Rearranging Deck Chairs On The Titanic

[Bill Dickerson]

I have been feeling better. I'm working on my blood sugar levels and they are better. I have more energy but alas I have nothing to do with all of this time and the extra energy.

I tidy up my shop, I go to the dog park, I tidy up the shop again and again and again. I hope I can find something broken so I can work on it. I feel like the guy rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Just a huge waste of time. I hate to think that the next 30 years will be spent contemplating how I can move something in the shop so I can save a little room.

 

[KP the nut]

Bill, is there any sort of voluntary work that you could do?

I undertook volunteer driving, taking mainly elderly people to various appointments and to see family. It really helped to give me my confidence back and gave some purpose to my life in that I was useful again.

You can give as much or as little time as you wish.

 

[intothelight]

Bill,

What do you want to do? Maybe it is time to stretch out and do something that you've wanted to in the past?

Deb

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I tend to isolate from others it keeps my anxiety level down. I don't tend to deal with stupid very well.

I've come up with a couple of ideas. It's completely embarrassing but I take care of my 80 year old Mom and it's her house so I am at her mercy. I yield to her to prevent any fights over use of the yard and so on. Unfortunately she's as stubborn as I am and when you add old she doesn't like change very much.

Since I'm on disability I don't have the funds to find another place and I spent everything and a little more that I had saved for on medical care before I went on disability. I said something about trying to find a place a couple of weeks back and after an hour or so she started having cheat pains. She's worried about me not taking care of her. She's extremely independent but she depends more and more on me.

Needless to say I feel completely trapped.

 

[Hashi]

I said something about trying to find a place a couple of weeks back and after an hour or so she started having cheat pains. She's worried about me not taking care of her. She's extremely independent but she depends more and more on me.

Needless to say I feel completely trapped.

This is horribly familiar. Don't want to go into too much detail, and my situation isn't identical to yours, but last time I had a clash of wills with one of my family members, they went blind. This was diagnosed as a nervous condition, caused by stress and anxiety, and it was only when I backed down that their sight returned. Talk about manipulation.

I wonder if you can make changes gradually towards what you want, starting to spend a little bit more time away from the house then increasing that and slowly working up to getting your own place? Maybe any resulting anxieties/complaints would be at a more manageable level and your mother could make adjustments over time, rather than considering what would be quite a big, sudden change.

Again, don't want to say too much about my own situation but I've been doing something similar in a different context, resulting in complaints and self-pitying comments rather than something more dramatic, and these have now tailed away to nothing in the face of my relentlessly ignoring them.

By the way, I don't think age has anything to do with it, except that people use that as an extra tool for manipulation. IMO there isn't anything inherent in getting older that means people get more ornery, they just start acting more ornery because they think they can get away with it more.

Glad you're feeling better, though. That in itself is an adjustment and can cause a lot of restlessness, I think - our lives aren't structured to accommodate it yet.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I don't think it's manipulation maybe ornery though but my Mom's always been ornery. I just don't have the heart to fight with her. It's important that she maintain her independence and some kind of control of her life and that gets harder everyday.

I want to start a small dog rescue. There are many small ones in the area. I've been scrounging and repairing equipment for a year or so that I pass on to the other rescues. I tolerate animals and children pretty well it's the adult humans that act stupid that grate on my nerves.

It's kind of hard to ease into that. Going from two dogs and a cat to a small dog run with four or five more dogs/puppies isn't easy to ease into. I even asked if I could try it for six months to see how it goes and it was met with a great deal of agitation.

It's very frustrating.

 

[Red Feather]

I might have to go on disability and am already just fidgeting and not knowing what to do with myself. I actually have a degree as an artist, and that really tortures me at the moment, because as an artist you are completely and solely relying on your self and your own personal motivation. Not easy during this intense identity crisis I've been going through. I get so panicked and think I have to work on something but then freeze up. I understand the need to get active very much.

It sounds like you care for your mother very much, and I think it is really normal and natural to want to know that she is taken care of. Being ornery etc, can have its limits, but also you probably want to have her around for some time I am sure. I guess I am just trying to say enjoy her and appreciate her as much as possible. I hope this is not too direct. Feel free to disregard what I am saying. And I know this may not be easy. But also I am sure she loves you very much.

If that means proving your independance from her, that is also a great step for you, I am sure.

 

[intothelight]

Bill,

Nothing to be embarrassed about helping to take care of an elderly parent, nor having limited income. Both are realities of life, and I know many who are doing the same things. Especially with loss of jobs, homes, and other financial hardships, a lot of families are doubling up.

Thing is, you still have a right to pursue what you would like or want to. The statement "her house" kind of got to me as it is your home too. Hopefully you can find the resources to do the rescue. Animals are wonderful! Don't know if there is a shelter around you or not, but so many times they need volunteers to help care for the animals too.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[Hashi]

Apologies if I misunderstood.

Regarding not having the heart to fight with your mother - does it have to be a fight? Is there room for some compromise and agreement? As Debbie says, it's your house too. And your life... you also have a right to some happiness and control of your own life, and need to think about yourself as well. Has your mother been able to say exactly what she's concerned about and see if there's a way to manage any changes taking those concerns into account?

It's kind of hard to ease into that. Going from two dogs and a cat to a small dog run with four or five more dogs/puppies isn't easy to ease into. I even asked if I could try it for six months to see how it goes and it was met with a great deal of agitation.

How about one dog at a time? I have a friend who rescues animals in that way - rescues and rehomes one at a time. She doesn't have the resources for more. (The one animal has been known to be a sheep, but that's a tight squeeze and it's usually a dog or a cat!) Maybe introducing one more dog wouldn't cause too much agitation, and after a while perhaps another...?

 

[Bill Dickerson]

It doesn't have to be a fight but she's pretty stubborn so that's the way it would end up.

I went with a lady who was concerned about some dogs left at a Meth house. I picked up three puppies and didn't ask her but that was kind of an emergency and I passed them along to a rescue group within a few days.

There are avenues for funds for rescues. People in the northeast will pay for a rescue dogs along with the transport company fees. Several of the local shelters will call rescues if they have adoptable animals that are running out of time. There are websites that will place information on their sites and you just have to request information and check the references. Of course there are some vet fees but a lot of the care I can do myself. The only vaccinations I can't do is Rabies and it has to be done by a vet. In my part of the country we have ten times the number of dogs that could be adopted but aren't.

It's pretty simple to set up a state non-profit but it does take awhile to get an IRS non-profit status.

I'll bring it up again. I suppose maybe I can just wear her down. Yea right....

Everybody cross there fingers.