Recognising avoidance

[Meadowsweet]

I find recognising avoidance symptoms quite problematic.

Some things, when I'm honest with myself, I can see. For example, I didn't phone back about therapy because I didn't want to think about that stuff. I've also avoided this site for some time, because I didn't want to be reading or talking about any of this stuff.

But socially, I gave up being sociable several years ago when I left people who knew my attacker, and I've not made friends since. But as I'm a single mum, it seems quite normal not to have a social life. And though I would like friends, making friends doesn't come naturally. So I'm not sure if I'm avoiding making new friends, or if I'm just not friend material at the moment.

The other one that gets me, is that therapy style question 'how often have you avoided thinking or talking about trauma in the past 7 days'. And it seems that it is so automatic, that I wonder how much I notice I'm avoiding. If I'm feeling emotional, I do have a drink, or treat myself to a chocolate sometimes to make myself feel better. So I guess that is avoidance.

But what is acceptable avoidance, and what is avoidance that you should do something about? In other words, how do you recognise if it's a problem?

 

[The Albatross]

The alternative to avoidance is a self actualized life. I am unfamiliar with the idea of "acceptable avoidance". In my view and based on my own personal experiences... pulling the wool over my own eyes by avoidance has caused more problems and angst than dealing with things more directly. But other people may have more beneficial input here.

Avoidance is a defensive living/thinking style. It is habitual. Ruthless honesty is the vaccination against avoidance. Dealing with things sequentially as they "appear" can be a challenge against avoidance thinking/behavior styles. But... 26-28 days makes a new habit and 6 months makes a new behavior. It takes honesty, willingness, drive/determination, and persistent practice to break the pattern.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Interesting.... Where do you draw the line between avoidance and distraction? Distraction is a valid coping mechanism, so what is the difference between the two? I'm assuming there is some overlap.

Right now I'm avoiding calling a new therapist and doctor. I really need to stop avoiding it!

 

[The Albatross]

Distraction is substituting a maladaptive coping mechanism for one that "best serves" moving forward. Avoidance is a maladaptive coping mechanism that is problematic in that it may preclude advancement or a "general satisfaction" with people/places/events/situations "as they appear" in our present. Just my definition... not substantiated by anyone as far as I know.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Not necessarily. In the hospital we were warned to not distract to excess. Both can be good, both can be bad. It's not that cut and dry as you seem to indicate.

 

[The Albatross]

You are in a parallel universe. Distraction, from my core urges, maladaptive coping mechanisms, and compulsive thoughts and inner critic... are essential. It is a tool best used (as with just about everything else) in MODERATION. But as a habitual coping or thinking style... em, no go.

[DLMURL]http://nanopatentsandinnovations.blogspot.com/2012/07/in-praise-of-distraction-10-benefits-we.html[/DLMURL]

 

[The Albatross]

Um. Key words: "too excess" "Do everything in moderation, including moderation." ~ Benjamin Franklin

Or: "Moderation in all things"

This line from Andria, written in the second century B.C. by the Roman playwright Terence, echoes the "Golden Mean" emphasized two centuries earlier by Aristotle. But the concept of moderation as a means to a virtuous life is believed to have been inspired by the Seven Sages (c650-c550 B.C.), including Thales, Solon, Periander, Cleobulus, Chilon, Bias and Pittacus, who as a group and individually are credited for many sayings throughout antiquity.

 

[The Albatross]

Balance is the equivalent, as I see it to avoidance or excess.

 

[maddog]

My bottom line with all of this stuff (unproven and non-scientific) is that if the behaviour or strategy is limiting or negatively impacting on your quality of life, functioning or ability to consistently achieve what you're trying to achieve, then it's probably something that needs addressing and minimising. The occasional chocolate while you're feeling miserable, or playing with the dog so you don't have to do the dishes, is a perfectly normal form of distraction/avoidance/procrastination and one which absolutely all human beings indulge in to some extent. Sometimes it's actually adaptive to avoid certain things - it stops us from becoming overwhelmed or overworked with everything at once. Sometimes I think we need to be careful not to pathologise characteristics of normal human behaviour, because much as we may not like to admit it, we human beings are a flawed and imperfect species and always will be!

But when you find yourself addicted to the avoidance behaviour (can't function without it) or when the avoidance has persisted to a point at which you know your quality of life or possible outcomes are being affected, then it's probably avoidance that needs addressing.

The other thing is that for me, avoidance is often just a symptom of some other issue or greater problem, such as depression or social anxiety. In such cases, it's the primary issue, and not the avoidance specifically, that is the limiting factor.

Sometimes these discussions can degenerate into symantics, which probably doesn't help Meadowsweet all that much. At the end of the day only we can know our own patterns and most people with a reasonable degree of insight will be aware of whether or not their behaviour constitutes avoidance or just everyday humanness.

 

[The Albatross]

Language is supposed to be unifying, not divisive. Interpretations will vary but I do try to stick with tried and true definitions so as not to be misconstrued.

 

[Abstract]

I think you both make good points in different ways.

From a personal perspective I used to always approach everything as "bad" or "good" and was very rigid in my thinking and harsh in the way I judged and evaluated myself. Its only in the last two years where I have really worked hard on acceptance that I have changed that and it has paid off more than anything else could have. It is totally counter intuitive for me to do so hard.

I work hard to try to see things in shades of grey and take the shame out by acknowledging their usefulness even when they are far from ideal. Sometimes even when they are "bad" they may still be better than the alternative and still have some use.

So in answer to the original question I am not sure I can always discern what is avoidance and what is not but will say I agree with MD that it is a problem when it is compulsive and interferes significantly with quality of life.

'how often have you avoided thinking or talking about trauma in the past 7 days'.

And really this is a totally understandable reaction to trauma and I think it can be adaptive short term. If you are not getting therapy and are just trying to stabilise then there is probably a lot of help that one gets from avoiding in this way. A glass of wine or chocolate are not self destructive means of coping at all. The problem arises when this is an ongoing thing indefinitely and the trauma is never addressed.

As for the friend issue. I have enitirely changed my understanding of that more recently too. For me it is avoidance and significant and life affecting avoidance at that. In the past I would and did just see it as "bad" and attempt to barrel though and change it.

Now I realise that it is a bit more complex and doing that actually caused me some harm and compounded my problems. I need to be understanding with myself and pace myself. I need to build up some level of trust in myself and others before I am fit for a true friendship. Again I agree with the concept that these things are usually just signs or representations of other stuff.

So I guess for me its a case of attempting to honestly and ruthlessly acknowledge the situation. Then working on developing acceptance, understanding and compassion for it for myself (very, very hard). Then looking at the whole picture and working towards change. But not avoiding the avoidance! ;)

I can see.

I think these things cause big problems or I know they do for me. I struggle enormously with it and I think the biggest danger is when one just does not end up addressing the trauma because of it. Pretending everything is OK enough. Not wanting to upset the apple cart. It essentially puts a pause on our lives. Especially when we are not actively doing enough things to get better.

I think this is a pervasive issue for me and one that is incredibly hard to change as it has been a long term and entrenched way of approaching things.

 

[Abstract]

And I agree that distraction is a very important coping skill and that it can be overused and end up being damaging. I have also been taught that in treatment. Too much of a good thing.