"Relationship PTSD"

[melissas74]

Hello-

I just turned 30 last friday and in a couple weeks it will be the 1 year anniversary of my divorce being finalized. The divorce was so, SO horrible, that even after all this time (he left 2 years ago), the things my ex-husband did and said to me still haunt me. The way he told me the mistress was better in bed than me, and how I wasn't good enough in just about every way. And how he married this woman and took on her kids after only knowing her a short while (how could anyboody do something like that) It destroyed me- I mean it really burned me completely to the ground.

I really hurt so bad during that time, that I wanted to take my own life. I lost 60 lbs in 4 months because I was always anxious, sick and throwing up. I felt so alone and abandoned. Now I am moving on with my life, and trying to date, but I find that as much as I really want to fall in love with someone again, there is something wrong... like I would like to be married again, but I have been hurt, left and abandoned by men so many times I guess my brain is like LOVE=PAIN. I do not know how to get past it. Lately it just haunts me, and I have a man who is trying to get close to me, but I sit at my desk at work and cry because I am SORE afraid that it's all going to happen again. And I keep hearing my ex's words in my ear, and since every relationship I have been in the man left I feel like OMG here we go again. I don't want to push this guy away and all other guys and end up and old maid. But I am equally as scared that he is going to hurt me like the rest and I CANNOT go through that pain again. I don't know what to do :(

 

[lonetree]

Hi melissas74,

I am from the other side of the gender pool but behavior like that of your ex is inexcusable. On behalf of my gender I am sorry.

To quote a song lyric "had I never loved then never would I'v cried" but I think you need to be true to yourself. That is to say the kind of relationship that you want, be honest with your next partner about what you are looking for and need. Hopfully that will thin out the herd so to speak and get you closer to finding what your looking for.

 

[Jawn]

I agree with lonetree. Your ex is a putz to put it mildly. There are better men out there and you will find one. Telling your next partner what you need/want out of a relationship is a must. It will scare off the players and thin the herd as lonetree said. You just need to hang in there and you will find the right one. Patience is needed though.

Jawn

 

[seraphimfelldown]

Melissas, My first husband was horrible. He spent $50,000 taking me to family court over and over to get our kid, just to hurt me. When he finally one full custody he said, see... i told you i would take him if you left me. Everything in the reports recommended that I have the child, but they said that to prevent trauma to the child the cases had to stop. Even though he had kidnapped my son for six months and I didn't see him. The last court case gave all these examples that women with mental illness were the most likely to kill their child.

So I stayed away from men in general for years. But I did finally meet someone. He's patient with all my odd behaviours and he really loves me. He is so nice that sometimes I think I'm dreaming. So Melissas there is a good chance you'll find a wonderful man who is perfect for you. You just need to wait until he comes along.

What helped me was seeing a relationship therapist (all by myself) to help look for a guy that wouldnt hurt me. Or else look up "red flags in relationships" on the internet so you can see what to avoid.

I really hope things will get better for you.

Sera

 

[Roxyange116]

I just want to say that reading this thread has opened my eyes. I can completely understand how you feel melissas74. I say I am a carer now but I have been through some crazy stuff. I had an abusive ex who would beat me down both physically and emotionally and would say a lot of what your ex did. About not being good enough, no one would want me. When I finally left after a year and a half I felt like he was right. I knew it was what he wanted me to believe but part of me couldn't help but wonder. I stayed away from relationships and love for a long time. I too had the idea that love = pain, both physically and emotionally. Then I met a love from high school and we were great. Took it slow, I started to trust and to love again but then he cheated on me and again I was back where I started. I was done with love and started to use guys like they felt they could use me. I met my sons father and 4 months in was pregnant. I tried this time, really really tried but I just could not love and he felt that. He then took me for custody of my son claiming I was crazy, suicidal and abusive towards him. I have never been as strong as in that moment that I stood up for myself and did all the research I could and won joint custody. After that I was seriously so broken and hurt I did not think I could go on. I knew I had to for my son but I was to a point where I just figured I would focus on him, love him, give him everything he needed/wanted and not look for anyone for myself. And then this amazing guy came along that was "normal" lol I know people are going to be like what is "normal" but I learned a lot from my other relationships so I knew what to look for and he was perfect in every way. I was slow to trust, slow to love. We told each other a lot of stuff we never told anyone else and then I learned he had PTSD and I found this site which was at first to learn more about him and how to help him but I have also found a lot of help for myself and how to move past my past and let things go. I wont say I suffer from anything from that time but I am able to identify with a lot of people here because I have felt that way, that things are hopeless, that each relationship will be the same but I think it just makes us stronger to be able to appreciate the perfect person when they come along. I mean my idea of him was nothing like I imagined. After everything you would think I couldn't be that strong to take on someone with PTSD but I feel like it just shows no one is perfect and love is not something you can choice sometimes it just happens and thought he may withdraw at times, he has never been mean, he has never raised his hand to me and on the good days, I know he loves me and I am willing to stick with him because this doesn't define who he is, its just something we have to work through right now and in time it may get better, it may not but he will never be like those in my past.

I really hope that you find that perfect person for you that will show you that not every person in this world is bad because everyone deserves to be loved regardless of their past or what they deal with now. I hope that you can love one day and have someone love you unconditionally. As for the new guy, I say you have to be open. I mean that's what was so great about this relationship. From the get go he knew my issues and that I couldn't jump in and trust and love off the bat and I might push him away or test him and he told me of his issues and his PTSD and what will happen or could happen and I think that made the difference. If this man can't listen to you and understand what you have been through then that's on him. But give him the chance, try not to just assume he will not be able to handle it and leave. If he leaves, then he was not the one. There is someone for everyone and just reading through this site you will realize. There are some amazing people here who you can learn from.

Sorry for the novel, I wish you all the best!

 

[Deleted member 5760]

I’ve thought about this thread a bit and just thought I’d add a couple of things. Preface this with – we are all different so this is by no means a ‘how to’ guide.

Firstly, I don’t think it’s so much a gender issue or a PTSD issue, so much as it is a relationship issue. Although of course PTSD is gonna play into relationships, especially when you have an increased fear of people in general. So it's probably a relationship issue exacerbated by PTSD.

I think everybody who has been hurt in love (just watch all the hands go up) is then scared to try again. The whole ‘once bitten, twice shy’ adage comes into play. I’ve come out of different relationships before for completely different reasons and still come out thinking the same thing : love = pain. Also, some breakups take us longer to heal from than others. I think that’s probably related to how much of yourself you invested in it, and to just what extent the other person disappointed or betrayed you.

I feel like I’m starting to waffle here – I’ll try to be succinct.

One of the reasons I found the end of my last relationship so hard was because it left me with a real fear of my own judgment. What I mean by that is, I had chosen to be in that relationship. I had honestly ~truly~ believed I would marry that person and that they were the one. I very actively participated in the ‘train wreck’ that was that relationship. I believed in it so strongly I made major life changes to be in the relationship, etc. Quite simply, I believed in this person and the life I was building with them (or should I say around them?).

Boy did I make the wrong call. So I was left with a really strong sense of failure, because I had to admit to myself, this person, and everyone else that in fact, we were in deep deep trouble and it was over. But also because I was sat there thinking that all these decisions were so grown up and I’d been so right choosing this person and blah blah – and boy oh boy did I make a WRONG CALL. So I came out of it like ‘What was I thinking? I don’t trust my own intuition anymore. I don’t trust my own ability to make these decisions. Am I even able to recognise what is right as opposed to what is wrong for me? And if I’m not, wont I just pick the wrong person again and hurt again? Nuh uh, not going there again’, etc etc.

On the forgiveness side of things – there are certain things I realise I am never going to get an apology for from that person. Not a chance. My biggest apology was very recent and it actually came from ME believe it or not. It felt like I stood there in front of myself and went ‘I’ve grown enough now and reflected enough to understand I chose to stay well beyond the beginning of it being unhealthy. And for that I am SO sorry’. And I kinda let something go in that moment where I apologised to myself. And the reality is that I do use the wisdom I gained from that ‘great big f*ckup of a relationship’ in my current (and very new) relationship now all the time. And if you can recognise what you learned you can do the same. That can help boost your confidence when you’re trying again.

Also, I think personally – No one can make you happy. Nobody can come along and fix your PTSD. Even for people without PTSD – nobody else can come along and ‘solve you’. Sometimes I think the people who make us the happiest and who nourish us the most are the ones who don’t try to fix us. They just come along and accept us for who we are, and that includes where we’ve been and how we got HERE. I’d be honest about that side of yourself, without being too honest too soon (overwhelming) and really just be yourself. If you’re feeling scared let them know and you’ll soon discover whether they have patience and understanding.

There is definitely so much hope. And also, surround yourself with even one or two close friends (not your partner) who you can also share those insecurities with. For me, I have one great friend in particular (yeah – you know who you are and *MWAHHHH*) who was a godsend because my head would spin off into these ‘ahhh it’s not gonna work’ ‘I can see the heartbreak’ ‘What am I doing?’ tangents and she would very calmly and very lovingly bring me back to earth and encourage me and remind me to be myself because that was the person my partner was in love with. So that’s a great support to have around you too.

Good luck and apologies for such a long answer :)

 

[PTSDT]

After I divorced my first abusive husband, I came across a little story that helped me a lot. Two tear drops cross each other's path. One tear drop asks the other where it is coming from. The tear drop answers: "I am the tear of a woman who lost her man to another." Then, the first tear drop asks the second tear drop, where it is coming from. The second tear drop answers: "I am the tear of the woman who got him." This really helped me at the time. It still does help me to see the big picture in situations where someone is mean. I am 50 and I have had some very hard times...in relationships...and not in relationships. But this little parable reminds me that someone who is not nice with mean intentions designed to make someone cry will always be someone with mean intentions to make the next person cry. I just joined this forum last night. I have already been helped more than I thought possible. I am in prolonged exposure therapy and it is very difficult...more difficult than I imagined. I have surfed around hi here a little. I took the self esteem test and the articles I read helped me immensely. I am looking forward to reading more, a little at a time so I do not become overwhelmed. But, just what little I have read so far is making me feel I can be OK. Maybe not ever well. Maybe not the old me. But a new me who is beautiful from the inside out because I have suffered and I am facing it.

 

[Sethe]

Melissas74:

I agree with some of the earlier comments, especially the one calling your ex a 'putz.' I'd probably say, 'schmuck', but hey (just teasin').

Anyone, male or female, who enjoys hurting another person is sick. It sounds like your ex enjoyed your pain and I'm very sorry you had that experience.

I had an abusive ex- a big, fat narcissist. At the time, when he left me, I thought I would die (and I think he knew it and I think he enjoyed it). Now, I see it as a blessing in disguise (and I wonder what the other woman is going through- I feel a little sorry for her because I'm not so sure she knows what she's getting into).

It took a lot of work, but I can see now that I am MUCH better off. The experience (and others) has made relationships tough for me.

Keep working on yourself. You are worth it!