Relationship With Beloved Child Who Condones Abuser

[mamachick]

You start out with making a statement to the police. If they feel there is a case they proceed. One of my friends got a conviction twenty years after the incident.

I can identify with Glorias position on calling the police for anything. We have both experienced very adverse effects due to police officers. Specifically, an officer likely caused my ptsd. After being kept up all night my my boyfriend who wanted to argue about his feeling insecure and wanting to be coddled, I asked him to leave. He had belongings at my home which he collected and had by the back door. He wanted to go back upstairs to my room and I said NO. He called the police. They came. The called the call a "domestic". At this point, bf and I agreed nobody had become physical or loud. My 20 yr daughter had been sleeping and I awoke her as police were coming. I told officer I wanted bf to leave. (he was a visitor, his address on license in another city, does not receive mail here etc, or pay rent or bills) yet officer said I had to allow him in my room. I said that if he told me what he forgot, I would go get it, but would not give permission, and would not attempt to stop it police allowed.

I said that I thought I was within my 4th amendment rights. The officer got pissed and assaulted me. He said he was going to arrest me and forcefully but both arms far behind me and carried me down steps head first bangin my head. Shoved me head first in car, slammed head into hard suface, and kicked me in back. Although I was post monopause, I began severe vaginal bleeding. He took me to hospital and for the next 2 hours verbally assaulted me. He made horrible threats. My duaughter had the good sense (I have been an advocate for others, everybody knows I am extremely peaceful) to call our family friend, the prosecutor at home. He ordered the officer to bring me to magistrate court and not jail. That is where he paraded me around with my breast and bum showing to all the criminals and all the people I had worked with. That is where my daughter picked me up. I had a concussion, a arm in sling, and was put on much medication. I cracked. I had nightmares and took more xanax in my sleep. I overdosed and ended in the hospital. Months later, still with severe symptoms, I attempted suicide.

All charges were dismissed and expunged. I am currently in physical therapy for my right arm and have lost hafl of use in right hand. This cop assaults someone every december for past 5 years. Two of his co workers have raped women and one has been sentenced and the other is on trial. This is a dirty town and will not change. If someone breaks in my house and rapes me today-I will not call the police. They will have to kill me as I have nothing to loose.

I currently know of things that should be reported. I will not do it. I am a non violent person and will not subject myself to such attacks. Further, when the police take a report, they just want a story. When I was drug off and my daughter was left in the house with bf, he robbed my jewelry box-the police have the report and have done nothing. He later kidnapped me and took me to MD where he was arrested with 3 guns and 2 knives. I didnt call the cops, the hotel clerk did. It cost me 3K to fly home and pay a lawyer to attend hearing on my behalf as I did not want to see him.

Cops are not all good. I would not call them on my duaghter (son if I had one) because she does not deserve to be raped and sodomized for family and anger issues.
Cops here do not like people that know their rights, and they will show you that you have none. They are right, because the magistrates that hear the cases are former cops at best. They do not even have to take a competency tests and some are nothing but drunks. That being said-I think it is obvious that the law is not here for justice. Justice is karma, just as my rapist is dying, Im sure that cop will bring about his own suffering-hopefully long and painful. He is the one and only person in this world that I hate, and that I do not know how to get out of my system when that is what my nightmares are about.

 

[Abrasky]

I have in support groups for 25 years. The implication that I am not working on myself makes me laugh.

who said that? I'm a bit lost not sure what you are talking about. I was talking about your son. Your post was about him and not you wasn't it? I didn't talk about anyone "not working on themselves" either.:)

 

[AngelaMarie]

I am glad you are doing well, Gloria!!

 

[intothelight]

You made statements that "you need to get yourself together".

No post that I wrote on this thread contains that statement. I did go back and check as I try very hard to make things very generalized. Not only did you personalize what I wrote, but then you proceeded to make a false statement.

People may have found what I stated "harsh", but I still stand by what I believe. I do not have a problem with a direct question or open discussion; but please refrain from personalizing what I write or misquoting me.

Thank you.

 

[Srain]

I have read through this thread and what troubles me is the turn it took from people being able to speak their truths to it being seen as being a bad thing. Calling the police for help, getting feedback that isn't wanting to be heard, and in disagreement being seen as getting on a soapbox or being judgmental.

I grew up in a family where things were happening and nobody wanted to get involved, my mother "suffered" on her own through it even though there was help available. I'm the result of that. I found myself in similar situations and I didn't know what to do because when I did reach out the nut came at me harder until finally someone did give me some reality, reminding me that in situations like this women die! It's NEVER okay for physical violence to happen, especially in the family. ever!

This is not a private diary and I'm not arguing with anyone just stating my feelings about domestic violence. If someone comes on this sight who has a history of being beaten or violated I would like them to know there are NO excuses for it, it's wrong! I don't care if it's your wife, husband, father, mother, sister, brother, son, or daughter. Love is not a punch in the face, that's assault. If there is something mentally going on then they need professional help, but it's still violence, and it is NOT okay.

Putting the thread up was important, it takes a lot to do that, and by doing so the door is open and out comes the reality of domestic violence. Boundaries are crucial or you run the someone will be severely injured or killed, it's a reality. I know all about the the drunk that gets "a little violent", mine covered me with bruises until I was unrecognizable. If the theme here is a little is okay, then I'm going to have to say that's nonsense! Or is it okay because there's "understanding? Again, classic battered person's syndrome. The truth is it is NEVER okay.

Okay, I'm climbing down off my soap box, the one he beat me with, and my hopes are that along with comforting those here get just a little afraid at the thought of what might happen next time and think of alternatives to that outcome.

 

[mamachick]

I was trying to look back at the posts that preceeded such hard feelings. I could not find them. I do recall the violent incident, and a response that abuse is never ok.

I do not think the response was meant to be malicious or controlling. I think that it was stated as concern for injury, if not this time, the next may escalate.

I know as a mother, one of the hardest things to do is not support our kids, no matter what they do. Yet there is such a thing as natural consequences. How we chose to handle it is up to each of us. With everything that happens, humans are learning constantly. If I can get away with shoving mom, later-I will shove my spouse, later, my kids, etc. The more I control, the more control I will want and need to maintain my world. It is human behavior.

That being said, a person may give a warning under some circumstances and if it is an isolated incident. It may come with a demand that you will go to counseling for this issue, and if this ever, ever happens again, I will call the police and will not drop charges. If the assaulter understands their behavior is wrong, they will cooperate. If not, it will happen again. Then the person does have to follow through with their plan.

I facilitated a group for abusers. Its not magic unfortunately. Some refer to it as anger management and it is not anger management. There is a component of anger management in the 36 week program. Abusers get angry, everybody does. When angry, they do no assault their teacher, their boss, the neighbor, the store clerk, etc. They manage their anger just fine with those people, it is someone at home that suffers their wrath. Many never get help because the do not use physical abuse, that is because they are successful at power and control with their words and threats and by instilling fear. Only when the words do not work is it necessary to escalate to physical violence.

The programs used are often "canned" and little is addressed to dispute the individuals beliefs. I am still in favor of the programs-thats often all we have currently. As far as family counseling for such matters, its often hard to identify verbal abuse, but once a physical attack occurs, the magnitude of the picture is much more evident. After an incident like this, there is little ability to deny the anger the identified patient has.

When I did the groups about 10 years ago, there were only a handful per year that were not intimate partners, that were siblings or child/parent. I think that is not because it does not happen often. I believe that it is less reported due to the nature of the relationship. If I throw my husband in jail for hitting me, my family will surely stand beside me (parents, siblings, etc) If I have my brother thrown in jail for hitting me, who will other siblings and parents stand up for? There will surely be a division. Also, I think there are beliefs that "MY child or sibling would never go too far, etc" and excuses are made often by parents when it comes to sibling assaults. Further, I think the number are only going up because kids are going back home to live after college more often due in part to the economy. Now we have adults in their mid to upper twenties, add alcohol, and I personally know of a couple that happened this year with this scenario.

 

[ms spock]

Hello Gloria,

I don't know who you are referring to when you write that "the suggestion that you are not working on yourself makes you laugh."

I don't know what you are typing about when you say people are telling you how to live your life - people made suggestions out of concern and fear for your safety and the safety of your offspring and the long term consequences to current events.

I did write that I accept that legal action is not for everyone.

I literally did put my head down and cry when I read about your cracked teeth - that is a lot of force. In my opinion cracking someone's teeth is not within the norm of a family that is "able to express its feelings and opinions."

It seems you need to put down and minimise other people's concerns and opinions when they don't see eye to eye with your rendering of reality. The inability to even look at what people are saying to you, shows a concerning amount of emotional investment in the way you are choosing to see things.

I am also an animal rehabber and know full well how to use positive reinforcement. I have rehomed many, many birds that would have otherwise been euthanased or spent their days in cages. Positive reinforcement doesn't mean allowing other people to abuse you.

I am also not happy about being quoted out of context.
I wrote:

I don't get it! So if we know our rapists it somehow is not so bad? So we just have to put up and shut up and be abused and retraumatised again?

Crazy talk, say I Crazy TALK!

And you quoted

Crazy talk, say I Crazy TALK!

Then you wrote after quoting me:

I think the only crazy talk is how this thread has totally become a soap box.
Hugs,
Gloria

This is rather inaccurate quotation of my words. You can choose to see things how you want to see them. But please don't quote me out of context and in a way that sets up another context that implies that what I am saying is that what you are saying is crazy talk. You full well know that I was saying crazy talk in relation of the expectation of women being expected to sit down to a meal with their rapist. If you didn't like what I wrote or what I said, then you can address that to me directly rather than taking a cheap shot about how this thread has totally become a soap box. This is minimising and disrespecting the original context of my comments. At the time I made these comments you liked that comment.

I also find the way you can morph reality to decide that you didn't hurt your dog when you kicked her disturbing. This seems to me that you are shifting the reality to suit your reality as you want it at that time.

I don't think letting battered women choose to monitor and assess how dangerous a situations is always appropriate - in Australia that translates in to 63% of homicides occuring in the first six months that a woman leaves a man.

I am allowed to have my own opinions. You can either ignore them or comment on them - but the cheap shot of the "Crazy talk" along side the "Soap box" comment is unworthy of you.

I understand if you found many of the comments in this thread challenging. I feel (rightly or wrongly) that I have lived in the level of denial you are living in and I do understand. I may be wrong and I may be right or I may even have landed somewhere in the middle or out of the sphere entirely. I deserve respect though. Twisting things around and misquoting is not fair minded in my opinon.

It is a sad that you brush away other people's concern and care for you. It is a shame that you are not open to other people's ideas or suggestions, even to the point of saying "Thanks for caring!" It is a loss for us all when than rather than saying "Thanks for the suggestion or expression of concern, but this advice/suggestion/insight is not for me!" you seem to have chosen (from my point of view) to to ridicule and misquote people.

For someone who is so in to dialogue, discussion and understanding, it seems to me that you shut it down quickly, if it isn't to your liking or challenges some of your world views.

I am not going to engage if my opinion doesn't get basic respect. My internet time is limited and I am not going to put my self out there to be ridiculed, disrespected, misquoted and patronised and dismissed without acknowledgement. I wish you the best, but that is enough for me from you.

 

[Gloria]

After raising four children and living for thirty years under the reality and threats of daily domestic violence, what I am going to write here may not be popular or particularly pleasing.

I will tell you my experience. As a teenager with no money, no family and no education, I was assaulted by my first husband while holding my oldest son who was only a few months old. No one would help me - not the police (because my ex was related to Mayor Daley) and not my family. I sold some stuff, bought a junk old car and escaped to another state. So when I get "advice" from people who have stayed in marriages that were abusive, I feel very sorry for you but the maternal instinct that I have made me leave many men and many marriages because nobody will beat me in front of my kids and nobody even speaks abusively to me kids. I am a fighter more than you know. I try not to cause any problems and ignore most things because I feel sorry for people. But I am taking advice from some one that didn't have the guts to do what I did. I am extremely offendefensive of the people on this forum who have PTSD or other mental illnesses or anyone (which is every single one of us) that can lose their temper every once in a while.

Gloria, you have been a good mother. Perhaps you feel guilt for what your kids went through. I know I do and blame myself. But it is not reason to allow your sons to treat you this way. After all you are caring for your son now that he is disabled and he should be grateful to you and not treat you this way. It is disgusting, no matter how you look at it. You really need to tell him that you won't tolerate that sort of behaviour again.

Loloma,
I know that being in an abusive marriage is traumatic. I have been traumatized by men but I've been more times that most people on this forum. There is a pattern that abusive men have. Abusive men are extremely charming before you marry them. Abusive men will act so nice to you in public that no one will believe that they are abusing you. Abusive men can be very successful and charming and famous. But behind closed doors, they change. I have had marriages lasting less than two weeks because I was a Christian and my children went to Christian schools and I would get thrown out of my church if I lived with a man. So I didn't know, got married and got out of there immediately when I saw abuse. Just an update on my son. He came to visit me and held my hand in the hospital and we are going on vacation together. He is changing things (mostly just hygiene stuff that is unacceptable to me) and he went to therapy immediately when I asked him. I asked my friend who is a lawyer what abuse is and he said it has to be intentional. Now I have had Viet Nam vets throw me against the wall when they were in the throws of a PTSD flashback. Would I ever in my most horrible moment call the police on them? No! I called the Veterans Administration hotline just like I did with my son. I have this heart condition and I'm not supposed to get upset so I'm not going to let people know my situation get on a soap box and tell me what a better person they are and how they know so much better than I do. I never give unsolicited advice and I never give advice unless I have gotten all the facts by talking to people.

Loloma,
If you need to talk. I'm on Skype. I talk to people in Europe all the time! It's fun!
Hugs,
Gloria

 

[Nicolette]

This thread is closed until further notice.

 

[anthony]

This thread can stay closed, it has run its course.

Gloria, you need to pay more attention to quoting, because you are mixing quotes from multiple members together, posting them as being said by one member alone, then responding to it... which is deceptive within itself when a member did not state such, yet you are quoting another members content within theirs.

There is a comprehensive help section available that outlines forum usage, quoting being one part under the editor title: [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/pages/help-editor/[/DLMURL] and [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/pages/help-editor-bbcode/[/DLMURL]