Rejected Child With Complex Ptsd Misses Re Enacting Trauma.

[alive_in_pgh]

My mother wanted to abort me and I don't think I ever bonded with her fully as an infant. My dad was has been off junk and alcohol for 27 years but he's never sought treatment for his schizoid personality or compulsive hoarding. Both my parents and my older sibling were verbally abusive towards me. I stilI have intense fears of abandonment. I used to escape reality with sex, and then compulsive eating. I've been maintaining abstinence from disordered eating behavior for 4 years thanks to Overeaters anonymous. Adult children of alcoholics helps but it is hard for me to reach out to a would be sponsor. I used to re enact my trauma regularly by finding men to choke, bind and bruise me. I know that I can't do this anymore but the desire is slow to fade.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Alive,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. It is wonderful that you have reached out to support groups for help, and this is a great support group for PTSD. But it is also important to get therapy for your trauma, as it will then become less intrusive in your life.

There is a lot of information here and I hope you find the site helpful.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum Alive. I'm not surprised by your compulsions, one needs to seek the feeling of acceptance when it was no where to be found at home. Deb is right, therapy is one good way out of all that URK. With time, you will gain some empowerment in your life. Best of luck to you and keep posting.

 

[MouseWedger]

Hello and welcome Alive,
I too, am not surprised by your compulsion to be reminded of your trauma. As a child I also heard about how my mother "should have" aborted me, she told me I was a "mistake" and she wished I had never been born. I suffered greatly at her hands, and as an adult find myself working in a juvenile detention facility where I have found most if not all of the delinquents I work with have suffered the same abuse. Keep posting and finding the help and support you deserve.
Hugs and happy thoughts
Mouse

 

[alive_in_pgh]

Thank you all for your experience strength and hope. Therapy has and continues to help me. I continue to be impatient with myself. I have to remember I can expect recovery but not a cure.

 

[Lionheart]

Hi Alive,

I used to suffer from abuse specific repetition compulsion, which is the same as saying that I re-enacted the original abuse traumas, much as you did. It took a while for the desire to fade but it eventually dissapeared and now I no longer have any compulsion or urge to act out. I hope that you will find a sponsor, (I am ACOA too) I know how much having a sponsor can help. I also hope that you will continue to go to therapy because out of all the things that helped my PTSD symptoms therapy and medications are top on my list.
Best of luck,
LH

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Alive,

Welcome to the forum! I am glad that you found your way onto the forum. I have CPTSD and have similar trust issues to yours. I am working hard at therapy, but it sometimes seems to be very slow. Trust is difficult to learn. I hope the info on the forum and the support from all of the members will help you.

Take care!