Relationship With Abuser Who Has My Children

[Red Feather]

Hi,

I am in a predicament and I probably always will be. The father of my children was my abuser. Also my children live with him. This means I need to have regular contact with him. We need to talk at least once a week because I need to see my children on a regular basis.

After 5-6 years of this constant retriggering, my nerves are starting to fail. Because I have been in a non-stop crisis since I finished school this July, everything has changed, and I am now diagnosed with PTSD. I have the impression the trauma is very complex, and also deals with recent stress and anxiety which is due to retraumatization (being homeless, separated from my children, no food, no money).

He is newly married and has a new son. When his son was born, I noticed a shift which was welcoming. I felt less attacked by him. We had been doing councelling, so as to discuss everything that needed to be settled about the children. When we would meet etc.

What is odd, is that I am really inable to speak to this man in person except when we are at the mediators. When I see him, I turn very cold and distant. It is very unnerving to shake his hand (which germans always want to do :tdown:)

However I am able to speak to him on the telephone. It is like I am speaking to another person. Sometimes I want to make friends with him again, because the constant fighting is hard for all of us. We have made several attempts. Now that I have been diagnosed with PTSD, he has been "supportive."

Recently, I wrote him a text message and told him that I miss the children terribly. This is because we have not been able to set a regular plan, largely due to the fact that I did not even know how I was going to pay my rent or buy food, let alone arrange for the children's travels to Berlin.

My ex called me and offered to arrange the trip and even pay for it, for this weekend. I accepted this because I really want and need to see my children. Unfortunately, this all backed fired on me after my ex changed his mind when he talked to his T. I had a HUGE argument with him on the telephone, and was triggered really badly. The last time I was triggered by a telephone argument with him, I couldn't talk to him for months afterwards.

I am now considering calling him again and explaining to him what had happened, so this does NOT happen again. That because I made myself "vulnerable" he saw it as a chance to "help" me. However my impression is whenever he wants "to help" he ALWAYS ends up "hurting" me.

I thought I should explain this to him, so that he can become aware of this mechansim and we can stop falling into these terrible patterns from our past. But before I do this, I'd be really grateful for support and advice on this forum.

Yesterday I got so mad at him on the phone for changing the plans, that I totally lost contact with myself and went into a real dark place, was paralaysed all day and dissociated right out of my body again. I just need to find other ways of dealing with him. It really is trying on my spirit.

 

[Red Feather]

Just an added note. The argument was not because he was not willing to pay. This was one reason, but he also had been concerned for my son. My son seems to be also showing some signs of trauma due to the initial separation. (which also caused my PTSD) This pains me greatly but I accepted his reasoning. But then hoped that at least my daughter would be able to come this weekend and as I was willing to pay so that she could, did not see any reason for him to decline this.

 

[Chondra]

I thought I should explain this to him, so that he can become aware of this mechansim and we can stop falling into these terrible patterns from our past.

My gut says no. So my advice is no. But I rarely listen to my own advice and my gut just may be a severe case of indigestion :p

I just do not trust him to do the right thing. My indigestion gets worse. I think he was and is a very abusive person. I think he already knows this mechanism and your past patterns very, very well.

Your children need their mom, probably more than they need their Dad. And I think he knows this. I think he also knows that you love those children at least as much as he does, probably a lot more given the way he is acting.

At least, that is what my gut is saying.:cautious:

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

(((((Nadia)))))

I'm so sad for you right now I can see that you're in a lot of pain. :(

I went through all of this type of heart ache with my ex and my son, ie. visitations, communication night mares, the whole thing. As a mother these types of matters can rip your heart out.

I remember being in the same situation, homeless, no money etc.. I was forced to leave my son with his dad even though I didn't want to. It tore my heart out. But I had no choice.

It may be possible that he intentionally lied to you , just to mess with you, then blamed it on his T. You are very vulnerable right now, he knows it and most likely will try to use it against you.

I can suggest trying to remain calm, cool and collected, for the children's sake and yours. And I would try to develop a "friendship" like relationship with him, to get him more agreeable. However, be very very cautious and don't fool yourself believing it's something it's not. Call him only at appropriate times.

He has went on with his life and it sounds like he is trying to fulfill his responsibilities toward his children, however, you are not a priority to him.

I would start keeping all your own medical problems and private information, private. Don't give him any ammunition to use against you. Including bad, immature, or irrational behavior.

If you could try to look at this a little less emotional it may help you.

You didn't say that he was trying to take your kids away, so it could be a lot worse. I would just try to make sure your kids are safe. If they are, at this point things are fixable.

Show him a stable person who is putting her life back together, be calm and cooperative. Then get a plan together, and start rebuilding your life.

Who knows you might meet Mr. Wonderful in a few months, things could be way different. If so, you will have laid the foundation to have all legal rights to your children on a regular basis plus have an amicable relationship with your ex. Life will be back to normal somewhat. That's a very possible future for you.

After things are settled with the arrangements for the kids, hopefully your contact with him will be considerably minimized. You are probably going through the worst of it right now.

Better days ahead.

Regards, Solo

 

[Red Feather]

I just do not trust him to do the right thing. My indigestion gets worse. I think he was and is a very abusive person. I think he already knows this mechanism and your past patterns very, very well.

I thought somehow I could start trusting him again. But now I realize that it was a real big mistake. I think it's terrible that I still have these codependant patterns in me, and I think that this episode was a big sign saying watch out. He IS abusive towards me. It is engrained in his brain cells, just as it engrained in my brain cells to be needy and want to depend on help.

Your children need their mom, probably more than they need their Dad. And I think he knows this. I think he also knows that you love those children at least as much as he does, probably a lot more given the way he is acting. At least, that is what my gut is saying.:cautious:

Thanks Chondra, it makes me feel so powerless. I know this feeling. Everytime... I mean EVERY time I disagreed with him on something, we would have a fight and he would ALWAYS win. This was just another example. I do not know how to stand up to him because it just triggers me.

 

[Red Feather]

I went through all of this type of heart ache with my ex and my son, ie. visitations, communication night mares, the whole thing. As a mother these types of matters can rip your heart out.

I remember being in the same situation, homeless, no money etc.. I was forced to leave my son with his dad even though I didn't want to. It tore my heart out. But I had no choice.

This is what happened to me and among other events, is the one that is most traumatic for me and changed my whole life and sense of stability. ((((FlyingSolo))))

It may be possible that he intentionally lied to you , just to mess with you, then blamed it on his T. You are very vulnerable right now, he knows it and most likely will try to use it against you.

I dont think he was lying. I think he just gets attracted to me when I am not well. He likes it when I am not well, it get's his macho juices flowing. So him knowing that I was just in the hospital and having the biggest crisis in my life, that makes him think he has to save the day and come to rescue.

I can suggest trying to remain calm, cool and collected, for the children's sake and yours. And I would try to develop a "friendship" like relationship with him, to get him more agreeable. However, be very very cautious and don't fool yourself believing it's something it's not. Call him only at appropriate times.

He has went on with his life and it sounds like he is trying to fulfill his responsibilities toward his children, however, you are not a priority to him.

I would start keeping all your own medical problems and private information, private. Don't give him any ammunition to use against you. Including bad, immature, or irrational behavior.

I have gone through this so often already. I am so sick of having anything to do with this man. I really wish for the day I do not have to have anything to do with him anymore. Thank you for the advice, this is actually exactly how I should behave to him. I have already been trained in doing this. It just takes nerves and a lot of patience.

Who knows you might meet Mr. Wonderful in a few months, things could be way different. If so, you will have laid the foundation to have all legal rights to your children on a regular basis plus have an amicable relationship with your ex. Life will be back to normal somewhat. That's a very possible future for you.

Thanks Flying Solo ((((hugs)))). I do not know about meeting Mr. Wonderful... LOL!

But I do hope that a stable procedure can get initialized soon. Hopefully this crisis state can soon come to an end. We all are quite weary of it. I think it is probably best if we see the mediator soon. I couldn't make it last time I was having such a hard time. But maybe it will be possible again.

 

[Red Feather]

I wrote him another E-mail yesterday with the letter which was posted by Anna on the supporters section, describing what PTSD is. I wrote to him and apologized for yelling so loud at him, but also that what he had said to me was hurtful and not convincing. And that I had a right to see my children regularly.

I asked him to make an appointment for us with the mediator, so we can talk about it and how the children are doing. Having PTSD should explain a lot of things to him and to my children. And I have to get a chance to talk to them about it, so they know that it is manageable and I am finding ways to heal and move through it.

 

[piratelady]

Hi Nadia, I agree with what everyone has said. I would keep as much information about your struggle to yourself as possible. Sometimes people seem like they care, like they sympathize with your circumstances. However, they eventually use it to hurt you - which you are vulnerable to. I just feel like the more ammunition you give him, the more he can use it to manipulate you.

Keep in mind, I am certainly not unbiased, and this could just be my own PTSD talking. My gut says to proceed with caution and not tell him anymore than he really needs to know. It is good that you gave him the information about PTSD, that will help to explain a lot. But I would keep anything about how you are doing to yourself.

Just my opinion. Let me know how everything goes :)