Request to Vent, relationship problems

[Friday]

But I'm counting on the day when I do :)

<grin>

And same token? I don’t talk about this shit in 99% of my real life. If not 99.999%

It helps to remind me that other people are often ALSO choosing to whom (and when/where) to talk about things that are this personal, and matter this much.

Some people do share everything with anyone. But for most people? They aren’t open books. They choose who/when/where/how much to share with others.

Some people also probably DO live golden lives. But most people, in my experience, have their own share of pain, darkness, trial, trouble. It may or may not be pain et al that I share, or relate to.

But? Finding “my people”, I have to agree, is one of those angels singing on high… BLISS… kinds of experiences.

 

[coraxxx]

In attachment theory (I think it’s a bit limited but to some extent, it does describe situations like this pretty well), it is said that people with anxious attachment style (eg clingy ones) tend to match with avoidant attachment styles (eg distant/shutdown ones). This not because they’re drawn to each other magically, but because it self-selects. Someone who isn’t anxious might in fact walk away from an avoidant more easily, and an avoidant might walk away from someone who doesn’t cling. Magic done, here we go. It doesn’t mean that everything is devoted to doom, but one can envision how cyclic and problematic a relationship can be.

Oh well I did find someone who could understand me on the deepest horrible rage… that was not nice. And understanding isn’t something necessarily constant. Understanding isn’t necessarily complicit. I’m more leaning towards people who are willing to accept me even if not understanding everything, even if sometimes I can be very puzzling, even if sometimes, I also fail to even understand myself, at least in real time. And by this I don’t mean accept unacceptable behaviour, but just accept in the essence that even people you know like your dirty socks will keep a part of unbreakable mystery, and that’s actually where the whole magic lies in. Otherwise it wouldn’t be interesting.

That said, to an extent, it is hard for me to interact in intimacy with folks that haven’t at least some idea of how it feels to be traumatized and dissociated. Because for "normal" folks, sometimes my actions look like planetary paths written from a geocentric system, that is, stupidly complex and nearly absurd. The reference point isn’t the same, so even my simple regular movements might feel unpredictable.

 

[Rorster93]

In attachment theory (I think it’s a bit limited but to some extent, it does describe situations like this pretty well), it is said that people with anxious attachment style (eg clingy ones) tend to match with avoidant attachment styles (eg distant/shutdown ones). This not because they’re drawn to each other magically, but because it self-selects. Someone who isn’t anxious might in fact walk away from an avoidant more easily, and an avoidant might walk away from someone who doesn’t cling. Magic done, here we go. It doesn’t mean that everything is devoted to doom, but one can envision how cyclic and problematic a relationship can be.

Oh well I did find someone who could understand me on the deepest horrible rage… that was not nice. And understanding isn’t something necessarily constant. Understanding isn’t necessarily complicit. I’m more leaning towards people who are willing to accept me even if not understanding everything, even if sometimes I can be very puzzling, even if sometimes, I also fail to even understand myself, at least in real time. And by this I don’t mean accept unacceptable behaviour, but just accept in the essence that even people you know like your dirty socks will keep a part of unbreakable mystery, and that’s actually where the whole magic lies in. Otherwise it wouldn’t be interesting.

That said, to an extent, it is hard for me to interact in intimacy with folks that haven’t at least some idea of how it feels to be traumatized and dissociated. Because for "normal" folks, sometimes my actions look like planetary paths written from a geocentric system, that is, stupidly complex and nearly absurd. The reference point isn’t the same, so even my simple regular movements might feel unpredictable.

The attachment theory makes sense. Sort of like a yin-yang set up. I often feel as tho I am the only one keeping this relationship going because if it were left up to him we would hardly ever communicate or see each other. But at the same time, he allows me and makes room for me, he tries to be accommodating. He's the lock and I'm the key <3 Ok I will spare you from further cringiness.

I never considered understanding not to be constant, like trust is never constant. We will never find someone who can fully understand us neither will we find someone who we can fully understand is very understandable haha!

You're right, our pursuit is moreso for someone to accept us even without understanding. I want that from this guy but his stonewalling has me feeling as tho I don't have room to be human in this relationship. I cannot experience anger or frustration without him taking it personally and not sure if that's ever going to change.

My crystal ball is telling me I will work on my abandonment issues, become more resilient to his stonewalling and more accepting of myself, my imperfections and negative emotions, he gets fed up with me not being happy 24/7 and leaves. I'm willing to give him room to be snooty, but he gives me no room to be aggravating.

If I don't work on my abandonement/trust issues, it will break us. If I work on my abandonment/trust issues, it will either make or break us. So our relationship has a 2/3 chance of being unsuccessful. Hope the attachment theory holds some weight...

 

[DentedCan 2.0]

Thank you so much for this and understanding how my brain works. It's refreshing when someone else understands and has been thru it themselves. I don't feel as crazy.

He would not be open to couples therapy, unfortunately..

When I waited all day for him to call and he did not was a day I did nothing.

I never considered addiction recovery techniques because I don't have any addictions so I just skip over those chapters in my self-help books. But perhaps they have some good advice. Some days it's hard because he's literally all I think about from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. Especially if I have nothing to do..that could be similar to an addiction I suppose..

In a way it is a compulsion. My PTSD is telling me that if I don't interact with my partner in some way then I've been abandoned. Even when my therapist is unavailable, I feel abandoned, left to face this world alone.

But when I'm busy all day and tired or come home late it's not that big a deal if I miss a call from him that day..I'll just call him tomorrow. And he understands.

Oh my gawd, getting this out really helped!!!

I can sympathize with what you’re saying and I really feel for you. One thing I’ve come to realize in my relationship with a suffer, being a suffer myself is that there is nobody in this world that could take away those feelings of rejection, abandonment and not being good enough. Those feelings are yours and unless you don’t change your mindset and are comfortable with being alone a lot of these feelings may never change. The compulsion or addiction to reach out to him or call him I need validation of your relationship and his feelings is some thing that you have to heal within yourself. It could be him or any other relationship that you were in where you’ll feel the same way regardless of the person‘s actions. I’m working on the same… Learning to love myself, value my own self-worth even though I had parents who didn’t. Life is short and one thing that I’ve learned from being in a relationship that requires so much compassion and understanding is that I have to have the same compassionate understanding for myself. We can’t change other people we can only change ourselves and although I can understand your need for validation and anxiety over the relationship, unless you heal that within yourself you may always feel that way no matter what your partner does or says. I’ve decided that I need and want better for myself. Although I love this man, it’s not the life or love I want to be assigned to. I know that I am a wonderful person and deserve to be treated with the The same love, compassion, understanding and commitment that I bring to a relationship. I am broken from my experience and trying very hard to put myself back together. I don’t want to project any of these feelings or emotions onto the next relationship that I encounter so I’m doing the work now so I can be the person that I want my partner to be.

 

[Rorster93]

I can sympathize with what you’re saying and I really feel for you. One thing I’ve come to realize in my relationship with a suffer, being a suffer myself is that there is nobody in this world that could take away those feelings of rejection, abandonment and not being good enough. Those feelings are yours and unless you don’t change your mindset and are comfortable with being alone a lot of these feelings may never change. The compulsion or addiction to reach out to him or call him I need validation of your relationship and his feelings is some thing that you have to heal within yourself. It could be him or any other relationship that you were in where you’ll feel the same way regardless of the person‘s actions. I’m working on the same… Learning to love myself, value my own self-worth even though I had parents who didn’t. Life is short and one thing that I’ve learned from being in a relationship that requires so much compassion and understanding is that I have to have the same compassionate understanding for myself. We can’t change other people we can only change ourselves and although I can understand your need for validation and anxiety over the relationship, unless you heal that within yourself you may always feel that way no matter what your partner does or says. I’ve decided that I need and want better for myself. Although I love this man, it’s not the life or love I want to be assigned to. I know that I am a wonderful person and deserve to be treated with the The same love, compassion, understanding and commitment that I bring to a relationship. I am broken from my experience and trying very hard to put myself back together. I don’t want to project any of these feelings or emotions onto the next relationship that I encounter so I’m doing the work now so I can be the person that I want my partner to be.

Since this time, I started to work on myself by starting a trauma diary so I could address the issues of my past instead of taking it out on my boyfriend. When we "made up" which was just picking up where we left off, I fully expected him to continue his habit of not communicating every day. During that time, I planned to sit with the panic I get when he doesn't call and train my brain that all is well if we didn't talk every day because we would still be in a relationship. But that plan went out of the window because now he calls me everyday, once a day and sometimes more. I still felt panicky at one point but, luckily, I didn't start a fight over it.

I still feel like I'm working on myself by writing about my trauma and living by the day. Yesterday is gone, it's done with. You can't do anything with it anymore. The future is meant to be planned for but, again, can't do anything about it, it's not here. All we have is today. And in today, I will commit an act of generosity. I will allow my feelings to come and go and, today, I don't have to react to them, at least not today. Today, I don't have to be vigilant, I don't have to know all the details, not worried about tomorrow, just today I can be myself.

I still have set backs but from a bird's eye view, I'm making progress such as volunteering with my church, having friends, having hobbies. What's weird is, I've noticed less of an obsession with my boyfriend. Knock on wood, haven't said it out loud until now. We get along much better because of this. I still have so much love for him but now...it's like I have a life. I used to say he was my world but now he is a part of my world, a major part. I love sharing my world with his. We will not always feel loving but that's to be expected.

So it is separating the pain that someone else caused you, I was treating him and projecting onto him what my abusers did to me, holding him accountable when I should be holding my abusers accountable and being mad at them.

 

[DentedCan 2.0]

Since this time, I started to work on myself by starting a trauma diary so I could address the issues of my past instead of taking it out on my boyfriend. When we "made up" which was just picking up where we left off, I fully expected him to continue his habit of not communicating every day. During that time, I planned to sit with the panic I get when he doesn't call and train my brain that all is well if we didn't talk every day because we would still be in a relationship. But that plan went out of the window because now he calls me everyday, once a day and sometimes more. I still felt panicky at one point but, luckily, I didn't start a fight over it.

I still feel like I'm working on myself by writing about my trauma and living by the day. Yesterday is gone, it's done with. You can't do anything with it anymore. The future is meant to be planned for but, again, can't do anything about it, it's not here. All we have is today. And in today, I will commit an act of generosity. I will allow my feelings to come and go and, today, I don't have to react to them, at least not today. Today, I don't have to be vigilant, I don't have to know all the details, not worried about tomorrow, just today I can be myself.

I still have set backs but from a bird's eye view, I'm making progress such as volunteering with my church, having friends, having hobbies. What's weird is, I've noticed less of an obsession with my boyfriend. Knock on wood, haven't said it out loud until now. We get along much better because of this. I still have so much love for him but now...it's like I have a life. I used to say he was my world but now he is a part of my world, a major part. I love sharing my world with his. We will not always feel loving but that's to be expected.

So it is separating the pain that someone else caused you, I was treating him and projecting onto him what my abusers did to me, holding him accountable when I should be holding my abusers accountable and being mad at them.

It sounds like you have a good grasp on it and are doing the work! I love that for you. I’m so happy that you’re getting out and involving yourself with things outside of your relationship. We all need that and it helps with those feelings of loneliness and abandonment. I love your talking about living for today in reality that’s all we have.

 

[Rorster93]

It sounds like you have a good grasp on it and are doing the work! I love that for you. I’m so happy that you’re getting out and involving yourself with things outside of your relationship. We all need that and it helps with those feelings of loneliness and abandonment. I love your talking about living for today in reality that’s all we have.

Yes! Stay focused!!