Childhood Repressed Memories Of Sexual Abuse

[MayB123]

Hello everyone,

I hope everyone is finding the support they need from this forum and website, it's wonderful to be able to connect with others this way! Over this past year I have worked through a lot of the pain and trauma of my past dealing with neglect as a child. I am learning a lot of about myself, and true unconditional love though the process.

I am however at a block because I feel like dealing with a pain that I can't remember. I don't know if I was sexually abused as a child, or if I am feeling wounded by my actions as a child. I go back and forth between believing that I was abused , and then again back to the feelings that I am just hurt because I felt so much guilt for long as child. I feel like I am struggling because as much as I want to know, so I can heal, I have this feeling that once I know my world might be shattered. I am getting married next June, and my biggest fear is that if it is my father I don't know what I would do. This is what I remember from my childhood that makes me think I was sexually abused.

When I was about 3-4 years old I used to sneak into my little brothers room (a year younger than me) and look at his penis while he was asleep.

We used to "play" like this a few times (show me/touch me) during our childhood, sometimes with other children. I remember telling my mom, and feeling really guilty about it. She said it was normal to wonder what other people look like, but not to do it anymore. Almost every time we had friends over, I would engage in this sort of play with them.

The last memory I have of this type of "play" was when I was about 8-9 years old, same thing with my brother - just showing and touching (not like masturbating - just a quick show). I felt so guilty, like I had given into something I said I would never do again.

I have this memory of laying in bed in the dark, looking at the light creeping through the door from when I was about 3-4 around the same time as I used to go into my brothers room. I don't know why this sticks out to me.

I had terrible anxiety as a child, not being able to sleep at night feeling so guilty about something and stressed. I would wrap myself up as tight was a could in blankets, sometimes I would sleep in the corner of the room between dressers, in front of the door, or in the closet.

I used to stick things into my underwear and vagina when I would masterbate, like crayons, or q-tips.

I remember finding a small porn magazine in my basement/playroom around 4 years old, it was open to a page of a penis in-between two breasts. I remember not knowing what the penis was, because it was so hairy I thought it was a bird in a nest or something.

I remember telling my mom I had a very itchy vagina at night a lot of the times and couldn't sleep because of it. I don't think I ever went to the doctors because of it.

I used to masterbate excessively, but never thinking about sexual things - mostly just because it felt good. When I found out that what I was doing was masterbation I felt deep shame.

At one point I think I blamed my brother, and I hated him for so long (between the ages of 10-12)- and I remember him saying "Why do you hate me so much? What did I ever do?" and I decided to just let it go. I don't think it was him coming into my room, I think I just thought he would because I used to go into his room when I was much younger - so now he could do it to me.

When I was in university I did my honours thesis on The Lifelong Impacts of Childhood Sexual Abuse, because I was so interested in the topic. I have always been interested in the topic of Childhood Sexual Abuse, and never known why I felt such a deep connection with it.

Sometimes I feel like I was the abuser, because I went into my little brothers room at night - and thats where my guilt/pain is coming from. Like I am preventing myself from just accepting that truth, or maybe I was abused, because so many of these symptoms seem to connect with children who are abused.

Maybe hearing from someone outside of my own brain will help me. I have never gone to therapy about this, because until this past year, I never felt really bothered by this pain. I am considering it, but I don't want to form false memories either.

 

[Stickler]

I think if/ when you are ready, the memories will come? If they ever will.

 

[Hammytime]

Please know that I am completely new to childhood trauma/ptsd etc--so take this with a grain of salt. :)

I felt a strong connection with your story. I to believe something sexual happened to me as a child, but I don't have any concrete memories. Sometimes I am jealous (!) when I read other posters because at least they know what happened to them (which is then followed by shame).

You have a lot going on right now. You have the abuse from your neglect, the shame from "looking" at your brothers, and the question if something sexually happened to you. No wonder you are confused!!

I will say that it IS normal for young children to look at each other/play doctor. But it seems you knew a lot more about sex than most children. The only way you could have that knowledge is if someone "shared" that with you. What I'm trying to say is that you are not a bad person/perpetrator. You sound like you had a stressful childhood and you were hurting. Perhaps working on the shame of of looking at your brothers with your T will help unravel what truly happened.

Again, I'm not an expert, and I am not a therapist. But I really hope that you can start to heal from the shame of thinking you are an abuser. Unless you are going around abusing people now, which I doubt, I just view you as a hurting, little girl who maybe was exposed to something sexual and was really confused about it.

I truly hope I helped, even if just a little!!

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I may be of no help whatsoever. I always exhibited signs of abuse. And yet was muddled. I knew that I had played some odd games with a boy down our road. He was a year younger than me. One therapist told me it was just kids playing. I accepted that and felt I wwas being a bit over upset. Years later, about 7 years ago, a therapist pointed out that I was being sexually abused, regardless of the child's age. And it was like a light bulb moment. I was deeply impacted by those events that went on for months when I was 8. but up until that point every body told me I was being silly. But when I started looking at what happened to me I was raped and I was being manipulated, (he had an adult brother feeding him things to do) and I then recently got body memories, it was like my body could not, just could NOT handle all this stuff before now, nearly 50 years later