Sexual Assault Reported - And Not Happy

[AliciaEff]

I reported my sexual abuse today and was told that most incidents did not constitute a crime because they were “natural progressions” of sexual encounters. Some things I described were trying to pull his hand out from under my shirt and using all my strength to get him to stop. They said because I didn’t remember how that incident ended (exactly when he stopped) it didn’t count as a crime.

What I really didn’t appreciate was the detective who was not in the room and sat transcribing everything came to talk to me after and when I challeneged her on fighting back not being a natural progression of a sexual encounter she said “do you want me to read the transcript back to you?” As if somehow she knew what happened better than I did, but then f*cked up later when describing an incident and when I corrected her the detective who took my statement interrupted me and said we’re getting off topic. I let him finish and said “what I don’t appreciate is you saying you have the transcript as if you know what happened better than I did and then proving to me that you don’t know better encause you were wrong about something else. It’s not in your head. You heard it once and had it on a paper that is no in front of you. It is in my head, so saying you have the transcript as if to correct me about what really happened is not helpful.”

When I was getting upset they also said “we’re not trying to upset you, we’re just telling you how the law works” and I said “well it doesn’t mayter if you’re not trying to upset me because I am upset and I think you’re just going to have to sit there and deal with me being upset because this is a reasonable response to have. I’m not going to calm down just because you’re not trying to upset me.”

My partner was super supportive and proud of me for giving my statement and challenging the detectives about their mistakes, but I’ve been in and out of a good mood the rest of the day and he’s not taking that well. I have been mumbling to myself things like “I want to die” and he’s basically just asked me to stop and seems to be irritated when i say I am trying to stop, but it’s not easy. I get that it’s hard for him, too, but I can’t f*cking deal with this right now.

If anyone wants to share a similar experience, or give advice to calm down, or just distract me by talking about their cat, please do. I welcome it all right now.

 

[Sideways]

My partner was super supportive and proud of me for giving my statement and challenging the detectives about their mistakes,

I’m with your parnter - this is something to be incredibly proud of. You’re in a small minority of people that decide to report their experience to the police. It takes a lot of courage, and you did great.

I’m sorry that you didn’t get the treatment you deserved, the respect you deserved. And if they’re even halfway right about the laws in your jurisdiction? You deserve better.

From here on out, though? It’s out of your hands. The part you could control and influence? You did awesome. You did everything right by you. I’m sorry they haven’t followed through with the strength and resources that your complaint deserves, but to the extent that you’re able to protect yourself, and stand up for yourself? You’ve done a brilliant job. So the shitty outcome doesn’t change for one second the fact that you have a whole lot to be peoud of right now.

Be gentle with yourself for awhile. It’s an overwhelming experience, and you deserve some self-care time.

 

[AllisonStern]

Cops can be f*cked. My report was similarly dismissed, and the detective painted me to be a slut that wanted violent sex and then cried rape. He also claimed that the boy in the case had never met me (even though earlier in the report it said I showed him texts we had exchanged). Turns out the detective on the case new the kid and was protecting him. The biggest sting for me was Crime Victims denying funding for the rape kit because of the way the report was written.

So I feel you. It really sucks when the system that's supposed to give you justice screws you over instead. On a different note, my cat is white and orange and fluffy all over and is shedding like crazy because it's winter :)

 

[HealingInProcess]

I reported my sexual abuse today and was told that most incidents did not constitute a crime because they were “natural progressions” of sexual encounters. Some things I described were trying to pull his hand out from under my shirt and using all my strength to get him to stop. They said because I didn’t remember how that incident ended (exactly when he stopped) it didn’t count as a crime.

What I really didn’t appreciate was the detective who was not in the room and sat transcribing everything came to talk to me after and when I challeneged her on fighting back not being a natural progression of a sexual encounter she said “do you want me to read the transcript back to you?” As if somehow she knew what happened better than I did, but then f*cked up later when describing an incident and when I corrected her the detective who took my statement interrupted me and said we’re getting off topic. I let him finish and said “what I don’t appreciate is you saying you have the transcript as if you know what happened better than I did and then proving to me that you don’t know better encause you were wrong about something else. It’s not in your head. You heard it once and had it on a paper that is no in front of you. It is in my head, so saying you have the transcript as if to correct me about what really happened is not helpful.”

When I was getting upset they also said “we’re not trying to upset you, we’re just telling you how the law works” and I said “well it doesn’t mayter if you’re not trying to upset me because I am upset and I think you’re just going to have to sit there and deal with me being upset because this is a reasonable response to have. I’m not going to calm down just because you’re not trying to upset me.”

My partner was super supportive and proud of me for giving my statement and challenging the detectives about their mistakes, but I’ve been in and out of a good mood the rest of the day and he’s not taking that well. I have been mumbling to myself things like “I want to die” and he’s basically just asked me to stop and seems to be irritated when i say I am trying to stop, but it’s not easy. I get that it’s hard for him, too, but I can’t f*cking deal with this right now.

If anyone wants to share a similar experience, or give advice to calm down, or just distract me by talking about their cat, please do. I welcome it all right now.

I am very sorry that this happened to you and I would imagine it would be frustrating for you to look for justice and feel that it is being denied you. I also believe you are very brave to go through this process however it ended up turning out. I pray for peace for you over this situation. I know it's also hard to stop when you're upset and I hope he is understanding. He's probably also processing himself emotionally as well.

 

[AliciaEff]

Thanks everyone. I’ve finally come to accept that I’m not going to go back and challenge the police about how they classified the crime. I still believe that they are wrong, but there were at least 2 instances out of 7 or so that I gave that they said were definitely crimes so I will focus on those. Because there is no hard evidence and the crime is so old, they won’t continue with the investigation unless I ask them to, so deciding to do that will be my next hurdle.

For now, I am applying for compensation from the Provincial government as a victim of a crime. I can give them a police report number and they will see it was indicated that a crime took place, despite no conviction, so hopefully I will get something out of it.

My PTSD stopped me from working for years and I have had to pay for therapy, so some money would be nice at this point. I would rather my abuser have to pay, but you can’t always get what you want.

 

[Muttly]

I am glad you got some validation from the criminal report and really sorry that you didn't get the full support you deserve. I hope you can get the compensation from the government. You are dealing with really hard stuff. How are you doing with it all?

 

[AliciaEff]

sorry that you didn't get the full support you deserve.

Well to be fair, I generally get a lot of support. My partner was overwhelmed by my symptoms and it happened to fall on a terrible day when I needed a lot from him.

I’m dealing with it in many different ways. I only work part time, so I get to spend a lot of time taking care of myself. One thing I have focused on lately is eating properly. I have never been good at eating well. I used to skip meals and just eat junk food because I don’t enjoy food much. When I focus on eating properly, I have more energy during the day and my appetite comes back, encouraging me to continue to eat more.

I reward myself for small accomplishments by writing them down. Some days I spend a few minutes writing down everything I do on a daily basis like get out of bed or brush my teeth, as well as feed my cats and clean at least one dish or utensil in the sink, including that I eat well. I look at the lovely list of what I do constantly and remind myself that it takes a lot of energy to do those things and that I put a lot of effort into it. Then I make a list of any major thing I’ve done in the last few months such as reporting to the police, or driving my grandmother to a doctor’s appointment and look at that list, too.

Overall I’m doing quite well because of these little techniques I’ve developed over the years. It can be really hard on some days, but that happens and those days are less often than they used to be.

 

[User88]

This is similar to what happened to me today. I went to the police to report a historical rape today (1.5 years ago) it took a lot of strength for me to do this. He told me to tell him what happened first so he could get his head round it all. I went through it all, telling him exactly what happened which was very distressing for me. After I’d told him, he said we shouldn’t do a written statement and we should do a video statement. He said if he wrote down everything I’d just said the statement would be 20 pages long. He said I’d have to book in to do the video statement another time. Why didn’t he tell me this before? I’d just gone through it all for no reason.
Then he basically said because I had sex with the guy afterwards it won’t be seen as a rape case (he raped me, but about 30 mins after, I had consensual sex with him because I wanted to overwrite what had just happened, I couldn’t accept what had happened)
It was definitely non consensual the first time. He even said because I didn’t tell him to stop whilst it was happening that this would go against me. I said to the guy “we can’t have sex” and he didn’t listen and put his penis inside me.
Also the fact that this guy kept trying to touch me sexually and I kept moving his hands away and telling him to stop apparently is irrelevant. He was like why didn’t you leave his house?
I just feel really let down by the police.

 

[Teasel]

I'm really sorry this happened to you @User88 and that your experience reporting to the police was so invalidating too. I've nothing but admiration for people who report their experiences. And it's galling how often victims have a bad experience when they get up the nerve to report.

 

[AliciaEff]

I'm sorry you had that experience. Sometimes it seems like police officers don't actually know the law and they give their opinions based on what they think will happen in trial. Just because it's difficult to charge someone with a crime, doesn't mean they haven't committed one!