Requesting help for reframing my situation; Doomsday prepper husband.

I am struggling again today. Installed CPT app. It is for ptsd from the VA. I see the issue is my husband is waiting and wanting shtf. I almost died from bacterial meningitis of my brain. These are polar opposites. Very disturbing. My pain is increased today. I cried and am having problems with day to day cleaning and tasks. I am addressing that as well. Something not good occurred with my husband yesterday concerning his parents and 2 brothers. Something I gather is some type of end point, I asked my husband hard questions. Why do you think pain has to be felt? Why does it all have to end? Why do you believe " they" are killing people off? The third he said is a conspiracy theory. The second is because the govt cannot pass any legislation that will help unite. The first is they cannot provide food and housing for everyone, Later I layer down with him and the dogs, needed to feel safe with my dogs, He was watch8ng a movie with violence guns cussing. I was crying he said he was sick ofme and went in the other room. I yelled in tears Why do you have the dogs if shtf? Does shtf occurring make you feel better? Even if you lose me the dogs and all else important to you and you live and sit in a field? He has the ideology of judgement, people deserve what they get, my therapist said yesterday( she works for the VA) many veterans have very negative world views, I got really out of hand here going to do my best to never discuss with him again. My work and my therapy has really begun to restore my thinking. I knew about fear cognitive distortions cognitive dissonance etc before we got together. Oh God, what an ongoing mess, any comments appreciated
 
I see I am in error here. I told him later I had no right to talk to him in the way I did but I could not follow him on his path, I have my own path to follow. I tried a week ago asking him to take over the need for weapons monitoring of threats etc. Not successful. I thanked him repeatedly for doing this as it relieved my stress. Then he started getting angry raising his voice stating it was always hus in the first place. Now I see I did not need this type of protection. Just someone to love me. Not to live in fear with. I am lost. And letting go.
 
I am doing more work on cpt and clear fear app. I am part of the problem. I have discounted all the good from this man and my marriage to him. Another is my cognitive distortions that the neuroscience behind ptsd and its treatment " should?" be used by all with trauma. No one has to do that if they do not want too. I have gotten fixated on him over reacting to something and causing something bad to happen. I have been safe with him almost 4 years. Our bills have been paid. He bought for us the very nice rv we live in with cash. We have no housing or rent on the rv. We have 2 loving pitbulls who are my documented esas. We share in caring for them. We both have had extremes in thinking that need work and care.
 
Today my husband and I talked. Good talk. Things seem to be on a more even keel. However he made this comment. I could have walked away long ago. I am not to blame for your problems. True. However when we met he was told about my trauma. I made it clear repeatedly I did not want to discuss politics follow news ( this was april - May 2020. I was trying my best to keep up with the pandemic and continue learning processing my dysfunctional family dynamics. ) my husband was quite insistent about his beliefs. I do think he realizes his part in this. I would like insight here on why he made this comment. I am working on my part in this. Therapy plus began cpt app a few days ago. This is quite helpful.
 
The book 7 Habits Of Highly Successful People was required reading in my communications course at university. Out of the hundreds of books that were required reading at some point or another in school? That one has just proved useful time, and time, and time, again. In all of my relationships; personal, professional, parenting, academic, legal, civil, list goes on. Most especially? The chapters/sections on how to look for & achieve the win/win, where both/all are getting what we need AND what we want, instead od someone having to lose for someone else to win.

You’ll also find a whole lot of CBT in the book, which can make it a fun “homework” exercise.
 
I continue to work on me. The fear I have will always be there. Buried in my nervous system. That is what trauma does. I will not get better by learning to fire a gun ( like my husband wants me to do). I will not get better if I get so proficient with this weapon that as shtf at the door of our rv I kill 100+ plus people and me my husband and our dogs ( my ESAs) enabling us to survive off grid., Off grid living for me means my supply of anti epileptic.drug runs out . Then comes increased seizure risk and SUDEP. So my next step is to let all this go and live each day to the fullest and in joy.
 
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I have been reflecting on this for last 24 hours. Husband and I yesterday again argument yelling anger etc. The issue I see is he believes in shtf surviving etc. Had expectations I could too etc. My reality is if this occurs my anti epileptic drug runs out my seizure threshold is lowered I have a seizure. And then probable SUDEP. My anniversary of my hospitalizatio for bacterial meningitis of my brain - 10 years- is approaching. 5/7/14 to 5/7/24,. It got so bad yesterday I told him he has won this war I surrender. I also told him he is free to go to Maryland where is daughter is and if shtf I will have procured something to end my life. I am not suicidal. This man loves me I love him he has done much for me. But this really hurts. He has this belief but I must face the reality of my situation if this occurs. Black and white which for the most part I don't think in terms of. This has gone on over and over for 4 years. And my 10 year anniversary is approaching, I have a plaque that says she beloved she could so she did picked out. I also have found a paw print turquoise ring to purchase. I love my dogs. This dichotomy is awful.
 
Many days I have lost ability to speak much to him express affection. He calls or talks to his brother about how bad the world situation is. I get in bed hold my dogs and cry.
 
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