Last year this time I was slipping down the cliff. I would pull myself up some and then slip even further. Work had been difficult. I couldn't concentrate. I would find myself just staring at the monitor wondering what I was doing. We were short handed, a hiring freeze was in place and work kept pilling up. I was loosing ground. I was also going through a divorce from an abusive husband, having to move and live on my own for the first time, I was having so many PTSD symptoms I couldn't handle them. For the first time, I was really struggling at work. Even when I had a plan to take my life in 2009 I was still out preforming 80% of the team. Now that was no longer true. March 11th I received my review which was below average. I have never, in my 29 years of work, ever received a below average. I was devastated! My doctor told me to take the next day off. I went back to work on Friday continuing to struggle.
The following Monday 3/16 I was called into my managers office right before the end of the day. You know when you get called into the office at the end of your shift it's not good. I was given a verbal warning with 7 goals I was to improve upon immediately. Now if I could improve immediately don't you think I would already be doing it! I was told this warning was to be put into my file. I left that day hysterical. As I was going to my truck my best friend called me. I could barely talk. She met me at my truck and I was unable to stop sobbing. She later told me that I had really scared her because she had never seen me liked that.
She contacted my sister who called my psychiatrist. He called me. You need to understand that he has only done this 2 other times in the 6 years I have been seeing him. I don't call him. We have a safety plan in place so he is my last contact if all else fails. He told me not to go back to work that he was placing me on short term disability. On my plan, if approved, I have up to 180 days. Here it is 4 months later and I am still out on disability. I have 2 months before having to go back. I'm terrified! I go back on a verbal warning. After they have seen the mess my work was I'm afraid I will receive a written warning or possibly fired. Working in my career there is always a question about being fired for work performance. Work was the only area in my life that I excelled at.
One of my friends is my team lead. She had come over and asked if I was looking for a different job. I hadn't because I was so concerned with leaving the team even more short staffed. I didn't think it was right. She said that maybe I should start looking. That this job, even though I had done well in the past, is not the best job for me. During our visit she said that twice. I don't know if she knows something and can't tell me because she is my team lead. My other three friends also think I need to look for a different job. My Psychiatrist knows how scared I am about going back. I told him I can't go back. What if I can't handle the work load and loose it again. He agreed that staying in that position is not the best thing for me. My problem is that if I leave work while on Short Term Disability I can be held responsible for paying them back for my heath insurance during this time. I am also unable to switch positions while on disability and on a warning.
I am at a loss for what I should do. Do I suck it up and go back to prevent owing them money possible jeopardizing my mental health ? Should I look for another job? I realize I have another two months off but I am so frighten to go back and then not be able to handle the work and in a worse state than I already am. Return or not to return that is my quandary.
The following Monday 3/16 I was called into my managers office right before the end of the day. You know when you get called into the office at the end of your shift it's not good. I was given a verbal warning with 7 goals I was to improve upon immediately. Now if I could improve immediately don't you think I would already be doing it! I was told this warning was to be put into my file. I left that day hysterical. As I was going to my truck my best friend called me. I could barely talk. She met me at my truck and I was unable to stop sobbing. She later told me that I had really scared her because she had never seen me liked that.
She contacted my sister who called my psychiatrist. He called me. You need to understand that he has only done this 2 other times in the 6 years I have been seeing him. I don't call him. We have a safety plan in place so he is my last contact if all else fails. He told me not to go back to work that he was placing me on short term disability. On my plan, if approved, I have up to 180 days. Here it is 4 months later and I am still out on disability. I have 2 months before having to go back. I'm terrified! I go back on a verbal warning. After they have seen the mess my work was I'm afraid I will receive a written warning or possibly fired. Working in my career there is always a question about being fired for work performance. Work was the only area in my life that I excelled at.
One of my friends is my team lead. She had come over and asked if I was looking for a different job. I hadn't because I was so concerned with leaving the team even more short staffed. I didn't think it was right. She said that maybe I should start looking. That this job, even though I had done well in the past, is not the best job for me. During our visit she said that twice. I don't know if she knows something and can't tell me because she is my team lead. My other three friends also think I need to look for a different job. My Psychiatrist knows how scared I am about going back. I told him I can't go back. What if I can't handle the work load and loose it again. He agreed that staying in that position is not the best thing for me. My problem is that if I leave work while on Short Term Disability I can be held responsible for paying them back for my heath insurance during this time. I am also unable to switch positions while on disability and on a warning.
I am at a loss for what I should do. Do I suck it up and go back to prevent owing them money possible jeopardizing my mental health ? Should I look for another job? I realize I have another two months off but I am so frighten to go back and then not be able to handle the work and in a worse state than I already am. Return or not to return that is my quandary.
