Rejected Again

[Bloomy]

Story of my life. I knew as a kiddo that what they did to me would cause great harm. I promised my self that when I became a grown up I would turn the world up side down to get the help I need to repair these wounds that were caused me.
And so I did. I turned the world up side down to get help. I pleaded and begged evert body and every one to help me. Or assist me, Or support me. But no. No one seems to be able to. Most often my story cause people such pain that I must help them to carry what I just told them about my life. Poor people. Must be unberable to hear such life stories as mine.

And now today the last support was confirmed taken away from me. The counsler I had on the phone thats been a great help me during the past month or two. The first two counslers that ever did actually help me. By not making me a victim. By being able to stand my life storie and carry it on their own instead of putting the burden of their horror on my shoulders.

Counsler said today she only called to say that they were no longer allowed to talk with me like theyve done before. We had 5 min to talk and if I had something to say these 5 min would be it.

Dragged the carpet under my feet.

f*ck the world. f*ck everything. Yes I know. Im one of them. Loner. Doesnt fit in to any god darn category of one that should be supported.

f*ck it all. Im so mad. Im alone. And they tell me I should not feel rejected.

But if you spend you whole life asking for help. Searching for help. And all you hear is bullshit. Then you are entitled to be as mad as hell.

I didnt ask to come into a world full of abuse, violence, rapes, neglect, lack of love, lack of care, understanding, fellowship, support and so forth.

Ive done all I can despite all the things that work against me to do the right thing.

Instead they call me crazy, Dangerous. And then the contrary to resourceful to be helped. Strong. And then they diagnose me behind my back as borderline. Even do Im not f*ckin borderline. Im a survivor. Its normal to have reactions when your father f*cked you.

So yes - Im on my own now. I dont know after today if I can ever trust that I can be anything but strong. Thas what the world seems to be demanding of me in order to surive. Im not entitled to help. Im not good enough for help. f*ck it.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Very sorry. You are strong and take pride in that. Personally though not here often this place has been a great place and more helpful than therapists. I do take what is said however with a grain of salt because I have discovered it is worth having hope always. For instance I was told I would always have to deal with physical flashbacks. I started creative visualization rather looking up how to fight off the particular attack I fell prey to and with in a week my dreams and nightmares changed and the physical flashbacks have almost entirely stopped now maybe a brief episode less than 5 minutes once every six months or so vs. multiple times a day. Never lose hope. Be strong. Foster self love you are worth it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Even do Im not f*ckin borderline. Im a survivor.

I have BPD and also a survivor and also not dangerous, other than hurting myself. Maybe im not understanding that.

Counsler said today she only called to say that they were no longer allowed to talk with me like theyve done before. We had 5 min to talk and if I had something to say these 5 min would be it.

Im sorry this happened but im confused, why did it happen? What excuse did they give in why they couldnt talk to you anymore? Im confused.

Im sorry this happened! I know the feeling of a counselor abandoning you and its horrible! Im so sorry! :hug:

 

[Bloomy]

@lostforgottensoul the reason.... This time.... Is that they are not providing the support I need and I must find that elsewhere. They can obviously only give 5 min support. Or - I know from the other counsler that were very honest with me - that they think I take up to much time from them. I told her that thanks to this support Im now moving forward and that should be worth something? But no. Its not worth a shit to them.

@4melissa I read another post or comment you wrote here. Dont remember which but remember it encouraged me. I could need support to talk about the next step on the healing journey Ive embark on. Instead Im yet again to also heal from more rejections. From more belive that the world is full of non care fake profesionals. I was so angry when I wrote that I almost when back to self harm. I did not need that shit today as I were supposed to keep my shit toghter and write an important applicant.

Ad notam: met my daughter after all this. I said it before and Ill say it again - she is my ray of sunlight. I dont talk with her about such things, but anyhow it seems she understand something and she lifts me up. Grateful for that.

 

[Bloomy]

This ordeal makes me sick to my gut actually. Its almost unbearable. I know Im not a popular person and I will never be.
If I could have one wish in the world - and I know I cant - is for some one to talk to me the way I talk me my daughter. To relentlessy be by my side and belive in me through bad days as well as good. To tell me that I can do this. Im worth it. To not let the darkness I feel now be the future.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Is that they are not providing the support I need and I must find that elsewhere.

Im so sorry! I know this is hard! Ive had 4 counselors abandon me so i get it.

But, look at it this way, maybe they dont have the training to best help you. Not that you are crazy or "un-help-able" but that you need someone better trained in the areas that you need help the most.

Like, some counselors arent trained to help someone with childhood abuse. Some arent trained for PTSD, etc. So, that doesnt mean you are "crazy", it just means you need a more adequate therapist and the best thing for a therapist/counselor to do if they dont have adequate training is to pull out...but they should have refered you to another therapist that does have adequate training.

Also, if you are diagnosed BPD, that does NOT mean you are crazy nor does it mean you are dangerous or anything else. I have BPD and mostly its feeling emotions in their highest extremes, having low abilty to handle distress & regulate emotions, have poor coping skills, just to name a few but so you are diagnosed BPD. Thats not the worst thing in the world!

Anyway, im very sorry this all happened! I know it hits that abandonment issue real hard. BIG :hug:s from me!

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Love yourself like your daughter. I councel myself this way and it is very helpful.
At a point the pain was physical and so unbearable I looked like I was having seizures.. I only take meds and check in routinely with psychiatrist every 3 months and not wasting time on councelors any more. You have what you need - ask yourself.. if my daughter was suffering this what would I tell her.. and speak it to your heart. Above all do not lose hope.
I can not believe how much better I am doing ditching the losers that made me question myself. It does get lonely as I am extremely isolated also.. but it is getting better all the time really I am learning to love fostering talents - getting on with life etc. I went through a cathartic phase of online advocacy on an anonymous page.. it helped , and now frankly not looking for
whats missing in someone else -
I am finding I do not need them or the bullshit. I would be willing to believe you also can adapt.

 

[Bloomy]

@lostforgottensoul - I must say first I know and acknowledge your good intentions and I sincerely apprecite it :hug:

When It comes to the diagnose It is the worst thing in the world to me. Ill fight it till the day I die. Cause I was f*cked inside out and thats the true diagnose. Any one going through the hell I have would have had symptomes of being a survvivor. But it does not make me to have this diagnose. This is so important for me to hold on to cause if not the diagnose will come first and I and my traumas will come second. I respect your wiew and that you dont object to your diagnose, but for me this is diferent. I have ptsd after traumas and thats it.

These counslers where the most helpfull I ever talked with. To have them take this carpet right under my feet made me stumble and fall really hard. I never thought Id get such good help as they have been given me the short time this lastet. It was to good to be true and to good to last.

I have proven to be a person that can be helped. But Im still not good enough to be helped despite. I fall between all chairs as they say in the help system cause I come of as resourceful at the same time as I dont. So they dont know what to do to help me and send me of to other people. This has been my life story for over 20 years now and I can barely take it anymore. I realise I can not and will not ask anymore, They can all go and f*ck them selves. I get so mad thinking about this my words can not describe.

It was just naive of me to think that this time I would get support. I must realise that I can not get what I need and swallow the bitter pill as some one else here said. Stop being so incredible stupid. Stop hurting my self.

 

[Bloomy]

@4melissa there is a known quote saying something that before you diagnose your self with depression or low self esteem ask your self first if your not surrounded by idiots.

I guess it is the hurt child witin my self that yet again is rejected by the so called grown ups. It hurts to live in such a cold world.

Blessed be that I have my daughter yes and that she love me cause this is the only thing that now can see me through this. No amount of word can describe how deeply heartfelt its is for me to recive her acceptance.

You know - today was the first day I couldnt manage to pull my shit togeter when I went to see her. I was quite deeply disturbed ad shaken. I knew I had to. But couldnt.
So I went to the cafe. Our regular. Where we know other regulars. And upon seing the other regulars I just couldnt. I coulndt more then give them a brief fake smile and hello. I couldnt stay there with these people that chit chatter like its all well and probably is. So just before my daughter came I fell down into the black whole. Staring away empty. When she came she wanted to talk to the regulars. I abruptly said - no!! Well go - now. And she was like what the heck happend? And I run of quikly cause I needed to get my act togheter. She came after me asking me what was up. I cant give her my burden. She is still a kiddo So I must carry this alone. I just said I had a long day and didnt want to talk with this people. Avoiding the truth as well as I could. But she seemed to understand something and accepeted I would not use her to talk about this. I havent gotten the grasp of how this young girl do this, but she in her own special sweet and lovable way treat me in such manner that I can see the sun come back from behind the skies. And I can become her mom again. The one that she look up to. And care for. And accept the love from. And care.

Push send quikly before I regret. Need to share this.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Therapy isn't the cure all, it isn't the only thing that can fix us. There are many ways that a person can get the help that they need. First of all, it's about attitude. The way in which you should ask for help. Be CALM, be polite, be patient. You are not the only person with a problem.

Learn by watching others... I think this is one of the biggest things that people that have mental disorders should do. WATCH how other people interact, watch how they ask for their needs to be met. Watch how people all around you live life in general. At the store, at the mall, out shopping. Just watch how others interact.

Read self help books. Read self help articles on the Internet.

Yes, it sucks that you lost your therapist, but it really isn't the end of the world. Don't let this get to you...... It's a setback, so find anther way. You can do this...

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I will tell you a few things that were helpful to me, breathing through painful times knowing in a day or so it will at least temporarily subside. Settting time aside to process the emotion also helped me to not let it ooze out of place, and for me personally eyeliner also helped (yes I know that is not scientific.. but it helped me avoid looking like Alice Cooper and paste on a happy acceptable face) Bite the bullet - people are assholes - true story. You are not alone. Time.. recognize your patterns if you may be slipping and practice meditaion and self care. Some alternative therapies such as visualization of a different outcome and better yet videos. Binaural beats and isochronic tones for meditation are a good deal to. Music and reframing. Honor yourself- be patient with yourself and give yourself time. Small changes add up.. two steps forward one back your moving forward.

I have personally made far more progress outside of therapists office and been sorely let down wasted time and resources for nothing but people who seem slow and who can not comprehend my life. I am grateful and accept my uniqueness.. my story and yours has a place to create a better future for someone. Advocacy builds continuity and you will watch the world change. Honor yourself and let yourself step out of it now and then. God bless. You can do this. Anger channeled is tremendously powerful and when all else fails and you don't know what to do with it- put it into a workout or hit a punching bag. Your going to be fine

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Also noting I had tested which said I did not have enough for a diagnosis with out medication, yet they keep continuing to insist I have a mental illness schizoaffective in this case. I asked my therapist who told me outright they will label you to keep the insurance company shelling out and keep you in treatment. You are right, they do this and your feelings are most likely the natural response to trauma in my non-professional opinion. I had been a bit touchy with rejection as I was thrown out by my family as a kid and gang raped and left to die.. no charges.. no one cared. Yup.. but its ok to get mad. Clearly you have better manners than me I will outright claim and own my anger. I have a right. It would be helpful if we were not in a society that glamorizes rape culture and violence to women and then strips thier emotion via medication in my opinion frankly.