Regaining Sexual Desires

[jka37]

All I know is for myself I want to enjoy sex and I want sex to be fun -not some dark place that is ruled by have toos and despairs and get it over with attitude-but for and about me also

I hear ya. I feel so much pressure over letting my boyfriend down...he is so much different than me, and has such a strong sex drive and will literally be almost in pain with the tension he feels from having to stop suddenly several times...I know there are no "have to's," but that doesn't stop me from feeling them or creating them based on my past experiences.

Ugh.

It really does help to hear that I'm not alone. Thank you, friends.

 

[jka37]

It's very difficult for me to talk about because I really don't even know what I feel. All I know is it's definitely one of my biggest obstacles right now. It's always been hard for me to be intimate with guys I've been interested in because there are just so many emotions wrapped up in there together. There's fear and trust issues, the desire for intimacy, the hesitation to be intimate, the desire to stay true to my morals and upbringing... It's just so tough to know what I want and how to get it.

Gosh, I relate to a lot of that...It's especially difficult when you mix the confusion of strict moralistic upbringing into the combo. Not that being moral or having values is bad...but when we cling to them out of mere need for safety, they aren't worth nearly as much and can add a lot of anxiety.

....A lot of times, I feel dysfunctional that I don't want to do anything. Other times, I want it so bad that I get in over my head, and I freak out. :barefoot:

I hate feeling dysfunctional. I've felt like there is something wrong with me or my wiring for years. Why can't I orgasm? Why do I freeze up? It's all getting more clear, and it really just sucks.

 

[War within]

It is good to know your not alone. The PTSD program I am just wrapping up opened up a whole new view for me. I had built my life especially my sex life on secrecy and fear. I now feel the "right" to use my voice. I am just working through the "have to" part of sex with my partner and I am so grateful for our abilit to communicate otherwise I gave off so many mixed messages. He is aware enough of my issues now to be able to call me on some of my actions. It is difficult when they do have a very different sex drive then you and it is such a different experience for him. It frustrates me and I am sure him even though he tells me to chill and all is okay-he understands. It is still crazy hard.

 

[The Albatross]

At the risk of being a "Debbie Downer", I am coming to understand that unless or until I can ease up on the mental effort to "do" life as it lays and come into some sort of acceptance and stay out of my own head... my sexuality situation isn't gonna get any better. Not really sure how that's going to happen... but I just can't relax enough to override the PTSD and/or sexual disfunction to embrace intimacy.

Any ideas are welcome.

 

[War within]

I dont think we can underestimate the power of emotional release during an organism.That being said I healed so much when i stopped fighting them and began to understand and respect my feeling during this time.

I so respect the truth in your words Albatross. When I did override my feeling I hurt myself deeply and my disassociation became more intense. I had work it through with qualified therapist who expertise was with PTSD. Yet that being said when I started to recognize and find ways to express those emotions I began to heal something inside of me-it didn't take away the problem but it was the beginning of addressing the issue.It is still hard though and I often feel very lonely and angry and very detached after sex which is I'm sure the last thing my partner now wants.

<Edited - merged two consecutive posts.>

 

[Lucille]

I agree as well, Albatross. I have trouble functioning even in the "simple" life tasks... and intimacy is far from simple.

 

[Anna1954]

I dont think we can underestimate the power of emotional release during an organism.That being said I healed so much when i stopped fighting them and began to understand and respect my feeling during this time.

I so respect the truth in your words Albatross. When I did override my feeling I hurt myself deeply and my disassociation became more intense. I had work it through with qualified therapist who expertise was with PTSD. Yet that being said when I started to recognize and find ways to express those emotions I began to heal something inside of me-it didn't take away the problem but it was the beginning of addressing the issue.It is still hard though and I often feel very lonely and angry and very detached after sex which is I'm sure the last thing my partner now wants.

<Edited - merged two consecutive posts.>

I have to say celibacy has been part of my life for 19 yrs. I built a wall 10 ft high and I would not let any man in. For the last 2 yrs I have talking to a man while he was in Afganistan and we finally got together and believe it or not for some reason I tore my wall down. I felt very comfortable with him for some reason. But I found out he is having premature ejaculation. Also another goody he also has ptsd. lol Well to tell you the truth I felt like the sex was pretty good considering I am not sure what its suppose to be like with an older man. The last time I had had sex I was in my 30's. But now I feel I might be conquering this horrible illness. I do feel bad because he has pushed away so I haven't been able to talk to him and I feel again empty. But I am strong and will get over this.
I hope you are getting the help you need so that someday this will be behind you. I feel for you in every way possible. So hang in there and believe in yourself that you are worthy of love. God bless

 

[Anna1954]

sorry I already posted on this subject

 

[Anna1954]

What is going on NewDay770 having a bad day?

 

[JohnJohn1954]

Sex is scary for me. I've never had it, to my knowledge...since finding out I have DID, I'm not so sure. All I know is with my boyfriend, once I finally start enjoying whatever we're doing, I flip out and start switching parts and feel disgusted and scared. Its so hard to deal with, and its really discouraging. I wonder if we'd ever have sex if we were married (I'm waiting as best I can).

Been there, do that. Strange, it took about 25 years for it to become this bad. I think. Started small with just trying to be close to someone was difficult. Then it became a switch from having an enjoyable time to suddenly finding it all against "one of our" grain. Yup to yuck in 0.5 seconds flat. Found out that maybe not all of "us" have the same inclination? Who knows? Of course, there have been times when it was great. I guess it depends on the triggers that make it change.
J

 

[Powder]

I like the Albatrosses statement that it really starts outside the bedroom. We don't change into someone else in there. It's all us. Whatever was bothering us outside the realm of sex is going to bother us there, too. Healing one thing leads to healing another.

I also like the DID idea (or really just the idea of our parts or having inner conflict, which we all have) of listening to the parts that maybe don't want something and why. Very important with our without a Dissociative Diagnosis. Thank you for saying that JJ54. That is what I'm finding, to feel I get all of me "on board" initially and in the initiation process. If I feel a part of me is really not as into it as the main parts, for lack of better terms, I do a rethink kind of voting system to see how I truly feel about it. (I don't have the diagnosis, but I "get it" intuitively and think I actually have some fragmentation that may be considered DID or DDNOS, but that's not for here and I'm not sold on the theory yet.)

I have observed that anyone, PTSD or not, coming from an abusive home is highly compartmentalized if functional; therefore, it may look like DID when it may be a normal coping reaction. Just a thought. I'm not a PhD.

Muse

 

[Srain]

I don't battle just the emotional but physical pain. It's taken me years to find out that I basically have muscle spasms inside that are one HUGE "charle horse" it doesn't take much to take make sex unbearable. I had brought this subject up to my TT and the suggestion was to see a new Gyno Doc and this lead me to new mind opening information about just what all goes on with the female parts and their muscles.

I'm currently getting help with this finally after years of being basically ignored by the medical community.