Relationships For Those No Longer Very Inclined To Rage Or Anger

[Tinyflame]

Where do we fit in relationships? Do we fit at all? Do we get crushed? Are we no longer able to withstand the demands & disapproval or anger of others after years of ptsd? Are we just too overstimulated and over-stressed to be a worthwhile partner or an equal or respected 'other'?

I'd like to say I have fight left but no longer.

I suspect this is what I feel, or reading posts what I wonder. If what we mean by too damaged or too broken means too raw or now too sensitive or too vulnerable?

 

[Queen Boudica]

At this moment, I think is it broken or never ever had a chance of being fully formed in the first place? Yes, sensitive, vulnerable and lost. Just no idea. I just can't see how I can fit in at all. I never have. Maybe fleeting moments but nothing long term. Not too stressed, not overstimulated, understimulated, not enough love and real relationships in childhood, so never ever feel right, always wrong and horrible and awkward and scared. Just wrong, how can you have relationships when you feel so wrong inside yourself?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Relationships are tricky. With or without everything else PTSD brings along to the relationships. Are all relationships doomed because of PTSD? No, I don't think so. But I think it's a lot of work to find the people who can accept you as you are. You shouldn't have to deal with rage in a relationship. Anger and hurt are natural, but rage is something that would signal to me that the relationship isn't worth it.

I am married. There are many times I have told my husband he is better off without me, that I should leave. There are equally as many times if not more, that he has responded by telling me that that isn't true. That he loves me and is going to stand by me no matter what. We've been through a lot in the last 3 years, but with a lot of work on both our parts, we're getting stronger and closer as a couple. But I don't live in a fairy tale world, and I don't believe all relationships work like that.

In terms of relationships with people like co-workers and friends, I have a harder time. It's just so hard. When I become friends with someone who also has PTSD or DID, I am so relieved to find someone who understands, but it's also tricky to navigate, but sometimes well worth it. And in other parts of my life I have do feel wrong and unwanted. Like I am a freak standing out among all of the others, but I haven't given up completely, I am just choosing more carefully.

 

[digger]

I don't believe there is any hope for me being in a relationship again. I don't even manage to maintain friendships. Anything beyond that is beyond me. I think all the therapy in the world won't change that. I think I'm better to work on just accepting that really, than hold out hope anymore that it's ever going to be something I can have or do.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you all for your candor. & honesty.

At this moment, I think is it broken or never ever had a chance of being fully formed in the first place? Yes, sensitive, vulnerable and lost. .. not enough love and real relationships in childhood, so never ever feel right, always wrong and horrible and awkward and scared..

I am married....but ..in other parts of my life I have do feel wrong and unwanted. Like I am a freak standing out among all of the others, but I haven't given up completely, I am just choosing more carefully.

I don't believe there is any hope for me being in a relationship again.. than hold out hope

It seems the feelings & perceptions we experience are so similar. I read a quote that said "It isn't possible to have a family without dreams. When you lose the capacity to dream you lose the capacity to love.. " I don't know if that is so. :(

Something I do think though, just my thoughts, but there's so much fear at each moment- beyond what it obviously affects, it prevents a push-back to these feelings of fear, hopelessness, etc. Without pushing back (even small steps, which requires overcoming the fear), the fear in fact increases even more so.

@JEKBreatheandBelieve , did you get married before you were diagnosed?

 

[Tinyflame]

I should have explained, I'm not sure how others feel, but it has occurred to me that fear increases- even anticipatory fear of what could happen in scenarios (let alone catastrophizing or other cognitive distortions) for myself because I do not feel like I can handle it. Often, if we are not alone, a spouse, family will say, "we will handle it". Being alone, or with someone who does not have your back, & without greater financial resources etc, just feels like more fear. Probably contributes to the impending doom thoughts. But would probably lessen fear to not be alone. Or maybe increase the probability of being able to face fear.

Notwithstanding I don't think peace & passion are mutually exclusive, I feel very tired & it very trying to trust. It is a different universe to live in like this. I can't imagine anyone 'getting it', & without a fair amount of peace I don't know if I could deliver what they would expect either anymore.

I think the constant pressure of fear contributes to SI. Yet I can't stand too, looking & acting like a sad-sack. How boring. But in another way, the SI I guess is the exit plan, since for the most part it's an exit from nothing & nobody. Yet the catch-22 is perhaps the impossibility of bearing with relationships, or the impossibility of starting now.

I think it's so different a reality with ptsd than not, others can't begin to grasp it. Why we feel like freaks, frankly (much as I've applied the term to myself but wouldn't to others here, but I identify with it.) The trouble is, I figure if I were 'tougher', so to speak, things would bother me less, including normal arguments, troubles etc. But there's the present fear it triggers, then the future thoughts. Great to say "don't worry about it", but when you (I) can't handle what I've got the potential reality of more without resources is not bearable. But neither is being triggered to death by so many things that people have no issue with or long for. What a chasm of difference between their thoughts & my thoughts is all I can say.

 

[Tinyflame]

Just wanted to say, but couldn't PM privately (although I don't mind saying it publically as it is true).
From what I've seen many relationships do suffer quality over quantity.

And if nothing else, I do think our experiences, though they have ample negative effect have also raised our level of maturity & expectation of what we want/ don't want in our lives. And what even defines a relationship of value. And too how we value others, or take in to consideration their happiness & how things impact on them, versus simply what we need. Ironically I've been frequently told how different I am. Actually, it is true.

I appreciate your replies. I also know over the time I've come to know how wonderful you all are. Should you choose to stay out of relationships (not including lousy ones, of course) it would be a great loss (for the other person). I see/ hear nothing wrong with any of you: @Lizio, you are a great mom. :tup: @digger, everything you say in your diary professes to your beautiful heart & intellect. :notworthy: . @JEKBreatheandBelieve you are forging a new life, selective (rightfully so) in your choices as you said. Please do not be hard on yourselves. (I suspect we are all too hard on ourselves. After having a birthday I can't but help feel what a terrible cosmic joke it is that I exist. Lol. :eek: :rolleyes: Oh well. ) But I hope you can see a bit of you as I see you. :inlove:

I feel honored to know you. Happy 2016. :hug:

 

[Friday]

Now is not forever.

There are times when, damn straight, I am way too broken/ f*cked up/ selfish&self absorbed/ et cetera (long lost of etc.!) to even think about being in a relationship, much less be a good partner for anyone else. When I don't want me on my own team.

Doesn't mean it will always be this way. In fact, having it as a goal to become the kind of person I would want someone I love to have in their life? That's a damn good thing in and of itself.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Junebug - Yes, I did get married before I was diagnosed. My husband and I were married for 7 years before that and have survived 3 years after. Would things I have been different if I had known then what I know now, probably, but I didn't know and I think that helped allow me to enter into this relationship. I've always been a bit, shall we say odd, compared to others and had reactions that didn't quite fit the situation. But we've made it work and, yes, it's really rough sometimes, but my husband supports me so much that it's truly unbelievable. Sometimes I just want to run away from my family because I think they would be better off without my craziness among them, but it is what it is and for better or worse we're making it work.