Is it possible to keep a journal? Is it possible to let your T read it? I'm not sure if this would help or not, but maybe? Or sending an email from you without the alter getting involved? I'm sorry if this seems dumb, I'm not completely sure how you're experiencing this. But I'm listening!
Alters definitely get involved. They do things and then come out and tell me much, much later when that alter feels "safe" to do so.
One of them keeps trying to break up my relationships. Also, I just found out that one has been in love with a man for about ten years and had a long time romance with him, without my knowledge.
While I believe her that he is an angel in human form, such that, she really did nothing wrong per se, except my other alter didn't know anything about it, can you imagine the shock of finding this out a decade later?
The shock seems to not wear off. I'm getting bits and pieces of the alter's story. She has all the main trauma (father & torture & rape from a small child), PTSD, and Dissociation (Derealization). When she fronts, she has to ground. She has to lock eyes with whomever she's trying to stay out for to feel the intensity of their gaze in order to know this is real. I call her M. on the forum, short for her name.
She is heartbroken, to say the least. Long story short. I believe that each alter could, in this life, potentially be found by its soulmate. In this case, the story is so intense it's hard to even believe. I've (main worker) been trying to piece the truth of her experience together with her. It's been very hard because she has been in such pain that she has dissociated most memory, which is scrambled.
I've contacted the man, and aside from one email, he won't reply. At first, I just wanted some information, but in DID, there's always mixed feelings and motives.
Just yesterday, I found out from another (3rd) alter that it was her that was breaking his heart in order to mess it up. She was jealous of me and M. for having love, and she was stuck inside, so she thought.
If it sounds crazy, that's DID. Why couldn't M. share her love affair with us? Well, for one thing, she has the thickest amnesic walls due to the torture she endured that the rest of us couldn't handle. She has the dissociation so I could function in school. I was in gifted and went on with full merit scholarship to Uni and earned two degrees, becoming adjunct professor and administrator in a small community college in my town. I wrote a book for my Master's thesis. Since then, though, whenever an alter gets creative in writing, some other drama happens. In this case, the search for this man and his meaning to an insider has been my life mission for some time. However, I tried to do this covertly so as not to upset my H.
FInally, it became overwhelming and I confessed to him how obsessed I (main worker ANP) have become. I feel ashamed of that. I am monogamous and deeply loyal and in love with only one person. So much so, in fact, I have been with my H since I was 17. However, even with him, insiders came out and broke up with him periodically during times of stress; we have taken a long time to figure out what is going on inside my head. So is M. Problem for her is that her love felt hurt and rejected (I'm thinking) and had enough. I suspect he must have known, too, that there was more going on than met the eye. But when the heart is hurt, it won't always listen to the head's musings about what is going on.
He knew M. loved him more than her own life. She is no longer what I would call "alive." She's been mourning and nothing else since it ended, causing a lot of pain and confusion in my system.
To be honest, I am not sure how to live like this. She is just now, years later after their breakup, coming to front to talk to my H and letting me hear. I cannot remember all that she thinks when she's talking, and her thoughts are scattered. But I hear and remember most of what she says, for a while. Then, it gets fuzzy.
DID that I have is very rare. I can sometimes ask one to front, and sometimes that one will. My H. can call an alter out, but sometimes they can't or won't come due to him doing it in the wrong order, with someone else in the way. Or sometimes the one with the most problem that needs solving has to front, whether I like it or not.
While I'm learning to manage having DID and a busy life, and having three alters, two of whom are deep in love with my H. (others are befriending him now in order to work with him for M's sake). M is beyond crazy about her love, who is far and away.
This is in some ways an impossible situation.
I tried to find a T for massive and majorly crazy DID like this. No luck in my area. Not giving up hope though.
According to M. "Love is bigger than the choices of one alter." This could mean the alter that chose to F***up her relationship by interfering and intercepting her Skype messages to him. Perhaps M. thinks that the actions of one alter in us, either that little gremlin, or M. herself, will NOT decide the ultimate fate of true love. However, I personally feel that true love is like a fire. It is powerful, passionate, all-consuming, volatile, destructive, illuminating, and yet, can be snuffed out. Then, for the rest of the life, there is just the embers or ghostly smoke to remind us of what once burned and is now dark diamonds of the past warmth and heat.
When M's pain is too intense, the body gets very sick. I nearly gave up last year with two months of the flu and pneumonia. I decided I was ready to die. I refused to go to the hospital. I was not afraid of death. M. is a very intense woman. So is the one who interfered.
Sometimes having DID is so confusing and emotional a journey that I just have nothing to say to anyone and feel so very and desperately alone.
