General Relationship Ended: Confused

[thebiz]

I could really use some advice and/or insight. I've been in a long distance committed relationship with someone who has PTSD and TBI, he's been medically discharged from the military. I was living and working in the UK and he was finishing his degree in the US. We decided that the long distance should not go on indefinitely and agreed that the fall when he was done with school would be a good time to start living together.

I resigned from my job, returned to Canada to pack my life into a storage unit that could be moved across the border and went traveling for the month of October while he was finishing school. Communication had become poor due to circumstances (traveling) as well as the stress he was feeling from his courses and not knowing what his next career step would be. I have returned to Canada and am staying with a relative for the time being as I have no fixed address because the plan was for us to start living together in the US.

Earlier this week I emailed him about booking a flight to come visit after I knew his courses were done and found out at that point in time that he had decided to go stay with his parents while he finds a job...I got the impression I wasn't invited :( I emailed him back letting him know my expectations and needs and the following day I received this email:
"Baby things aren't right with me at this point I'm seeking help got it covered with my fam. But I must say live your life and know that I will always love you thank you so much for all you have done just need to find my place in life before I can think of having anything with anyone.

Love"

I was shocked, disappointed, heart broken, sad, the list of emotions go on and on. I responded with the following response:
"Wow, I know you haven’t been yourself at all lately...but in all honesty I would have expected a phone call to deliver this news after everything we’ve been through! A lot of the decisions I’ve made over the past couple of months have been for this relationship and have a MAJOR impact on my life, I would have made different decisions if I had have known you were feeling this way.

I want to be there for you, even through this rough patch, and understand you need to make decisions for yourself, however we can still do this together. I am confused because you don’t walk away from someone you truly love…I’ve stuck with you throughout this and still believe we are in each other’s lives for a reason (not just a season).

X, please have the decency and respect to have a face to face call about this."

He is unwilling to have a phone call with me, but will still communicate via text. I've told him I won't abandon him in his darkest hours and he thanked me, but when I said I'd really like to have a phone call to hear his voice his response was "Sorry I'm sick!" This is all very completely out of character and I'm tempted to reach out to his parents to get some insight since he is unwilling to talk to me right now. The only thing that would have triggered him to make such a drastic thing to end the relationship is this relapse. I am so in the dark and feeling rather helpless. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Justmehere]

Oh, this would be so hard for me. :hug:

Long distance relationships are tough in the best of circumstances. It was good that you insisted that it didn't stay a long distance relationship. It is pretty common for relationships with PTSD suffers to "work" ok when it is a distant relationship, and then for things to fall apart as people draw closer to each other. It's really common. It's also common for PTSD suffers to shut down with loved ones, or shut them right out, when symptoms get tough. (Just search this forum for "shut out" for lots of stories of this very dynamic.)

There are no easy solutions.

I suggest that *all* supporters look into therapy. I think this would be important in your case as well. This isn't because there is something wrong with you, but because any close relationship, or breakup, or something in between, with a PTSD sufferer is tough! Having a TBI makes it all the harder. Impulsive decisions and emotions tend to be stronger. Regardless if it works out or not, it might be a very good idea to talk with a professional that can help sort out how this has impacted you. This would be especially true if you hope to have a future relationship with him.

He is very right on to say that he has to think of his recovery and work on his treatment before he can really include anyone else in a healthy way. If you push for more contact than he has stated he is ok with, it will likely lead to him shutting down more and more. It's NOT an excuse for him treating you this way - but pushing for more contact will not likely lead to increased contact.

It's great and very healthy that you said what you need in the relationship, and it sounds like he is pretty clearly telling you that he can't do it right now. It's not you. It's PTSD. But it doesn't mean that this relationship can work right now. Often, when someone starts treatment, symptoms get much worse before they get better. So it makes sense that this would be an extra hard season for him.

Think of someone fighting cancer. Sometimes it takes all the energy in the world to fight the cancer. There's nothing left for other things - like a new close relationship, living arrangement, etc.

Part of his unwillingness to call you is probably because his realization of what he can and can not do is very heartbreaking for him too. He may need you to love him enough to let him go and give him space. Which is so hard to do. He should have the courage and strength to call, but at least he had the courage to text. Some with PTSD just disappear and don't respond at all.

 

[thebiz]

Thank you so much for your insight Justmehere! Do you think it is out of line or would upset him if I did reach out to his parents? We had talked about spending Thanksgiving with his parents...I guess that's not in the books at the moment :( I definitely need some therapy as I have my own issues around abandonment and that's what this feels like to me right now.

 

[Justmehere]

It's tough to say about his family. If you have had contact with his family in the past, and he says it's ok to contact them now, then it would probably be ok. My hunch is that if he can't do a phone call with you now, then he isn't going to be ready to do a holiday with his family in 4 weeks. Even if he could do a phone call now, it would take a lot of time to build up to a holiday with family. If he tried to do it now, it's likely that his symptoms would increase beforehand and he could re-abandon you all over again. Many people with PTSD have symptom increases around holidays as it is.

It is an abandonment. :( And it probably very painfully echoes past abandonment. :hug: It's common that people who have been through abandonment in the past will be drawn to new relationships where the other person will abandon them again. It's happened to me a handful of times. I have been the abandoned one, and after PTSD kicked in, I abandoned others too. It's not your fault, whatsoever... But counseling will help you to work it out, heal, and find new people and relationships that won't abandon you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree with @Justmehere. It is a LOT easier on both the sufferer (and in some cases the supporter, too) when the relationship is long distance. We have time to recover from stress, we have time to recover from stress, and most importantly, we have time to recover from stress. In a traditional relationship, it tends to go that there is CONSTANT contact, seeing each other all the time, etc. I dated a guy over the summer who was a few hours away and it worked well in that I could see him for a few days, and then have another two weeks to myself. Things didn't work out for other reasons, but if he was living in my town, then the stress from the pressure to see him all the time would overwhelm me. There is another guy who has been wanting to go out with me for over 10 months now and I think the main reason why I don't want to start anything up with him is that I'd feel so much pressure ALL the time to see him or whatever. I just can't deal with that. In a LDR, the pressure is off. Now that push came to shove in your relationship, he realized that he couldn't handle it. Did you two have an extended trial run to see if things could work? I honestly suggest that to everyone in a LDR *before* one party moves, and if an extended trial run isn't possible, then you've gotta be prepared for living a new life in a new city all alone if the relationship doesn't work out (if you can't go back to where you came from).

 

[thebiz]

Thanks for your input Solara! I guess one of the most confusing things to me is that initially it was him who pushed me to book plane tickets so we'd know when the next time we were going to see each other. We had a number of trial runs because I was traveling such a distance to visit I would always stay for at least 10 days where we were together 24/7. It was at his request that I see my car, pack my belongings into a storage pod that could be transported across the border, seek advice from an immigration lawyer so we would know what our options were....ultimately it was me who executed these things, but it was in good faith of the relationship and everything we had talked about during our 8 month relationship building up to a move for us to finally live together. I feel like I'm a bit crazy for not knowing this was all a lie... I understand the pressure he was probably feeling because of the additional layer of stress that I'm not an American citizen, but I've never had experience of dealing with someone with PTSD and thought he was fine with it because he could have told me otherwise at any point along the road. It's put me in a very awkward situation having prepared my life for a move to the US!

 

[thebiz]

Another question in regards to what I should do is: back in August I purchased his graduation present which cannot be returned as it's engraved. I still want to give it to him as it was purchased with love and an intention for him to receive it as a gift. Now that all of this has happened I'm really not certain what to do... I can ask for his parents mailing address and mail it to him, however my preference was to give it to him face to face so I can see his reaction (a bit selfish, but I'm being honest). I could just hold onto it until he's in a better place and perhaps up for a visit. He has spoken about a guilt in regards to the relationship that financially he wasn't able to contribute as much as he wanted to because of his situation with school and all, the last thing I want to do is trigger his symptoms more. Thoughts anyone?

 

[Justmehere]

I feel like I'm a bit crazy for not knowing this was all a lie... I understand the pressure he was probably feeling because of the additional layer of stress that I'm not an American citizen, but I've never had experience of dealing with someone with PTSD and thought he was fine with it because he could have told me otherwise at any point along the road. It's put me in a very awkward situation having prepared my life for a move to the US!

You are not crazy! It sounds like he really lead you on, and that you handled all the steps very smartly. Kudos to you for that. This may sound crazy - but he may not have been lying to you at all. None of us can really be inside his head, but his behavior still sounds very much related to PTSD. The symptoms of PTSD have a way of sneaking up on people, and then BAM, we are out for the count. :( It's also common when attachment issues come into play - that everything is ok up until a certain point of commitment. It's like when people get cold feet just before a wedding. None of this excuses what he did, it's just an explanation of how PTSD can affect romantic relationships.

It's so hard when break ups happen, especially on text, regardless of the cause for them to happen on text. Your desire to give the gift to him in person is very, very normal. However, I wouldn't go around him to get the address from his parents. That could trigger and backfire more than any gift itself. Since sounds like you two do have some texting contact, I would just be upfront and tell him you have a gift, it's engraved, and regardless of the breakup, you would like to give it to him. You can even tell him you prefer to give it to him in person, but simply be prepared that he is probably not likely to be ok with that option.

 

[thebiz]

Thanks for the advice regarding the gift, I think I will hold off on mentioning it at the moment and give him some space for the time being! I actually don't think he was lying at all and I think part of the reason he can't/ won't have a call right now is because of the guilt he feels for failing.... It's hard talking t my family about it because all they see is me and the pain this is causing me, there is no excuse for someone treating me this way! And although I agree (no one has ever broken up with me via email...NEVER) I also know he's a good person and there was a reason we met and decided to be in a relationship. On top of school he also finalized a divorce, lost a child (not biological) he was raising and lost his service dog...that's a lot for anyone! I'm thinking maybe I should have insisted on remaining friends until he was done school and we were in a position to have a 'normal' vs. LDR. It is what it is and I can't change what has happened, I just need to focus on mending my broken heart for the time being and coming up with a plan B.