Hello, everyone. I’ve been reading your posts off and on over the past few years and have found them helpful. I joined the site today because I could us some personal feedback.
I have been in a relationship for the last year with a man who has PTSD. I love him very much. Since were friends for two years before we decided to take things further, I entered the relationship with an awareness of his condition. That fact that he regularly attends counseling and is committed to working through his issues has given me patience in dealing with his emotional outbursts, although, at times, it’s been very painful.
I’ve seen improvement in his behavior in the last three years. However, my patience has worn thin. Nearly every time we attempt to work together to accomplish something, we argue. A large part of my boyfriend’s condition is that he has a difficult time trusting people. He often accuses me of acting with bad intentions or being “wrong” about subjective issues. When this happens, I consciously look past his method of communicating and put his feelings above getting my way or winning an argument. Later, when we are getting along, I might make a statement about how my feelings are hurt when he assumes the worst from me, rather than giving me the benefit of the doubt, or that it’s okay for us to disagree and that it doesn’t change how I feel about him. He appears receptive, but rarely, if ever, apologizes for bad behavior.
We took a road trip five hundred miles out of state over the 4th of July and took turns driving my car. I could tell my boyfriend was on edge early in the trip because he was overtly critical of some of my suggestions. When we were nearly at our destination he began criticizing me again. I reminded him that we were both tired from the drive and ought to discuss things after we were settled. He threw a fit and began calling me names. In a calm but firm tone, I told him that I did not like the way he was talking to me and that his criticisms were uncalled for. He then screamed at me and as I left to take a walk in order to cool off, he started honking the horn, causing a scene. I found his behavior appalling, but it wasn’t the first time he has acted like this towards me.
I was still confused and upset when I returned from my walk. I told him to get out of the car. If he complied, I intended to give him a hug. He refused. I became angry and raised my voice telling him to get out of my car. I was too tired to argue and thought he might realize he was hurting me. The confrontation escalated and ended with me leaving him in the parking lot. I didn’t feel bad that we were so far from home because he spent years traveling and living out of his backpack.
We haven’t seen or spoken to each other since I left him. I don’t think I was out of line leaving him like I did, although I know he has trust issues. In retrospect, it was as if he was testing me to see if I would confirm his fear. He needed me not to react. However, my need for peace is important, too. I felt desperate when I left him.
Part of me wants to initiate reconciliation because I love my boyfriend and know I could have behaved better. Another part of me feels angry at myself for even considering apologizing to him. It’s complex. On the one hand, I’m hoping he’ll realize how important I am to him and will apologize for his behavior. I think he needs to do this in order for us to progress. On the hand, I don’t know if I have the patience to wait two months for him to work it out in therapy. There’s also the real possibility that he wanted to end the relationship and hopes I move on. I think he loves me, but feels ashamed and doesn't want me to see him suffer.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for your time and thoughtful comments.
I have been in a relationship for the last year with a man who has PTSD. I love him very much. Since were friends for two years before we decided to take things further, I entered the relationship with an awareness of his condition. That fact that he regularly attends counseling and is committed to working through his issues has given me patience in dealing with his emotional outbursts, although, at times, it’s been very painful.
I’ve seen improvement in his behavior in the last three years. However, my patience has worn thin. Nearly every time we attempt to work together to accomplish something, we argue. A large part of my boyfriend’s condition is that he has a difficult time trusting people. He often accuses me of acting with bad intentions or being “wrong” about subjective issues. When this happens, I consciously look past his method of communicating and put his feelings above getting my way or winning an argument. Later, when we are getting along, I might make a statement about how my feelings are hurt when he assumes the worst from me, rather than giving me the benefit of the doubt, or that it’s okay for us to disagree and that it doesn’t change how I feel about him. He appears receptive, but rarely, if ever, apologizes for bad behavior.
We took a road trip five hundred miles out of state over the 4th of July and took turns driving my car. I could tell my boyfriend was on edge early in the trip because he was overtly critical of some of my suggestions. When we were nearly at our destination he began criticizing me again. I reminded him that we were both tired from the drive and ought to discuss things after we were settled. He threw a fit and began calling me names. In a calm but firm tone, I told him that I did not like the way he was talking to me and that his criticisms were uncalled for. He then screamed at me and as I left to take a walk in order to cool off, he started honking the horn, causing a scene. I found his behavior appalling, but it wasn’t the first time he has acted like this towards me.
I was still confused and upset when I returned from my walk. I told him to get out of the car. If he complied, I intended to give him a hug. He refused. I became angry and raised my voice telling him to get out of my car. I was too tired to argue and thought he might realize he was hurting me. The confrontation escalated and ended with me leaving him in the parking lot. I didn’t feel bad that we were so far from home because he spent years traveling and living out of his backpack.
We haven’t seen or spoken to each other since I left him. I don’t think I was out of line leaving him like I did, although I know he has trust issues. In retrospect, it was as if he was testing me to see if I would confirm his fear. He needed me not to react. However, my need for peace is important, too. I felt desperate when I left him.
Part of me wants to initiate reconciliation because I love my boyfriend and know I could have behaved better. Another part of me feels angry at myself for even considering apologizing to him. It’s complex. On the one hand, I’m hoping he’ll realize how important I am to him and will apologize for his behavior. I think he needs to do this in order for us to progress. On the hand, I don’t know if I have the patience to wait two months for him to work it out in therapy. There’s also the real possibility that he wanted to end the relationship and hopes I move on. I think he loves me, but feels ashamed and doesn't want me to see him suffer.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for your time and thoughtful comments.
