Revelation About My Anger

[WillyKat]

Last weekend, I went out on a three-day solo wilderness thing. Sort of a trial run for a more full scale vision quest I want to do later this summer.

Anyway, while on the way there and after I got back, I had two revelations about my bouts of anger and rage:

- When I get angry, I get angry at someone and its always because they won't just change. I guess I'm assuming its like a switch they can just turn off. The revelation is that its really about me: *I* can't turn the switch and fix my issues. It's anger that comes from frustration that changes are so small and take so long.

- The reason it comes out as anger and not polite words has everything to do with being trapped when I was little. I couldn't speak about it, I couldn't go very far away to escape. I had to ride the bus with him every day to school and in the summer he was right across the road. All my frustration, anger--let's face it, that's all fear--had to be bottled up, held in check, until I could not contain it. And its not much different now: I can't yell at my wife, I can't yell at work, not in public...so I bottle it up.

I realize that I don't have to bottle it up; I can just express it!

Easier said than done, mind you. I'm an old dog trying to learn a new trick.

 

[Jacnic]

Well done, WillyKat! Recognizing and acknowledging what is going on, is a huge part of making progress with what is happening.
Jac

 

[The Albatross]

Learning how to express it without adding consequences was and sometimes still is difficult for me. It is like ride a solar flare at times. I try to pause and do a fast risk assessment first because once I take the lid off, it can get out of hand and cause me and those around me more angst and trouble.

Good realizations and observations. I always wanted to go on a desert vision quest. I loved the desert when I was a child. At one point I had a solo trip planned to Bryce, Zion, the Valley of Fire, and the Petrified Forest. But life happened. It's not off the table but it's a fair stretch that I'll be able to go.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

How do you express it though? Sometimes I get angry in random places and I can't really tell these strangers that I'm really angry at them :P Well I could, but I don't think I would feel better, neither would they...

Respect for going on a solo wilderness trip, sound really adventurous. Back in Spain I used to wander off unknown places too to get my thoughs togheter. @Albatross it would be awesome if you could go. Maybe you can find something nearer to your place?

 

[WillyKat]

I've been going on solo treks many years. When I was little, I went "out back" to the very end of our property, about 19 acres or so. It was the farthest away from *him* I could get, though at the time I didn't think like that (I was repressing all memory).

Back in the mid 90s, I started going on wilderness backpacking treks by myself, sometimes for a week, usually in the Sierras of Calif. but not always. The last few years, I have not done much of this partly because I've had some health issues.

Why do I do that? Well, its the only time I feel safe from deceit, mean people, shame. There are certainly dangers out there, but they are honest dangers. The mountain lion or bear won't come along and say "hey, wanna see something cool? Right over here, come on, it'll be fun!" (The likelihood of being injured by wild animal is far less than traffic accidents, the family dog, the gun in the house, by the way.)

This fall, I'm planning a five or six day vision quest: a couple of days to drive, hike in, set up camp, then two days or so fasting or fishing for whatever food I get, then two days to just be.

 

[safenow]

(The likelihood of being injured by wild animal is far less than traffic accidents, the family dog, the gun in the house, BTW.)
This fall, I'm planning a five or six day vision quest: a couple of days to drive, hike in, set up camp, then two days or so fasting or fishing for whatever food I get, then two days to just be.

I need to do that so badly. I miss going up to the rocky mountains for a week or two of just me and nature. Being around people sucks for me. I was a feral child, and humans have scared me for as long as I can remember. And believe me, there is good reason to be scared of them. Even now, and I'm an old, old lady.

safenow.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I keep thinking more and more about taking a solo trip... I think I need to get in better shape first! But, it's definitely a goal of mine.

 

[WillyKat]

Wilderness always works for me. Safenow, go for it.

John Muir once said "For every unfortunate it kills, it cures a thousand."