Sufferer Recovering from abuse

Teddie

Learning
Hello, my name is Teddie.

I’m 21 and I have a full-time office job. I like sewing, reading and fashion! My quality of life currently is pretty high - I have my own income, I live rent-free, I have many friends, a good relationship with my paternal family and I’m looking forward to attending university in 2024 for philosophy.

I don’t remember a lot of my trauma. To be honest, I don't really understand why I have CPTSD because I just don’t remember or relate to enough of what happened.

I have vague pictures in my head of what happened but I know it’s not a lot. I know I was bullied since I could remember but it got quite bad in secondary school. I was pushed down a flight of stairs, my bullies made me carry their bags everyday, they’d kick me and send bigger kids to shove me in bins and often destroy my stuff. I don’t really mind the bullying from the other children that much - I was more upset at the treatment of the teachers. I was having these hysterical panic attacks multiple times a day at school (screaming, convulsing, self-destructive behaviour) during classes and quite often the teachers would back me into a corner and verbally demean or threaten me with incarceration. I found that hurtful and my tolerance for public humiliation became very high. School for me was a series of verbal and physical abuse from both teachers and students. It was actually shocking how the staff treated me.. They truly, truly hated me and they let me know. To this day I still find it unbearable to feel like I’m about to be physically intimidated, fingers in my face, attempts to pry me out of cowering. I was really unwell in school and I’m very ashamed of my uncontrollable behaviour. I know I couldn’t help it and I was severely unwell but I was eventually kicked out of school which I found devastating because despite everything I am still very academic. I don’t think it’s necessary to go over typical things you expect from bullying or general school troubles.

My mum and brother would physically and verbally abuse me at home. The house was dirty growing up and chaotic. I’d come home and my brother would drag me by my hair, wrists or ankles into the bathroom. Our bathroom door was broken so he could remove the door handle whenever he threw me in there and he would leave me locked in there until our mum came home. I remember screaming until my throat was sore and trying to work out how to open the window but never being old enough to understand how to open it. I would scream and scream and scream until I fell asleep on the tiled floor and wait until mum came home around 6-7pm so I could eat. Again, I don’t think it’s really necessary to go over typical child abuse stuff that you expect. You get the idea.

There’s one event that stood out to me, though, during my mum’s abuse. When I was 14 she took her fingernail and stabbed me in my left eye. I was on the floor by her feet and I was shrieking in agony. Strangely there wasn’t a single drop of blood anywhere but there was eye juice (?) absolutely everywhere. God must have forgiven me that day because my eyesight wasn’t hindered and I didn’t need any medical attention (not that I was allowed it, of course). My mum is a very emotionless person apart from anger and I remember her being so cold when she did it. Seeing me at her feet terrified didn’t seem to bother her even slightly. She growled at me to go to my bed and that was that. Againnnn, I feel no need to go over the typical physical abuse slapping, punching, scratching, etc. stuff or the verbal abuse stuff. My mum loves (?) me but has never expressed it to me beyond physically providing for me like food, shelter, clothes. She’s evil but I can’t fault her for not providing financially for any of us. My mum is a huge, huge part of my trauma. Probably the most prominent figure in it all. Themes of rejection, public humiliation, betrayal, harm, carelessness.

There’s other things as well but they aren’t really a big deal like trauma to do with food (I didn’t eat much until I was 17 and I still have a lot of restrictive/binging/purging eating disorder behaviours), I was sexually assaulted in scouts by another child, I was inpatient for about a year-ish, briefly was into drugs and had an alcohol problem during the period I was eating about 200 calories per day so that really f*cked my brains up. I actually found substance abuse and the consequences of it pretty f*cking traumatic which should be obvious but I feel silly saying it because it’s self-induced. I’m fully sober now! I have the odd social drink and well my eating is still a problem but it probably always will be. </3 My eating disorder is like a best friend at times. I also found being homeless and estranged pretty traumatic. I was 17 and still in college while it was happening. Luckily I still passed and got good grades! I think I’m just used to studying under volatile conditions so it did make a huge impact but I didn’t drop out because of it.

Anyway-

That’s all I remember. I tend to be on the obsessive, reactive, psychotic side when it comes to my symptoms. A hysterical woman. Lol… I have calmed down a lot recently, though. It’s a really powerful feeling for me when I’m able to let go, forgive and move on. Hope you enjoyed my sob story! It felt cathartic to get it out there.

I find the beach very healing and the ability to walk away. The idea of freedom is important to me and I never realised as a child that I could just walk away or let things go. I like to distract myself with things I enjoy like artwork, fashion, video games and socialising with friends. I also like to practice mindfulness and exercise to calm down. :)
 
Hello, my name is Teddie.

I’m 21 and I have a full-time office job. I like sewing, reading and fashion! My quality of life currently is pretty high - I have my own income, I live rent-free, I have many friends, a good relationship with my paternal family and I’m looking forward to attending university in 2024 for philosophy.

I don’t remember a lot of my trauma. To be honest, I don't really understand why I have CPTSD because I just don’t remember or relate to enough of what happened.

I have vague pictures in my head of what happened but I know it’s not a lot. I know I was bullied since I could remember but it got quite bad in secondary school. I was pushed down a flight of stairs, my bullies made me carry their bags everyday, they’d kick me and send bigger kids to shove me in bins and often destroy my stuff. I don’t really mind the bullying from the other children that much - I was more upset at the treatment of the teachers. I was having these hysterical panic attacks multiple times a day at school (screaming, convulsing, self-destructive behaviour) during classes and quite often the teachers would back me into a corner and verbally demean or threaten me with incarceration. I found that hurtful and my tolerance for public humiliation became very high. School for me was a series of verbal and physical abuse from both teachers and students. It was actually shocking how the staff treated me.. They truly, truly hated me and they let me know. To this day I still find it unbearable to feel like I’m about to be physically intimidated, fingers in my face, attempts to pry me out of cowering. I was really unwell in school and I’m very ashamed of my uncontrollable behaviour. I know I couldn’t help it and I was severely unwell but I was eventually kicked out of school which I found devastating because despite everything I am still very academic. I don’t think it’s necessary to go over typical things you expect from bullying or general school troubles.

My mum and brother would physically and verbally abuse me at home. The house was dirty growing up and chaotic. I’d come home and my brother would drag me by my hair, wrists or ankles into the bathroom. Our bathroom door was broken so he could remove the door handle whenever he threw me in there and he would leave me locked in there until our mum came home. I remember screaming until my throat was sore and trying to work out how to open the window but never being old enough to understand how to open it. I would scream and scream and scream until I fell asleep on the tiled floor and wait until mum came home around 6-7pm so I could eat. Again, I don’t think it’s really necessary to go over typical child abuse stuff that you expect. You get the idea.

There’s one event that stood out to me, though, during my mum’s abuse. When I was 14 she took her fingernail and stabbed me in my left eye. I was on the floor by her feet and I was shrieking in agony. Strangely there wasn’t a single drop of blood anywhere but there was eye juice (?) absolutely everywhere. God must have forgiven me that day because my eyesight wasn’t hindered and I didn’t need any medical attention (not that I was allowed it, of course). My mum is a very emotionless person apart from anger and I remember her being so cold when she did it. Seeing me at her feet terrified didn’t seem to bother her even slightly. She growled at me to go to my bed and that was that. Againnnn, I feel no need to go over the typical physical abuse slapping, punching, scratching, etc. stuff or the verbal abuse stuff. My mum loves (?) me but has never expressed it to me beyond physically providing for me like food, shelter, clothes. She’s evil but I can’t fault her for not providing financially for any of us. My mum is a huge, huge part of my trauma. Probably the most prominent figure in it all. Themes of rejection, public humiliation, betrayal, harm, carelessness.

There’s other things as well but they aren’t really a big deal like trauma to do with food (I didn’t eat much until I was 17 and I still have a lot of restrictive/binging/purging eating disorder behaviours), I was sexually assaulted in scouts by another child, I was inpatient for about a year-ish, briefly was into drugs and had an alcohol problem during the period I was eating about 200 calories per day so that really f*cked my brains up. I actually found substance abuse and the consequences of it pretty f*cking traumatic which should be obvious but I feel silly saying it because it’s self-induced. I’m fully sober now! I have the odd social drink and well my eating is still a problem but it probably always will be. </3 My eating disorder is like a best friend at times. I also found being homeless and estranged pretty traumatic. I was 17 and still in college while it was happening. Luckily I still passed and got good grades! I think I’m just used to studying under volatile conditions so it did make a huge impact but I didn’t drop out because of it.

Anyway-

That’s all I remember. I tend to be on the obsessive, reactive, psychotic side when it comes to my symptoms. A hysterical woman. Lol… I have calmed down a lot recently, though. It’s a really powerful feeling for me when I’m able to let go, forgive and move on. Hope you enjoyed my sob story! It felt cathartic to get it out there.

I find the beach very healing and the ability to walk away. The idea of freedom is important to me and I never realised as a child that I could just walk away or let things go. I like to distract myself with things I enjoy like artwork, fashion, video games and socialising with friends. I also like to practice mindfulness and exercise to calm down. :)
Hi Teddie,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It takes a lot of courage to open up about such difficult experiences, and I want to commend you for that. I'm so sorry to hear about the traumas you have endured, both at school and at home. No one deserves to be treated that way, and it's understandable that these experiences have had a significant impact on your life.

While it's common to have gaps in our memories regarding traumatic events, the emotions and symptoms that arise from those experiences can still be very real. It's possible to have a diagnosis of CPTSD without remembering all the details of what led to it. Your reactions and symptoms can be indicators of the trauma you have been through.

It's great to hear that your quality of life is currently high, and I'm glad that you have found some healing activities that bring you joy and help you manage your symptoms. The beach, distractions like artwork and fashion, video games, and socializing with friends are all healthy coping mechanisms. Practices like mindfulness and exercise can also be beneficial in calming the mind and body.

However, I also want to emphasize the importance of seeking professional help if you haven't already. Trauma therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), can be very effective in helping you process your experiences and develop healthy coping strategies. A trauma specialist will be able to guide you through the healing process and provide the support you need.

In addition to professional help, connecting with others who have experienced similar traumas can be immensely helpful. By joining our peer-to-peer community at myptsd.com, you can find support, validation, and understanding from individuals who have gone through similar struggles. It's a safe space where you can share your experiences, ask questions, and offer support to others. Our community members truly understand what you're going through, which can be a powerful source of connection and healing.

On myptsd.com, you will find different forums dedicated to specific topics related to PTSD and CPTSD. These forums cover a wide range of discussions, such as trauma recovery, self-care, relationships, and professional resources. Exploring these forums can provide you with valuable insights and resources that can aid you in your healing journey.

Remember, you're not alone, Teddie. We are here to support you, and I encourage you to continue seeking the help you need. Your strength and resilience shine through in your message, and I believe you have the capacity to heal and thrive.
 
So glad you're doing well enough right now, and very happy that you're here to work through what you need to. I related to your words quite a lot, though unlike you I've slowly become unable to work or take care of myself, though I'd love to go drive to the beach or hang out in the rainforest of the upper southern United States lol

Welcome and nice to meet you, looking forward to seeing you around :)
 
Back
Top