I think I'm starting to go from being so afraid of confrontation I wouldn't even say boo if someone tried to murder me, to becoming a real bitch sometimes. A pain in the ass too.. :D
Appointment nr.x(had so many now):
M: I had a flashback this Saturday from that event when I was 21
T: But we have already completed the work on that stuff
He just said that and went on to other stuff, and I sat there and felt very confused and lonely since we actually hadn't done any work at all on this memory, other than talk a little bit about it once(leaving me very badly dissociated that time). Next appointment:
M: I've been angry with you and confused since the last time I saw you
T: (looking a bit chocked and scared..?): Oh, why?
M: Well there are three different things. *pulling out my dairy where I write in a point list if I have things to bring up: and his look when he saw my diary, knowing what that means was just priceless!* Firstly. You told me that we were done with a memory we haven't even worked with, and I have a lot of flashbacks from right now.
T: Oh, but that was not what I meant. Of course we will work with that.
(Later in the session.)
M: But why did you say we had worked our way through that memory, when we haven't? It makes me feel like you want to get rid of me as soon as possible.
T: No I don't. I guess I sort of mixed it all up, and thought we had done EMDR on that already, but we haven't right?
M: No, we haven't.
T: Well, then of course we will work with that. Maybe we should just say that the last session was crap, that everything was crap?
M: Hey. You tell me to give you feedback when I feel that you've done something that didn't feel okay for me, but then when I do you do that, say that everything was crap. Why do you do that??
T: *avoiding my question by talking about other stuff*
It didn't make me feel safe that he took the criticism so badly, and it made me confused to think about it afterwards. The session previous to that one felt like a good one to me in so many ways, but he did a couple of strange things I tried to sort out with him. So this, the third session in a row with the same topic sort of, I started with:
M: You know, the last time you said that the session before that was all crap? Did you feel like it was all crap? I mean I didn't.
T: Did I say that?
M: Yes you did.
T: Maybe I was just having one of those days..
M: Shouldn't you as a therapist be capabel of taking criticism?
T: Who likes being criticized? (With a restrained smile.)
M: Maybe you have chosen the wrong profession when you have such a hard time with handling criticism? Isn't that a part of being a therapist, getting a lot of criticism?
T: *a strange look on his face, but being calm and smiling a bit* Don't say that..
M: Or is this exactly the reason you did become a therapist, because you thought you would be in a position where you would not have to take criticism? What a mistake in that case.. *almost laughing out loud* No, sorry! I will stop here and try to behave.
T: *at first not saying anything at all, but restraining his smile and having a strange look on his face* Have we sorted out everything from the previous session now or is there something left to sort out?
M: Yes, we have. No there's nothing left to sort out.
It felt good that he actually didn't get provoked by me. I think he sort out of blocked what I was saying out. :D But it felt good that he could stand the pressure and didn't start talking about "everything being crap" again. :) I do like my therapist a lot though.. He just have a hard time being such a perfectionist! And it's a bit ironic since he tells me over and over again that he want to help me stop being so judgmental towards my self.. :D :hilarious:
