Remembering Memories

[Abstract]

I do not fully trust

Gizmo,
Thank you. I wondered if you still felt that way and it seems you do. I was particularly astounded by you sharing that you had had flashback type experiences. I think it is horrific what they did to you and I am glad you are on your way to recovery now.


I keep in mind your advice about letting things come and not filling things in. I wish false memory was not possible as I would really benefit from a therapist leading me. I think I could reject or confirm. But because of this most good therapists won't.

we simply don't have "true memory",

Hi Hashi,
I know what you mean by this. We are influenced by perception amongst many other things. A simple example is that we could remember someone being enormous but just because we were a child and afraid. I think I am fine with this concept and most of the time it does not cause me too much trouble. I can look at it that I need to deal with how I feel or what I remember regardless. There won't be any court cases so that isn't relevant either. I have seen some of the research on this stuff to do with memory and it is a bit shocking how different people perceive the same event differently.

This whole topic is obviously difficult for me and so I have read all I can get my hands on.

I find it difficult to imagine

I find it astonishing. But unfortunately as I have said I have "met" a few people online who say they have had flashback/intrusive type experiences that were very convincing. Gizmo can correct me but I think she said that in retrospect they did have a slightly different feel but regardless her life fell apart as a result of quite extreme false memory (along the lines that one normally hears about). Others I know have been in well known court cases. I have also been exposed to two supporters online for something else who were both therapist and were very anti recovered memory so that did not help.

It has been such a relief to see people talk about recovered memories on this forum. I do have the type of reactions that you speak about (shaking etc) and at times I can believe myself. There is also an aspect of it that is a known fact in my family. But it does not help when I barely feel real myself most of the time.

 

[Abstract]

I don't think I even took in X consciously at the time.

Hashi,
I don't know if this helps or not but why on earth would you imagine it? Noone has suggested it to you and it is seems it has come to you all on its own. I think avoiding it when it happened can definitely potentially affect how accessible something is. There are things I know happened that are similar and yet some have been much more available to me.

I am so sorry this is so difficult and you are reacting like this. I hope you can do some grounding and self care.

I don't for one moment believe your therapist won't believe you. I hope you can manage to find some trust in yourself and your mind. The truth is that some very bazaar things happen in the world.

I also just wanted to add that I did not see your last post when I posted before this just in case you thought I had.

 

[Hashi]

Thanks, Abstract.

Noone has suggested it to you and it is seems it has come to you all on its own.

Ah... this is a big sticking point for me when it comes to doubting memories. Just think of all those books I've read, films I've seen, news stories I've heard about. This is what I say to myself when I'm doubting.

At the time I started therapy and started talking about one trauma, there was a big advertising campaign for public safety, warning people against something that was part of my trauma. Leaving aside being faced with this everywhere I went, I was so certain my therapist would think, hang on a minute... isn't this that advert? I was sure she'd think not only that I'd made it up, but that I was using what I'd seen on a billboard outside the therapy centre.

Thankfully, my therapist at the time was not so harsh or dismissive as I can be towards myself. My current therapist also believes me. When I go into disbelief again, my mind twists that around and I feel terrible that I've "lied" to her. I've tied myself up in knots over recovered memories, and in my case I have even more doubt because mine include events when I was an adult. I'd heard of repressed memories from childhood, but not from adulthood.

X isn't even a memory, so that's like a petri dish for my doubt to grow in. But this thread has helped me a lot. Thank you for your support, I appreciate it.

 

[Abstract]

Thankfully, my therapist at the time was not so harsh or dismissive as I can be towards myself.

I think very few people are. Sadly I have come across a few people who meant well but were. And it messed with my head. One of them was in treatment with a bunch of people who developed false memory and as result she has swung around with a vengeance.

I really sympathise and relate to a lot of what you say.

Just remember too that your therapist has a sense of who you are. Your tendency is to deny not to embellish. And reading something is not a good enough reason to embellish.

All the people I know who have had false memory have had therapists in the plural strongly suggest these things to them. Therapists have a powerful influence on us.

I also have something like you describe X where it is not even a memory. I think I get flashbacks related but there are no visuals. Wont say more in case it is triggering.

If you really struggle with this I have also heard that it doesn't matter how literally accurate the memory is and that you deserve to process the feelings around what you feel regardless. Maybe you could lead into it in T by discussing that concept.

 

[Hashi]

I think therapists suggesting/planting false memories is morally criminal. And I'm sorry you've had experience of people at the other side of that, who are in a backlash against recovered memories and seeing them as false when they may not be. It must make things extremely difficult, when belief and validation are so important.

 

[Rumors]

I too have memories that I question or would "like" to deny. The weird part is, some of them have been there in my memory and I knew they were there but it is like they didn't belong to me or that it was someone else's story. I walked past those memories daily and they didn't interrupt me until I started discussing the smaller things.

Then, like a deer in headlights, I am faced with a flood of memories I didn't remember and can't get seem to put both feet back on the ground. Well, ok, I never had BOTH feet firmly planted but I at least could hit a stride or two here and there. LOL. I am all kinds of eff'd up from this and can't even begin to know where to start. I have told my T small, small bits but not close to everything, not sure I ever will either but for now, I can't decide if the rest of what I remember is for real. If it is...."dang" is all I can say.

 

[Hashi]

Rumors, telling my therapist is what brings it all together for me, it brings out all the reactions that tell me whether it's real. I don't think that's because it has to be a therapist, but because it's telling someone. I don't know anyone else I would possibly tell. I don't want to, but I do want to heal and for me this seems to be the way.

I realise I said "whether it's real". There hasn't been a single thing that I've decided isn't real (leaving aside the crazymaking denial and minimisation, when my mind flips into overwhelm). For all my disbelief at every single memory, they have all been true.

I think "dang" is very restrained. *gives bittersweet smile*

 

[Hashi]

And - "dang" it - every time I come to this thread now I go cold and start shaking. (That's a good thing in my world, because it's releasing trauma, but if I'm getting like this posting here I dread to think what talking in therapy about X is going to be like.)

 

[Rumors]

Oh wow, Hashi! Sending strength! Could you think of it as a way of helping me and others here on the forum? After you talk about it, perhaps you can help me figure out how to do it. Tell me what is appropriate, what I should or shouldn't say, or what is too much information. How do you start? How long do you talk about it before it is resolved?

You have got this!

 

[Abstract]

There hasn't been a single thing that I've decided isn't real

they have all been true.

This is important Hashi and I am so glad that you have this in you. That you are able to see past the denial and minimising at times. It sounds like underneath you know when to trust yourself.

what talking in therapy about X is going to be like

I hope this doesn't come off wrong but maybe that is OK? It's awful and not something you or anyone should have to deal with, but your t is able to be there for you and you don't deserve to sit with this forever. And things get better after they are dealt with.

I can tell this is enormous for you.

Sending you support.

I walked past those memories daily

Rumours with some of my "stuff" I relate to what you say very much. I have been able to put it into words more clearly in recent months. Maybe I will share here some time.

I hope ypu too find a way to start speaking to your t.
Take care.

 

[Hashi]

your t is able to be there for you and you don't deserve to sit with this forever.

I talked about it yesterday, and she was. Afterwards I felt literally unburdened - lighter, cleaner. It's rare for me to feel immediately better after talking, but I think I'd been through a lot of the somatic and other reactions already thanks to this thread and what it brought up.

Thank you Abstract, and Rumors, for your support.

Maybe I will share here some time.

We're here if you ever want to.

After you talk about it, perhaps you can help me figure out how to do it.

I'm worried about taking this thread off topic... maybe that would be a good discussion for a new thread and other people could also say what works for them?

What I will say about it in relation to doubting recovered memories, is that I have often started talking in therapy with a long disclaimer about how I'm not sure that what I'm about to say is true. I stop myself just short of a signed declaration that I reserve the right to decide later that it wasn't true after all.

I think trauma therapists understand the doubt and disbelief, it often goes hand in hand with facing trauma. At least, my therapists (talk therapy) have been fine with talking about something I feel so undecided on. I don't think we need to be clear about what we're thinking or feeling before therapy, therapy is there to help us work it out and I think this is no different. Therapy can be a safe space to talk about the doubts and disbelief.

 

[quaintpapercut]

Hi Hashi - I think it takes tremendous courage in talking to your therapist and I'm so glad you felt better after doing so :)

I'm dealing with some memories that keep coming up over and over and over again that I've not been able to speak about yet. Like you, I have a lot of doubt and disbelief about what it is that I'm remembering. Or actually maybe it's not what I'm remembering but what the memories possibly mean?

For example, I've always remembered a,b,c,d but never put them all together or fully understood the implications of them. They all existed independently of each other which means they didn't really form a coherent narrative. I feel like my mind is putting together a puzzle right now and every once in a while, another piece fits into place.

I like your statement about not needing to be clear about what we are thinking or feeling is good insight. I know I have been remiss to talk about these memories that have been surfacing because I don't really understand them myself . But what better place to do that then in the therapy? I like when common sense hits me over the head like a brick .