Remind Me Why

[sun seeker]

Why is there hope? Why should I go on when I have been betrayed so badly so many times? When every moment is agony? When I'm coming to terms with the fact that there will never be anyone who will save me from this... that I really am alone.

I know "so as not to hurt others." That's what keeps me here. I don't need more guilt. I just want this constant pain to end.

 

[Tinyflame]

:( I don't know the answers @sun seeker . :( :hug:

Because you aren't alone. Because people can be family. Because we need people here who 'get it'. Because the pain stopping will enable room for you to have joy.

I bought a Whole Pack of candles..

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: XOXOXOX

 

[sun seeker]

But what makes the pain stop?

I know you don't know. I just...

Thank you for your candles.

There is so much grief and despair in me now, I can't contain them. Can't stop sobbing and I've gotten so stuffed up I can hardly even talk.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, terrible thing. :( :cry:

First, a breath.
Sleep?.. Bath?.. Tight squeeze. :hug:
Next, knowing the thoughts are contributing to the pain. :( They are BS. :(
Next, what can you do for you, or someone else? Someone here?
Know you're loved @sun seeker . :hug: :hug: :hug:
Next back to top.

Hey.. add in food too. :hug:
Can you start walking & talking about what you feel?

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

First, a breath.

Okay, did that.

Sleep?.. Bath?.. Tight squeeze.

I took enough benzoids I ought to be sleeping like a log, which is what tells me this is really intense.

Next, knowing the thoughts are contributing to the pain.

"I'm worthless, bad, will always be alone, a burden, don't deserve help, will never get what I need to heal." It all came out of a horrible therapy session today. I've been led down the garden path and now he's realizing what he's been trying to do is unrealistic. He's not abandoning me, but it feels that way because of the sudden about-face and a gazillion broken promises. It's making me face that no one is coming to save me. I really do have to get through this alone.

There were better ways he could have said it to not hurt me so bad. And that's easy to do when you don't understand what this kind of pain is like.

I've grieving for the child who thought someone was coming. It just hurts too much.

Next, what can you do for you, or someone else? Someone here?

Someone else, will take a little while. I'd be likely to respond by saying "yeah, it is just as bad and hopeless as you are saying."

Myself... I called a friend, hoping I could hang out at her house even if I'm sleeping on the couch while there. Sometimes I feel safer in someone else's space when it's this bad. Waiting for her to get back to me. And I have to get myself to the drugstore before it closes for the long weekend, in case I need more benzoids to get through this.

I did tell my therapist that the days of me going home in crisis after a session are over, but it didn't happen that way today. He got wrapped up in what he was saying about his thought process around changing his boundaries, and after ten minutes of telling me about that would ask how that was for me... when the damage was already done. I need him to monitor the effect he's having on me more closely. So I found a SUDS scale to print and bring in. I shouldn't be going home any higher than a 6, and I regularly do. Today was a 9. I think I've gotten it down to 8.

add in food too

I'll get some when I go out to the drugstore.

Feelings of abandonment make me feel so bad, so humiliated, I don't feel like I have the right to eat or move or be seen. Someone else reminding me sort of gives me permission to take up space in the world.

:hug::hug::hug:

I get what you're saying about how we need people who get it.

I'm just really grieving that I thought my therapist got it, and he doesn't in the way I needed him to, and it hurts like hell.

 

[NatBird]

@sun seeker with you in spirit sending support.

Thoughts: '...I will never get what I need to heal.'.

I hear you're hurting: grief is healing.

Sending a hug if welcome.

 

[sun seeker]

@NatBird, I can use all the hugs I can get. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

Friend called me back. She'll pick me up so I can go over there tomorrow, whether I am in good enough shape to play a board game with her or just collapse on her couch.

 

[Sideways]

The days like this become less and less, and the days worth being around for increase. Bit by bit.

But you don't even have to believe that right now. Just be gentle with yourself through the grief.

Hoping for the board game tomorrow, but camping on the couch of a friend is just fine too. Whatever you need to get through. We're here, and we'll be tomorrow, and the day after.

 

[Seasounds]

:hug:@sun seeker, I know I'm chiming in here, far down in the line and

I agree with you, absolutely!! I think your therapist is the problem, not you.

Of course you'd feel abandonied, from the way your therapist went about talking about boundaries.

Finding a consistent, kind and consistent boundaried therapist helps you feel cared for, instead of abandoned. This is how your heartache can decrease. Bit by bit you find more people who are consistent and kind and respectful. Strongly rely on your friends in person and in the forum to help find a more helpful, mature, professional therapist.

I've been through such a situation. Hugs to you! You can move through this. You will become a better guardian of yourself, as you find people who are respectful of yo; it heals the pain. The jerk thought that it was therapeutic, to just be natural with me. Ha! It was damaging; came away from therapy worse, not from my grief, but from how I was treated.

Personally, I'd hit pillows, pretending the pillows were my therapist, while using my voice, "you are hurtful, disrespectful", etc.(get the anger and abandonment expressed) I wouldn't say those things in person, but the exercise usually brings me into my clarity. Then I would quietly and confidently leave and know someone else is out there.(I don't try to resolve issues with people that I don't want in my life. With therapists, it can make the pain worse, even though it might feel good.)

I have one meta-physical idea that may or may not be helpful to you. It helps me in times of distress, sometimes. I remind myself that I am more than my feelings-mind, body, and spirit; that I can eventually create different feelings. This thought helps me not feel trapped, and it helps me create a bit of hope, so at least I can stop crying for a few moments.:hug: