babyfirefly301
New Here
Last year around this time I had in therapy what I believe to be a repressed memory though I cant figure out if its false or real. I felt like I was in a deep sleep in therapy that day and the room seemed pitch black and very small and crowded and all of a sudden I heard what sounded like my dads voice saying you've been feeling frisky, it sounded so cold, the next voice I heard right after did not sound like my brother but it said something about millions of fish being everywhere and the only person I ever known to have at least 50 fish tanks all over his apartment was my brother. Then all of a sudden I could see myself in an upright fetal position, hands covering head and when I started to come back to myself I felt an intense burning pain all over my body, extremely sexual and angry at the same time.
About 2 weeks later oddly enough in march which both my brother and fathers birthdays are in and the new pope was elected on my dads birthday (my dad is a retired pastor and always wore priest colors black and the white collar on Sunday) I had a very bad mental breakdown, I got arrested for the first time ever and spent a night in jail where I was practically catatonic and hearing and seeing things which I had never experienced prior to the incident and then sent to a psych hospital, discharged a week later, went home and tried to blow my apartment up and taken by the state police to a different hospital where I was admitted for a month.
Since the episode I was taken off the antipsychotic about 3 months ago and have been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder and haven't heard voices or seen things since. I'm worried because its about to be march again and since that one time in therapy I haven't remembered anything else but since being released from the hospital last may I have thoughts of burning, cutting and electrocuting myself, I remember I used to do that when I was younger along with sticking needles into my skin and had no idea why. I told my parents I had also regressed and remembered the abuse of me by my bio mom and when she murdered my baby stepbrother, my dad for some reason got extremely angry and said its all bs that its never been proven to work and that you cant remember things when you were young like that, then I asked him why they took me to holding therapy and had emdr done on me to which he said you still had some memories. He contradicted himself.
I cant remember much of the 2 weeks I spent at that holding therapy but I do remember the emdr being done and the holding therapist screaming at me over and over what do you see, what do you see? I said nothing but lights. is it possible that he knew about my dad and brother and was working for them and hypnotized me to forget? I also remember him screaming at me that I was turning out just like my bio mom, I was only 13 at the time and never had sex willingly I feel now like maybe I was being slutshamed like if the abuse happened I somehow seduced my father and brother. the few years leading up to the recovered memory I was feeling extremely uncomfortable around my father and would have to force myself to hug my dad on holidays because I felt I owed him something because he did something nice for me on the holiday. I always thought something about him was off but I never would have suspected my brother.
Another thing that makes things look really shady is that for some reason my mom has always hated me, most of her hateful comments surrounded my physical features when I was younger but she pretty much to this day is still nasty to me for no reason. how do I figure out if this is real or false? It makes it harder because my parents have always put on a phony facade to the public because my dads job but things were dysfunctional in the home. My brother started getting drunk at an early age and smoking and then progressed to real drugs. one time when I was around 8 years old I seen him bash his head through a wooden door while angry. I don't know what to make of any of this.
About 2 weeks later oddly enough in march which both my brother and fathers birthdays are in and the new pope was elected on my dads birthday (my dad is a retired pastor and always wore priest colors black and the white collar on Sunday) I had a very bad mental breakdown, I got arrested for the first time ever and spent a night in jail where I was practically catatonic and hearing and seeing things which I had never experienced prior to the incident and then sent to a psych hospital, discharged a week later, went home and tried to blow my apartment up and taken by the state police to a different hospital where I was admitted for a month.
Since the episode I was taken off the antipsychotic about 3 months ago and have been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder and haven't heard voices or seen things since. I'm worried because its about to be march again and since that one time in therapy I haven't remembered anything else but since being released from the hospital last may I have thoughts of burning, cutting and electrocuting myself, I remember I used to do that when I was younger along with sticking needles into my skin and had no idea why. I told my parents I had also regressed and remembered the abuse of me by my bio mom and when she murdered my baby stepbrother, my dad for some reason got extremely angry and said its all bs that its never been proven to work and that you cant remember things when you were young like that, then I asked him why they took me to holding therapy and had emdr done on me to which he said you still had some memories. He contradicted himself.
I cant remember much of the 2 weeks I spent at that holding therapy but I do remember the emdr being done and the holding therapist screaming at me over and over what do you see, what do you see? I said nothing but lights. is it possible that he knew about my dad and brother and was working for them and hypnotized me to forget? I also remember him screaming at me that I was turning out just like my bio mom, I was only 13 at the time and never had sex willingly I feel now like maybe I was being slutshamed like if the abuse happened I somehow seduced my father and brother. the few years leading up to the recovered memory I was feeling extremely uncomfortable around my father and would have to force myself to hug my dad on holidays because I felt I owed him something because he did something nice for me on the holiday. I always thought something about him was off but I never would have suspected my brother.
Another thing that makes things look really shady is that for some reason my mom has always hated me, most of her hateful comments surrounded my physical features when I was younger but she pretty much to this day is still nasty to me for no reason. how do I figure out if this is real or false? It makes it harder because my parents have always put on a phony facade to the public because my dads job but things were dysfunctional in the home. My brother started getting drunk at an early age and smoking and then progressed to real drugs. one time when I was around 8 years old I seen him bash his head through a wooden door while angry. I don't know what to make of any of this.
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