Request to Vent, relationship problems

Friday

Moderator
But I'm counting on the day when I do :)
<grin>

And same token? I don’t talk about this shit in 99% of my real life. If not 99.999%

It helps to remind me that other people are often ALSO choosing to whom (and when/where) to talk about things that are this personal, and matter this much.

Some people do share everything with anyone. But for most people? They aren’t open books. They choose who/when/where/how much to share with others.

Some people also probably DO live golden lives. But most people, in my experience, have their own share of pain, darkness, trial, trouble. It may or may not be pain et al that I share, or relate to.

But? Finding “my people”, I have to agree, is one of those angels singing on high… BLISS… kinds of experiences.
 

coraxxx

Sponsor
In attachment theory (I think it’s a bit limited but to some extent, it does describe situations like this pretty well), it is said that people with anxious attachment style (eg clingy ones) tend to match with avoidant attachment styles (eg distant/shutdown ones). This not because they’re drawn to each other magically, but because it self-selects. Someone who isn’t anxious might in fact walk away from an avoidant more easily, and an avoidant might walk away from someone who doesn’t cling. Magic done, here we go. It doesn’t mean that everything is devoted to doom, but one can envision how cyclic and problematic a relationship can be.

Oh well I did find someone who could understand me on the deepest horrible rage… that was not nice. And understanding isn’t something necessarily constant. Understanding isn’t necessarily complicit. I’m more leaning towards people who are willing to accept me even if not understanding everything, even if sometimes I can be very puzzling, even if sometimes, I also fail to even understand myself, at least in real time. And by this I don’t mean accept unacceptable behaviour, but just accept in the essence that even people you know like your dirty socks will keep a part of unbreakable mystery, and that’s actually where the whole magic lies in. Otherwise it wouldn’t be interesting.

That said, to an extent, it is hard for me to interact in intimacy with folks that haven’t at least some idea of how it feels to be traumatized and dissociated. Because for "normal" folks, sometimes my actions look like planetary paths written from a geocentric system, that is, stupidly complex and nearly absurd. The reference point isn’t the same, so even my simple regular movements might feel unpredictable.
 

Rorster93

Learning
In attachment theory (I think it’s a bit limited but to some extent, it does describe situations like this pretty well), it is said that people with anxious attachment style (eg clingy ones) tend to match with avoidant attachment styles (eg distant/shutdown ones). This not because they’re drawn to each other magically, but because it self-selects. Someone who isn’t anxious might in fact walk away from an avoidant more easily, and an avoidant might walk away from someone who doesn’t cling. Magic done, here we go. It doesn’t mean that everything is devoted to doom, but one can envision how cyclic and problematic a relationship can be.

Oh well I did find someone who could understand me on the deepest horrible rage… that was not nice. And understanding isn’t something necessarily constant. Understanding isn’t necessarily complicit. I’m more leaning towards people who are willing to accept me even if not understanding everything, even if sometimes I can be very puzzling, even if sometimes, I also fail to even understand myself, at least in real time. And by this I don’t mean accept unacceptable behaviour, but just accept in the essence that even people you know like your dirty socks will keep a part of unbreakable mystery, and that’s actually where the whole magic lies in. Otherwise it wouldn’t be interesting.

That said, to an extent, it is hard for me to interact in intimacy with folks that haven’t at least some idea of how it feels to be traumatized and dissociated. Because for "normal" folks, sometimes my actions look like planetary paths written from a geocentric system, that is, stupidly complex and nearly absurd. The reference point isn’t the same, so even my simple regular movements might feel unpredictable.
The attachment theory makes sense. Sort of like a yin-yang set up. I often feel as tho I am the only one keeping this relationship going because if it were left up to him we would hardly ever communicate or see each other. But at the same time, he allows me and makes room for me, he tries to be accommodating. He's the lock and I'm the key <3 Ok I will spare you from further cringiness.

I never considered understanding not to be constant, like trust is never constant. We will never find someone who can fully understand us neither will we find someone who we can fully understand is very understandable haha!

You're right, our pursuit is moreso for someone to accept us even without understanding. I want that from this guy but his stonewalling has me feeling as tho I don't have room to be human in this relationship. I cannot experience anger or frustration without him taking it personally and not sure if that's ever going to change.

My crystal ball is telling me I will work on my abandonment issues, become more resilient to his stonewalling and more accepting of myself, my imperfections and negative emotions, he gets fed up with me not being happy 24/7 and leaves. I'm willing to give him room to be snooty, but he gives me no room to be aggravating.

If I don't work on my abandonement/trust issues, it will break us. If I work on my abandonment/trust issues, it will either make or break us. So our relationship has a 2/3 chance of being unsuccessful. Hope the attachment theory holds some weight...
 
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