Recovery From Multiple Shootings And Suicide In A Family.

[ronin47]

I left twice and returned as he stalked me and even going to court didn't help. The male judge then said "You must of done something to piss him off". So much for help. It took me twenty eight years to leave him. So how could I do anything to protect myself, let alone anyone else under the circumstances..

I gather from this post that your children and your surviving siblings are no longer in immediate danger. That was my primary concern, that someone in your family was still being actively abused. I am very sensitive to such issues since I would have suffered far less abuse in my own life had my mother chosen to stand up to my stepfather. It was unclear from your OP but now I think I understand the situation better

<Full quote edited by KP the Nut>

 

[Loloma]

There is something I have to admit to. I am so glad that I had my breakdown twenty one years ago. It helped me finally release all the pent up hurt, anger and emotions that I had bottled up over all the years. As a result of the abuse and traumas I had suffered.

Mind you it was horrific at the time, but in hindsight was still a good thing. The time in the hospital and the years following, I learnt a lot of coping skills. These skills have been a life saver when difficult situations arose. Now if a traumatic event occurs such as a death or recently marriage breakdown, I can stabalise quicker than previously.

The hardest thing in the world is staying with the emotions when they begin to break free. So many people, check themselves out as they can't bare to "go there". The fear of the unknown is terrifying. The feeling that you will loose your sanity is overwhelming. In a way it's like being hypnotised, where you have to let go. If you don't feel safe, you won't let go. When you do it is like going into another dimension. Very unreal and very frightening. It is a thousand times better than spending your life sucked into the past, that you cannot change.

I will no longer let my emotions take over and consume my life. Having spent so many years in "unhappy" mode is not good. I can't move forward like this, I have a responsibility to myself to not live in the past. To not hold on to the bad memories that previously crippled me. If I do this I will never be able to appreciate what is in front of me, which is my wonderful children and grandchildren. They deserve to have a happy mother that they don't have to constantly worry about.

Despite what they saw happening to me, and what they experienced at the hands of their father, it has not ruined their lives. I have overcome my feeling of guilt and stopped beating myself up about it. Apart from the emotional instability in their personal lives, they have managed to be productive, excellent parents who fight for their children. I must of done something right. They are not drug users or alcoholics, what more can a parent ask for. I know that they love me and are willing to take me in and provide a place to live.

When I go back I plan to leave my backpack behind. I'm sick of running with it. The PTSD will always be there I know, but it is possible to live with it.

 

[Gloria]

My father sent one of my brothers to clean the blood off the walls in her rental apartment, I have the feeling he lacked empathy. Always getting one of his kids to clean up the mess.

Dear Loloma,
I have been quite a mess the past month but I finally found your thread. I just want to tell you that my brother was twenty three and I was the one who had to wash the walls when he shot himself in front of my then nine year old son. Then my sister committed suicide and I cleaned up after her because I loved them. Every time I washed the wall, I did it with love because it was all that was left of them. I was the only one that really loved them and didn't want some stranger making comments or acting like it was their trajedy not my brother's. I did it and I'm proud of myself for doing it. I honored my brother and sister.
People who haven't lived through these experiences just don't understand.
Hugs,
Gloria

 

[Gloria]

Dear Loloma,
I feel I understand you in many ways. I know how hard it is to raise children to be normal when you have not experienced a normal childhood. You are very brave and I have always liked you from the first time I saw you and now I am jealous that people in Europe and I didn't! :cautious: But even though we very far a part, I have you in my prayers. I admire you very much for you ability to rise above it. I know that the memories will never go away. It's been thirty five years since my younger brother died and no matter how I try, my eyes still get a little misty when I think of him.
Many blessings!!
Gloria