Reconsidering Everything

[GardenGirl0214]

So, first I'd like to thank those of you who gave me such useful information about EMDR. I find it so helpful to obtain information from those with experience with what I'm dealimg.

Yesterday morning I called and left a message for the EMDR therapist. For me, that was a huge step! When my current therapist first suggested EMDR therapy several months ago, I freaked out because I thought she was trying to get rid of me because she told me that she isn't trained to do EMDR. (I have huge abandonment and trust issues from my childhood.) My current therapist and I worked hard to establish the very good rapport we have. So the idea of doing a completely new therapy with a completely new therapist is extremely overwhelming to me!! Even though my current therapist made it clear that she would still want me to see her while I'm doing EMDR, I honestly didn't want to see anyone except her. But then two weeks ago, I had an anxiety attack in her office while talking about my trauma, amd I knew I had to do something.

The EMDR therapist did return my call late yesterday, but I was out at the time. I didn't understand a lot of what she said on the answering machine because she was talking very quickly, for some reason. The part I did hear was that she looks forward to answering my questions and hopefully relieving some of my anxiety and concerns. (I had indicated on my message to her that I still wasn't sure if I was going to do EMDR because of the concerns I had.)

Well, now I am starting to think that I want to drop ALL therapy. I don't want to rehash things with the EMDR therapist, and I guess, if I'm really honest, part of me is upset with my current therapist! As I've said, she's been awesome in helping me manage my anxiety, and I have found the CBT to be very helpful. I trust her 100%, and since that is so very difficult for me, I honestly don't know if I can do that with another therapist! Part of me is angry that my current therapist isn't trained in EMDR. Isn't that ridiculous of me? ? Because of that anger, I want to end therapy with her and just forget about EMDR. I know these are irrational thoughts, but they're what's floating around in my head, and I don't know how to deal with them.:O_o:

 

[Rumors]

I have the same thoughts. Step 1 you already have, realizing they are irrational thoughts. Step 2 is realizing you don't want to live like this anymore and there is something better out there.... Step 3 is doing what is necessary to find peace. It sounds simple but it is essentially the steps. Don't quit. When you think you want to ask yourself if that really solves the problem or if it just makes it worse. Your ptsd symptoms were around before the therapist and likely won't get better without one. You deserve love, respect, peace, and happiness. Do that for yourself. Good luck!

 

[Sideways]

Your brain telling you to 'abandon ship' sounds like anxiety;)
Like: if this shop is too crowded, leave now; that person's too close to me, run away; therapy is too confronting, run run run.

You already know the answer to this one I think - "thanks brain, but actually therapy is safe and I need to heal":)

 

[sun seeker]

I honestly don't know if I can do that with another therapist! Part of me is angry that my current therapist isn't trained in EMDR. Isn't that ridiculous of me? ? Because of that anger, I want to end therapy with her and just forget about EMDR.

It's not ridiculous, but it's also not a good idea. :-)

You say it's hard for you to trust and that you have abandonment issues. Sounds like there are some attachment issues that still need work. It's a common strategy to avoid the pain of abandonment, to leave before the other person has a chance. While this might relieve the tension for a while, eventually the same cycle would repeat somewhere else in your life, whether with another therapist or someone else. You need to stick with the therapeutic relationship you have worked so hard on, and keep working. Don't give up now, being honest with your therapist about how you are feeling and working on it with her could help you make tons of progress.