Retraining my brain to believe "Nothing I do justifies poor treatment"

[EntWife]

I'm just now realizing that when I'm upset with someone I'm terrified she/he will do something un-fixable to our relationship. And I'm realizing it's because of experiences like the first time I caught my soon-to-be-stalker ex-BF cheating his exact reaction was, "you got upset with me before I did it so I didn't think you'd mind." I know it's also been perpetuated by friends/relatives who were having a hard time and, because of that, felt justified in treating everyone around them (including me) poorly.

I'm working hard to undo this ridiculous idea. Because no matter WHAT I do it DOESN'T justify someone treating me poorly! And, really, anyone who treats me poorly is better as an ex (ex-BF, ex-BFF, ex-sister-I-never-had, etc.).

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm confused. So if you come over and act abusively towards me, and I tell you to get out of my house, you didn't deserve that? I think I get what you are saying, but it doesn't pan out for me at this stage. Could you explain more what you mean. If you don't want to, that's ok too, just trying to understand.

 

[EveHarrington]

To me it sounds like you’re swinging to extremes. I think that while each of us are responsible for our own actions, if I act out in some way, another person may react to me.....we may be treating each other poorly, but at the end of the day we are all human and far from perfect (and still love each other).

It sounds like you want to throw away everyone who doesn’t always treat you well, 24/7, which may result in you being alone.

I wouldn’t be so quick to throw people away who are going through a rough time and lashing out. Distance may be in order, but just remember, at some point you may very well lash out in pain, anger, etc, and you don’t want everyone to walk away when you need support.

 

[EntWife]

This is the mantra I've adopted to protect myself from people who blame me for treating me poorly (see "blame shifting" with personality disorders).

Examples: when I discovered my ex cheated the first time he said, "I didn't think you'd mind because you were mad at me that day" (so now I'm afraid to be mad at my spouse because he might cheat if I am), or when a therapist asked me what I was doing that made him think it was okay to sneak into my house and listen to my conversations, or when the police confronted him about him stalking me and carving my name into one of his assault rifles and he said I was the one stalking him.

Not to be confused with "its not okay to set boundaries with me" (as in the rude house guest example).

Nothing I could do would justify someone cheating on, stalking, verbally/psychologically abusing, or harassing me - I have to stop blaming myself for the times that people do these things!

 

[blackemerald1]

I discovered my ex cheated the first time

sneak into my house and listen to my conversations,

stalking me and carving my name into one of his assault rifles

I was the one stalking him.

^It seems it's the same person doing the bad stuff here? Your ex? I agree cheating, breaking into your home, stalking & blaming you for his behaviour are not ok. But they have never been ok. I don't know of anyone that would be happy with that sort of behaviour from an ex.

So I'd agree with you regarding your ex.

Do you have some professional support? Doctor, therapist etc... because this sort of behaviour is very unsettling and having help right now might steady things for you.

Obviously the Police are involved so they seem to know that it doesn't matter what his excuse is, he's not allowed to break the law.

 

[EntWife]

^It seems it's the same person doing the bad stuff here? Your ex? I agree cheating, breaking into your home, stalking & blaming you for his behaviour are not ok. But they have never been ok. I don't know of anyone that would be happy with that sort of behaviour from an ex.

So I'd agree with you regarding your ex.

Do you have some professional support? Doctor, therapist etc... because this sort of behaviour is very unsettling and having help right now might steady things for you.

Obviously the Police are involved so they seem to know that it doesn't matter what his excuse is, he's not allowed to break the law.

Yup - I have a great therapist who I've been seeing for a while.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Oh, I thought you were making a blanket statement. In this case yes, your behavior does not give anyone permission to treat you badly, or claim it was your fault. You can only control what you do, not what they do.