Childhood Repressed Memories Or Trauma?

[David41]

Theres a huge part of my childhood from 2-8 that I don't remember anything of. The few things I remember aren't great memories, mostly yelling and of that nature. In your opinion is it a reason for my brain to repress/erase memories or is it usually what happens when something like molestation occurs? I ask because i could only remember bad memories but everything else is blank.

After 8 I can remember although It seems unusual that I can't remember things at 4-8. I thought for the longest time I lived at a certain house but only went there every weekend. I had a nanny at 3 and when i asked about her my mom said that she was fired for seeing her boyfriend who was in prison while babysitting me.

Bad childhood or molestation?

 

[Justmehere]

It is somewhat normal to not remember much before the age of 7, especially anything before the age if 3.

Two good articles about this:
http://www.popsci.com/blog-network/kinderlab/birth-memory-why-kids-forget-what-happened-age-7

Dead Link Removed

It is also normal for kid and adult brains to remember bad events much better than good events.

Any kind of trauma or stress could lead to some additional (but not always pathological) amnesia - yelling alone can scare a little kid quite a bit.

Based on the information you have given in this post, I would not jump to the conclusion of molestation. I'm not saying you were not molested, just that what you have described here in this post is generally not enough to conclude that you have for sure been molested it have repressed memories of trauma.

If there are other factors that make you concerned that you were molested or are bringing up all of this and prompting you to post on a PTSD board, especially if you are suffering from any mental health symptoms now, then it would likely be worthwhile talking to a good informed trauma therapist about this and any struggles you face in life now. The really good thing is that even if you never remember or know for sure either way what happened or didn't happen, working with a good therapist can lead to improvement and relief from symptoms now and better being able to live a full life.

 

[Lucycat]

@David41 I am curious. The lack of information you have given here gives me no opportunity to give an opinion. But there must be more or you would not be here on this forum I suspect.

Of course, only share what you are comfortable with. It is entirely your choice with no pressure. But I think there is more to this story.

 

[WillyKat]

Agree w/ Lucycat. Have you been diagnosed w/ PTSD by a qualified professional? Do you have symptoms that lead you to believe you may have PTSD or a similar disorder?

Generally speaking, people don't remember traumatic events because they aren't recorded the same way, if at all. During trauma, the part of the brain that records normal events is dialed way back while the part that deals with fear is blasting ahead on full afterburners. So later in life, "remembering" trauma is very tricky because it comes back through the body, through startle and fear reactions, etc. And that folks, is a gross, oversimplified explanation of a very complex thing.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Possibly neither. Are you on a fishing expedition?Have you been diagnosed with ptsd?

 

[That girl Aimee]

I think it's a bit quick to jump to that conclusion based on nothing.... While most people do generally remember childhood, not remembering it does not mean you were abused in the slightest.
Even when people don't remember abuse straight away, they generally have a lot of diagnosed mental health problems, like severe Anxiety and Depression, personality disorders, drug problems and don't seem to know where it all stems from. Because even if someone blocks out something horrific, the mind still has that information stored and the effects of the trauma manifest into many ways and generally people develop mental health issues. So unless you are actually having mental health problems, why would you try and investigate such an allegation based on nothing???

 

[David41]

The details are foggy but theres a part of me that thinks that something may have happened when I was younger that I can't remember.

I have social anxiety and depression (undiagnosed but very obvious) and undiagnosed PTSD. Molestation and/or child hood abuse i.e. yelling ect.

Il try to write everything I can remember and hopefully it could provide some insight:

age 1-4 had 3 nannies one a year. One of the nannies got fired for seeing her boyfriend that was in jail or recently out of jail while baby sitting me. Where I think something happened that I blocked out and have repressed memories is the first time my friend showed me porn at age 10-11 I got at instant sick feeling in my gut and had to leave the room like I was going to throw up. Even before that when I was 6 I saw a girl naked while changing at the Y and that also made me sick to my stomach/ have a weird feeling. During doctor physical checkups when I was younger I also pull back immediately during that time of the exam. When I was 4 I didn't want to go to school because I was having a bad day. My mom dragged me all the way to school naked and dressed me in front of the class as they laughed.

This isnt completely solid evidence and could be within normal behaviour.

Moved at 5. A few years ago was on a trip with my older brother and his old friend who I known at age 5 - 8. His friend said along the lines of "remember when you were a child I used to do wrestling moves, beat you up and drop you on your head" I was so close to knocking this guy out but decided against it, he had the nerve to even laugh while saying it. Uncertain if he was lying or not but I could not remember any of it. My brother is 6 years older than me. When I was 12 he used to beat me till I had a bruise on my entire arm as I called for help and my dad went to his room and closed the door.

Remembered at 7 a friend and I were playing with large stones (huge 200 pound stones) and one crushed on my fingers. Had stitches in that finger and none of it phased me I wasn't crying, shocked or anything I just stared at my hand, absent of emotion as the doctor stitched it up. Doctor even said he was surprised since there are grown adults that cry as they get stitches. Age 14 I cut my head and went to the ER and the look on peoples faces seem so alien to me (I had bandages covering my entire head) I was confused why people even looked shocked. The flip side is I tear up and cry at normal things that most people don't even find a problem in.

Im pretty sure that its apparent to people that I have mental illness and in my first introductory week in university a few teachers say messed up things to me. I dress the same as everyone else talk and act the same, hang out with the same people yet they can all pick me out somehow - more than 1. The thing is I don't even bother saying anything back or a comeback line because it doesnt even effect me (those that need to ridicule others are even farther below just surviving by trying to attack others) and I can genuinely just laugh at how petty they are for trying to make me mad and not care what people think of me in that context. Getting laughed at being naked when I was a child definitely help me not care (i sure it will be funnier when I'm older). Is that being out of touch? Should I be caring more about those things?


In conclusion I have a pretty thick skin when it comes to abusive people because I can see where its coming from, physically too. Emotionally I'm a mess when people are being unfair. My social anxiety disorder is very specific, I get it only once I start talking to the stranger at the beginning and the fear is that they will be unreasonable and rude for no reason. There is certainly trauma in childhood is PTSD of molestation or abandonment a possibility?Personality disorders?

 

[Justmehere]

Have you talked to the therapist or doctor who diagnosed you with anxiety and depression about your suspicion that you have PTSD? No one here can diagnose, especially not online. It would be unwise to do so. It is possible you could have PTSD, and it is possible you could have a whole host of other mental health conditions. Internet diagnosis or self diagnosis is a dangerous thing. It isn't even as simple as having experienced trauma and then having symptoms now, and therefore someone has PTSD. Not all trauma leads to the specific condition of PTSD. Trauma plays a factor in a whole host of conditions.

Right now, instead of looking for what you don't know and can't confirm regarding your suspicion of molestation, I think it would be a very good idea to focus on the things you do remember and is likely affecting you now - like this horrible traumatic event right here:

When I was 12 he used to beat me till I had a bruise on my entire arm as I called for help and my dad went to his room and closed the door.

That alone is horrific. Some trauma professionals believe that the more invalidating the environment at the time of the life threatening trauma, the more likely the victim is going to develop PTSD. Do not underestimate the impact of your father walking away while you were being beaten. Even if you do not have PTSD, that is a significant betrayal of his role as your parent.

Again, none of us can diagnose. However, everything you write about suggests it's time to get in to see a good therapist to sort out these matters more. It is possible for you to have a much brighter future ahead with significant relief from the symptoms and pain you are experiencing now.

 

[joeylittle]

I have social anxiety and depression (undiagnosed but very obvious) and undiagnosed PTSD.

I just want to say, stop right there and take a breath. If all these things are undiagnosed, I would strongly encourage you to get yourself started with a mental health care professional. Whether or not you think it's obvious isn't the only piece of the puzzle. There are disorders you could have that actually combine many of those symptoms and aren't a single one of those three.

The reason it matters only has to do with course of treatment. And many treatments overlap. But I can tell you from my personal experience, when I finally actually had what I was pretty sure was depression diagnosed, it wasn't quite what I thought it was. It was very useful to get the information.

Regardless of what may or may not have happened, you clearly are very bothered by it. That's a good reason to seek therapy right there.

You're also worried about whether or not your responses to things are appropriate. And that's another very good sign that one, you'd benefit from therapy, and two, you might not have the particular combination of diagnoses you think you have.

 

[Chava]

Agree with others about talking about this with a therapist and NOT diagnosing yourself but meeting with a professional if you suspect these diagnosis.

Taking you to school naked and dressing you in front of the class is not normal. So sorry for that.

As for molestation, I also agree about not trying to dig for information. Aside from sexual assaults I remember and earlier physical abuse, I have some pretty suspicious hints of earlier sexual abuse...memories of abnormal sex play, dissociation during sex, ridiculously loose or overly guarded boundaries (no middle), known CSA in my family (including a child molester who died in jail), random panic and suicidal feelings in the middle of the night, bloody nightmares of being betrayed or murdered by family, and even nightmares about a family member molesting me...and ending up in ER the day after that nightmare because of an arrhythmia that developed in response to that nightmare but has continued when stressed. It would seem obvious but I still don't take this as fact of anything. For one, I do not have the concrete memories right now. Also if they are there but somehow buried, I take this as a clue that I am not able to deal with them anyway, at least not right now. So I don't dig around for them (plus I've simply found that doesn't work).

Memories, if they are there, don't come through thinking about possibly related bits. They might show up randomly, or in therapy, or never. Or they might not be there. Best to find someone to help you address the symptoms you are currently having difficulty with and diagnosis (help for depression or possibly trauma symptoms). Good luck.

 

[crazyhorse69]

Concerning repressed memories, my experience with that, began about three years into being in AA and recovery, working the steps and slowly some extremely painful memories which I thought I'd forgot started surfacing, the memories shed alot of light on how I interpreted the world and why I behaved so irrationally, but remembering being treated that way so young, made me more angry and infuriated me, but talking to friends helped re leave some the bottled emotions. It took about three years in recovery though before these memories started coming to the surface, and sense then three distinct traumatic encounters have risen to the surface, that involved rejection, abandonment and neglect