Relationship with your therapist

[barefoot]

I’ll choose whether I want to share something so there is sometimes some censorship in the content I put out there. But, if I choose to share something, I don’t censor how I share it.
We laugh a lot and have a lot of banter. And I swear a lot. And she swears too.
I assume that, although she has her preferred style, she flexes that to fit whichever client she’s with. So, with me, I think she takes my lead and mirrors my communication style, which means banter and swearing. I’m sure she has other clients who she doesn’t swear with because they don’t swear with her.

The joking and banter can be a bit of a positive and a negative, I think. I mostly see it as a way of building relationship with her. Sometimes though, I think I get into humourous story telling and banter as a way to avoid what I really feel I should be talking about and working on. And sometimes I think the banter can feel like I’m using it to create intimacy (something I find very difficult) but, in actual fact, I think it actually keeps her “over there” because it stops me from going to more difficult feelings and deeper emotional connection.
So, it can help...and it can also get in the way sometimes. I guess this is a long way of saying that the fun banter and humour can be fun and feel good but I think it is sometimes a defence mechanism, which blocks more true emotional intimacy.

My friend shared that as she believes I must 'throw my therapist off' with the things I say

I think your friend - as a trainee - is thinking about what might throw her off from a client at this stage in her professional development. That isn’t necessarily a reflection of how your therapist feels about how you are in relationship with her. So, I wouldn’t worry about your friend’s comment at all, if I were you.

 

[Deleted member 44517]

I am very open about everything with my t. If she flusters me, I may jokingly tell her off. I swear a lot some days and not at all others. If I felt I couldn't be free to express myself about how our conversations effects me, I don't think I would bother with therapy at all.

 

[Sideways]

I think clients communicating in different ways is probably part of the job.

Me personally I’m probably in the ‘rigid’ category. I spend 45 mins a week with her, and fork out more money than I can afford for that time. We aren’t friends, I don’t want to know about her life. I go in with something particular in mind to discuss and the 45 minutes is usually fairly intense discussion from start to finish.

I had a previous T who blurred the lines when it came to being a professional and being a friend, and after 4 years it ended badly for both of us. She’s a professional, so I speak to her like one. Works for me, wouldn’t work for others.

People communicate in all different ways, and there is no ‘right’ way to go about it. I think it’s far more important whether your communication style is effective. So long as it isn’t disrespectful? If you communicating effectively, then you’re doing it right:)

 

[Freida]

Once we got trust (yea - that was a long process!) I pretty much say whatever pops into my head. I wasn't born with much of a filter, so once I decide to talk it comes out as it comes out. I would be hellish for a brand new person to try to deal with. Luckily mine is experienced in trauma. We don't have relationships as friends. We have relationships as in "ok - here is a puzzle and we are all working on solving it and it's ok to have some fun along the way"

I will say she is manipulative! I don't know how many times I have said no to an idea and a week or so later realize I'm doing it. she has learned how to twist me around to agreeing with whatever thing she is throwing me even if I don't think I want to. So far it has worked out fine - she doesn't use it unless it is something she think I can handle.

 

[Kopykat]

@Stephernovas my relationship w my therapist sounds similar to yours. I’ve been w her for 5 years. But i would say the first 3 or so I’m not sure I trusted her. I still have trust issues that pop up, not because of her, just stuff that happened before. We can joke around and I would say I am starting to learn to be more assertive and honest in the moment w her whereas I’m not like that w other people. And I do say things I don’t tell others. We have had boundary issues come up and have had to work through which is frustrating. And I get frustrated when I feel she makes unilateral decisions. I would say I am more myself w my therapist than anyone else. And I’m still trying to figure out who the hell I am so it’s challenging. I don’t think there’s anything wrong w your relationship so long as at works for you and your therapist.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

My therapist is very good and I try to view her as a professional mentor, not a friend. The very first time I spoke to her was over the phone to schedule, I broke down crying because I felt abandoned by my first T. She gave me empathy, in a kind voice. I hold onto that, trust is hard for me and that was something she has tried to establish from the start.

I have felt weak contacting her via email or phone between sessions before. She never makes me feel bad about it. She answers in her own time. I have told her that she doesn't need to reply, but she usually does. She recently told me that she will be out between Christmas and New Years, but she will be checking her messages. (Last time she was out, I made a point not to bother her, but in some ways it made me worse). I think she was trying to assure me to contact her if I need to. I like that she can read me really well and guide me in a way that I think it was my idea. She is especially good at that.

 

[hymnless]

I know everyone is a little different on this, but personally I need my therapist to be pretty easy going and open. I work in a very rigid environment and I struggle to build trust in general, so I need something that is totally opposite. I’ve seen therapists that were all business and while they were good, they just weren’t right for me. I tell my therapist that I hate her or to f*ck off all the time. It’s almost always in jest to make myself less uncomfortable with a situation. In turn, if I start to really shut down she will say something funny to lighten things up and get me out of my head (she once asked if she was having a good hair day when I was totally shut down and couldn’t make eye contact- it worked.) I’d agree with most of the other posts on here that the longer someone has been practicing, the more they are willing to adapt to what works for you to be able to connect and build trust.

 

[thatunistudent]

Hi

I'm a psych student , someone who works with complex cases and also someone who has PTSD and spent a lot of time in therapy.

So, I can see both sides to an extent. With what your friend has said , I think the problem ( this includes myself) with starting out student psychs , we have spent so much time learning the how to of therapy , the different types of clients , the different ways to engage with clients etc , but the thing is when you get to actually work with clients it's so different then what we have spent so much time learning ( it's not to say what we have learnt is wrong ) , when we're starting out it's so scary and we are terrified of doing something wrong so we stick to what we have been taught. With seasoned psychologists it's different , they have found their rhythm , their niche, they aren't as scared and are more confident in their abilities , they are able to engage in those textbook skills and alter them and so what might be a difficult client for a newbie would be different for a seasoned therapist.