Relationship Basic Rules

[Deleted member 12723]

I so agree Angelkeep J. It is so sad when some words cannot be taken back. A rift makes a big tear when that happens. It is better to watch what we say. It is worse when the words spoken are meant. It causes seperation.

 

[Let It Be]

I have a lot of work to do in this area so thanks for posting this. Just too many bad memories of bad things happening to myself.

Right now, I'm just working on feeling like I can keep myself "safe" when around others. For so long, I didn't. I have a feeling that if someone approached me, and even wanted to be a friend, I probably wouldn't feel too comfortable and would need to address those feelings, ie. fear, etc.

I have always felt like I was in a "bubble" where a relationship was concerned. Just too much of #1 happened in my life.

 

[MissMacD]

I have been in a relationship for just over three years and my boyfriend crossed a line today that has made me further consider the pros of being with him. If I approach him with concern about anything - like today about his cola addiction he gets aggressive and tries to bring up faults of mine. This makes working on issues in our relationship really slow and painful. He broke rules 1, 10 and 12 today.

I have been as low as I could possibly be and finally have come out of my slump with medication and much needed sleep. He has me in a place where it is very hard for me to leave. I have been off work for almost 5 months with no income and next month will enter being dependent on him. He wants to have no responsibility in the house if I am not paying bills - which I told him I won't do because he makes me feel like a maid not a girlfriend. He never cuts me slack and will do anything to weasel his way out of doing anything that requires effort.

My dilemma is that his family is really nice to me and we have two dogs together and I have no income right now. There has been a screaming voice inside of my head telling me to get out of this but I haven't found the exit. I feel like I am frozen in space afraid of my next move.

He crossed a line today and threatened to yell at me until I cried today which is totally unacceptable. I have to find a job and start squirreling away money and get the hell out of this relationship. He wants to keep the dogs but there is no way in h#$( that I would let him keep them because he wouldn't take care of them.

I no longer feel comfort going to him and receiving affection from him has become increasingly repulsive. Being stabbed while I am already down is a dirty move. Why did it take me so long to notice all of the daggers in my back?

 

[mamachick]

MissMacD-I am very sorry for the position that you are currently in. It is so difficult depending on someone, especially when you have come to find them repulsive. Sounds like the decision to leave the relationship has already been made-that is a positive that you feel strongly about what you need to do.

I like the list in this thread. It focuses on our selves and how we can behave to de-escalate situations. It doenst suggest changing others. The first step is in our own personal inventory. Very good thread.

 

[MissMacD]

I feel like when I say no to something it is not heard. When I say 'no I will not be your maid if you pay all of the bills' he thinks that he will eventually break me down because I have no money when in fact he cannot force me to do anything. I am tempted to leave 5 years worth of possessions behind, pack my dogs into a rental car and drive the 14 hour drive home.

I have lost every possession in my life so many times. I don't know if it can handle it again - yet again possessions seem so worthless at this point.

I feel trapped.

 

[Sailorgal]

MissD-wow I can relate as something similar like that happened to me less than a month ago.

He sounds like he has had enough and also, it has affected him. My ex didn't like me making assumprions about what he's thinking but he saw NOTHING wrong with telling me how I'm feeling! Ironic huh!

Get your bearings, make your plans and don't tell him anything! You don't need any emotional manipulation. The final straw between my ex and I was over HIS misunderstanding. Whatever your bf's reasons are, he is NOT being considerate to your situation. Funny that if we were just "friends" we'd never be kicked to the curb.

Avoid the drama talking about why he is doing this, etc. See how much time you can buy...like "ok im going to my friends but she wont be able to pick me up til Friday."

I had literally NOWHERE to go......had to beg a friend to let me move in.

Here for you!!! Hugs to you and stay strong!!!!! :)

 

[MissMacD]

This morning I woke up feeling pretty crappy. Being in a bad situation is really taxing.

I am going to try my very best to focus on the things I can do right now to make my situation better. I do not have money right now so I am working on an application for temporary social assistance. I started therapy less than a month ago so perhaps I can use some of those outlets to help me get a game plan in order.

I can't deny that my trauma has taken a lot out of him too but limits are limits. He is feeling a financial strain right now because I am not working and he might have to help me out for a few months. I just wish that he could do it without expecting me to do so many extra things in exchange. I haven't had the chance to recover and he hasn't cut me slack. He isn't the kind of guy who wakes up before me in the morning and makes me breakfast - he is super selfish when it comes to kindness. It's hard to not to be able to share things with him because of his insistence to be lazy.

I would like to downsize my material items so that if it does come to me leaving at least there is less to move and I can know what things to bring with me.

 

[Sailorgal]

It sounds like you have your head together. Yes, cut down the material stuff as much as you can! We really don't NEED what we think we need! Maybe you can make a few bucks selling your stuff....

If he was that selfish, you don't need him to begin with. I was pretty lucky that my ex was an absolute sweetheart up until the end when his cup was full.

You will get through it. You are stronger than you may think you are. As tough as it is, it really will make you stronger (im not saying it in the cliche way). It will make you TAKE CHARGE of your life. That is far different from just looking for help.

If you need any boxes and packing tape, let me know. ;)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi I agree with Sailorgal. She is very wise and has come up with some excellent ideas. Take it a baby step at a time. My daughter is in the same position as you and is taking her baby steps to get out. She wants a divorce.

I wish the best for you. Good for you taking such good care of yourself. Hugs.

 

[Phenioxrising]

I have been to afraid to date since PTSD, and Issues. I go by friends first, then let it lead into a relationship, if feelings for each other develop. Can anyone offer any insite on how they proceded into a relationship after such a long time. It seems the more time passes the more I'm afraid. But yearn for some meaning in my life.

 

[BloomInWinter]

We won't find healthy people who can help make a healthy relationship if we're not hanging out in healthy places.

My best suggestion is to find hobbies, causes, volunteering opportunities which match your interests. Spend lots of time just enjoying them and attending any related social events you can. Be yourself, and trust that there will be other like-minded people around you to form friendships.

The best way to meet someone deserving of you is to know yourself, be yourself, and enjoy yourself. Increase your contact with people, and widen your social circles wherever it seems to be a good fit for you.

One of the worst parts of PTSD is the constriction of our lives. We shrink the events we attend, the places we'll go, the social opportunities we could participate in. Many of us end up severely agoraphobic and have so little real contact with other people that our suffering is compounded with loneliness.

What activities outside of the home do you like?

 

[goingonhope]

BloomInWinter, your above post is very nice to read :) right now as these sort of things are exactly what I too am involving myself in again and while contemplating just how much I personally will reach and set as my goal.

Basically, I've set an intention to first select one (of others) interests of mine and to do my utmost to remain focused upon following through with all social interactions, disciplines and efforts which lead up to and through a large event in which members of my family and I look forward too.

Two brains are better then one and together my son and I pulled a wonderful idea together today, for which we also well began our research and preparations today as well. Tommorrow, I will take the next additional steps with these involving lots.