Relapse Caused By....feeling Better?

[Dana1010]

Last night I was out and someone--a woman with a foreign accent--approached me out of the blue and began complimenting me. It was very surprising and strange. I must have come off as bashful and disbelieving; she looked at me and said, "You don't know that?" She continued with the unsolicited flattery until I had to move on. I immediately felt a warm glow come over me, and it changed the entire direction of my night. I have been working on a memory loop of being insulted and rejected by someone I really liked, and this incident seemed to fade the memory into the background.

I woke up today still feeling much lighter and happier than I have in quite a while. Come afternoon, I started to inch over to the ugly memory to see if anything had changed about it. Well, it was as ugly as ever and it hooked me just like before. I wound up highly activated with all my symptoms--hyper vigilance, fear, shame, and an acidic burning in my chest present again. I felt worse than I have in a few weeks, and I'm wondering how feeling better, albeit for a brief time, might have provoked it. Does anyone have any insights on this?

 

[Hashi]

I'm wondering how feeling better, albeit for a brief time, might have provoked it.

From what you say, it sounds to me like it wasn't feeling better that triggered anything, but it was this:

I started to inch over to the ugly memory to see if anything had changed about it.

If I understand correctly, you deliberately (gradually) started to think about the incident? I think maybe you expected a little too much, and were a step forward in healing from the incident rather than healed from the incident. So dwelling on it again took you back to all the negative reactions.

I don't see what happened as significant enough to expect no more symptoms. Having said that, I do think it's significant that it happened. It seems when we're aligned with healing, then healing things like that will happen - so I think it's both a good thing to happen in itself, and a sign that you're aligned with healing. I think it's simply that more processing (and perhaps reprogramming old thoughts/feelings) is needed before you could feel more recovered from the original event.

 

[Dana1010]

I think you're mostly right, @Hashi. I just wonder why the bad memory is triggering a worse reaction after the healing incident than it would have five minutes before.

 

[Justmehere]

Perhaps because you are less numb ? It happens a lot that people first feel worse. Imagine you have been in painfully cold water for a long time and then all of a sudden you are in warmer water and then you return to the cold water - it would likely feel a lot colder even if the temp had not changed. It can be kind of like that.

Also, it was an amazing experience, but perhaps not a full resolution to the trauma.

But, remember as much as you can about how it felt and what she said - and it will be even more healing over time.

CBT therapy and CBT self help techniques might help a lot based on your experience.

 

[Dana1010]

@Justmehere, do you have a moment to explain to me what CBT therapy is?

Thanks.

 

[Justmehere]

This article explains it better than I can. :) http://healthpsych.psy.vanderbilt.edu/2009/CBT_PTSD.htm