighting forest fires), and am now pursuing a seasonal job for this summer in that field.

My stress levels are through the roof. Not only is there the typical job application stuff, but some of this is more complicated than I am used to, and most of all, I am worried I have waited too long to get a job and that I won't be able to find one for this year. Some places are still hiring but this is really last minute.
If I had done this sooner I think I might even enjoy the excitement of it all but I am not, I'm just stressing out worried about it.

I'm dreading calling these people. If I had done it months ago I feel like I could call and present myself well and feel ok with it, but just since it is last minute I feel like everyone is already going to think I am an idiot. I guess I have nothing to lose really, and maybe I will make some contacts for next year, but my stress levels are through the roof.

All these other thoughts are flying through my head about how short life is and how stupid I am for wasting time and waiting till the last minute, how I'm never going to get married cus I am such a worthless lazy idiot, that life is cruel and short and no one cares, that it must be so nice for other people who had supportive families and friends to help them get on a good path in life when they were younger (I'm turning 29 soon).

There are other things going on too. Theres the girl the lives in a different city who I just visited whos not sure whether or not she feels romantically for me, and the fear that if I do find a job at this I won't be able to talk to her for months and that relationship will dissolve.

God, life is hard.

 

[yoshixvx]

Ah.. the intrusive thoughts, the resentment. I have the exact same judgments, so you are not alone. What has helped me is getting outside (in nature), meditation, and accepting that I must slow down and heal (this is a difficult one). Also appreciating what I have.. even if it's not what others do. Comparison is a downward spiral.. focusing on the present has been much more useful for me.

Do you have any hobbies? Downtime doesn't have to be completely unproductive. You may even be able to make a career out of them. :)

 

[Hashi]

I sympathise with you. Being so stressed is hard to deal with. It gets in the way of doing the things that might help feel less stressed. It can make us very hard on ourselves.

I do think you're being way too hard on yourself. There are reasons you didn't finish college and there are reasons you didn't apply for jobs sooner. Good reasons. It's not nice to live like this, but this is how things are. All we can do is try to regroup, do what we can do now, and let go of the rest.

I'm impressed that you've got certified for wildland fire fighting. If some people are still recruiting, then you still have a chance. I would suggest - do the applications now, keep up with the process and leave it to fate to decide whether you'll get work this summer or not.

Does it really matter to them what your college history is, or your previous jobs? I'd suggest you focus on your certification, wanting to fight wildland fires, and what you can bring to that. Forget the rest. Just think about what they're going to be looking for. Focus on qualities - motivation, work ethic, maybe physical fitness? Or whatever the job calls for.

How to keep going with the application process when it's so stressful to do it - that's a tough one. You need some skills, aka tricks, to get yourself through this. I'm rubbish at addressing things like this so I try lots of things. Breaking things down into tiny steps so that one step isn't too awful (one step might be to get the phone - I can do that. Next step dial the number.) i write down the steps first and cross them off when I do them. I also write down what I'm going to say on the phone, before I make the call. I let myself have 30 minutes of not doing anything after 5 minutes of working on it. And so on. Whatever gets me through it.

Try not to think fatalistically about the impact on your relationship - you don't know what's going to happen, either way.

Good luck.

 

[Sandstone]

Those people who are hiring at the last minute might be delighted to find someone qualified still available at the last minute. They need your skills.

Maybe some of them are kicking themselves for not getting on with the process sooner. Very few of us are perfect to ourselves

 

[Loner]

Thanks guys, I appreciate your responses. It also kind of feels silly but THIS is what is most intimidating and stressful to me in life right now. I've done a lot of work in therapy about convincing myself to believe that some people will want to be friends or even be romantically involved with me, and have made a lot of progress, but for some reason, the 'making something of yourself' realm seems to be the main area where all those childhood lessons of being worthless weak useless and a waste of life still seem to ring all too true.

I think I also waited till the last minute because I am terrified of success. I'm going to make this happen though. Even if I fail, this is still good for me, to confront this anxiety and these voices telling me I will always fail.

I do have hobbies yoshixvx, in fact I have found solace and refuge in similar things as you have, but the fact I have literally waited till the last three days before the application periods close doesn't leave me much time to get out and enjoy the world for the next few days. I actually think if I had done this months ago I might be enjoying the process, but here I am, and I don't have a time machine.

Just reading your replies has done a lot to validate the right voices and invalidate the bad ones, so thank you.



Oh, I'm sorry, I suppose I should of put this in the employment forum. If a mod wants to move it you have my gratitude and apologies.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I am so sad you are stressing out so much over this. Life is an out of control thing. You can only do your best and hope for the best and if it does not work out, try something else.

Wanting to be in a relationship is normal for your age. I believe you are being too hard on yourself.

I used to be such a procarastinator. I still do it sometimes. But I am now doing much better in that area. I like to get things done and get them out of my way.

You have so much on your plate right now. I wish you the very best.

Have not seen you around lately and I want to thank you for being there for me when I needed it. You are a good person and do not need to beat yourself up so hard.

You are an excellent communicator and have such a good way of describing how you feel and what you are going through.

I really hope you get the job, but if you do not, do not give up, but keep on trying.

What helps me is to focus on what is happening now and not stress and worry about the past or the unknown future. It is something that I am just now learning to do.

Healing and recovery takes so much time and hard work. And remember you are here with people that truly care for you and you are not alone. Being on this forum with all of the great people here has been so healing for me. It is also a wonderful resource.

You are a good person. Now repeat over and over until you believe it. Hugs.

 

[Hashi]

the 'making something of yourself' realm seems to be the main area where all those childhood lessons of being worthless weak useless and a waste of life still seem to ring all too true.

You've already done really well to have gone for tne certification and succeeded.

I actually think if I had done this months ago I might be enjoying the process,

I'm familiar with this feeling. Stress and anxiety can be such a big barrier for me that I don't start the process until I absolutely have to, right up against a deadline. Then I wonder why I didn't do it sooner, and could have even enjoyed it. But I didn't do it sooner because I needed the deadline to make me.

Please don't underestimate how hard it is to push through stress and old negative programming. Sometimes a deadline is the only thing that can make us do it.

Pushing through it now, you're still rewiring your brain. You're creating some new neural pathways which are about making something of yourself. Going through the process of applying - last minute or not - is an achievement in itself.

Sending good wishes.

 

[Loner]

Thank you for the replies. I don't know what it is about this process that just makes me so stressed out but it is not enjoyable. Thank you so much for you kind words gizmo, they really touched me. It brings me fulfillment to know that I helped you in some way. I'm just feeling like such a f*ck up. I know its not too late to turn my life around but I can't help but notice all the time I've wasted. Maybe its not wasted because I had issues I had to deal with but it feels like it. It feels like there is just so much life I have missed out on because of my PTSD.

Got in lots of applications. I still have more to do, but mostly now I should start calling people. Thats the part I'm really dreading. I told myself all weekend that I would start that Monday morning but I just don't think its going to happen today. Maybe I'll try and take care of some other things. Maybe I'll start tomorrow.

 

[ptsdsolution]

There are so many people who have eyes but do not see, are part of this world but don't really live-and these people have no PTSD. You have come really far even though you feel like you haven't. You have an awareness that so many people lack in their lives. This isa good thing that will keep you focussed on making positive changes in your life.

 

[Loner]

I know I'm probably sounding like a broken record but f*ck is this hard, I think I just need to vent. Every job app leaves me stressed hopeless catastraphizing and down on myself, each one is like a review of all my mistakes in life.

I've gotten fired from three jobs in my life. One was when I was a teenager and I was just kind of dumb, showed up late and stuff, but the other two were recently. Last winter I got fired from my ski shop job because I hurt my finger on the job and failed a workman's comp related drug test because I was smoking pot a couple days before. The last ski shop job before that I was supposed to take a break to go skiing which was common practice but for some stupid reason decided to drink a beer while still on the clock while getting my stuff ready and was fired for it.

The latest application asked for my driving history too, which added another level of stress. I had to put down that I was pulled over for speeding this year and cited for driving without insurance which I know doesnt look good. Another speeding ticket last year, plus a couple years ago I not only got a speeding ticket, but failed to pay it fast enough and had my license suspended, which I only found out when I got pulled over for speeding again and was cited for driving without a license.

Wildland firefighting requires one to be able to drive a work vehicle. Who is going to hire me for that?

None of this seemed so important in years past, it seemed like I just had a couple small blemishes on my record but then all of a sudden I look and they've accumulated into a pattern that says do not hire me I am unreliable and my life is out of control. I used to feel like the jobs I was working were stupid and I was somehow too good for them anyways so I didn't need to take them seriously. Now I look back and would be grateful to have the same low paying menial jobs that I had in the past, let alone something that actually makes ok money.

I really have changed though, I'm not smoking pot any more, I would value and feel grateful for gainful employment at a place I don't hate that is fun to work at, or a place that pays ok. I guess not all hope is lost, I think next year I can probably get back the ski shop job I got fired from last year but I'm feeling really hopeless about ever making something of my life, making any better money, advancing in any way. I know its not hopeless but f*ck, time just flies by, is another year going to disappear while I work some low paying job with no chance of advancement? That seems like it might be the case.

 

[Hashi]

f*ck is this hard

Yes, it is. Especially when we have to face past mistakes and the fact that our past selves made them, and now our present selves are having to deal with the fallout.

I do have hope for you and I believe in your ability to turn this around, over whatever timescale that needs. Having said that, I'd also like to sympathise that turning it around after all the past stuff and the current stress and etc etc... is really hard. Been there, done that, still doing it and there's no way round the fact that it's really hard.

Sending good thoughts.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think Hashi said it all. I agree with her completely. You are not as bad as you think you are and you are better than you think you are. A really good friend told me that.

It is not good to be so hard on yourself. I can be my own worst enemy if I am not aware of what the self talk is.

I too felt like I was wasting my life for so many years and made so many bad errors in judgement. They are all part of the process. It is like a fire that has destroyed everything and you are left alone to clean up the mess and start over. We need to build mental muscles to be able to do that. Take baby steps and only do things when you feel ready.