I've admitted about my almost- attempt and trauma in anger

[SeekingAfrica]

I was getting frustrated of having the same fight over and over- how come I was handed everything but I can't be successful like others, how come I'm getting depressed so much and what reason do I have? (mother mostly). I was sure I'd never say anything about my childhood and all or the desire/plan for attempt in the spring before I got help.

But I'm not in a good place mentally and in bout of anger I blurted a lot of it. And when I got annoyed that the response was ignoring it and calmly making lunch, I said it in more detail. But once again my mother told me 'not to torture my father with this as well' with this information. I told her it's beyond my comprehention how I can always listen to their emotional; and physical issues since I was a kid but the moment I have an issue that isn't practical t's ignored. I told her that I was close to going in hospital and it was that bad. I told her something happened as a child not better than what she'd been through (in fact much worse but oh well). Chickened out of the rest.

But still, her solution to be doing 'normal' still seems to be just doing the daily things and keep moving- isn't it obvious that is how people end up with ' I thought he was doing okay, I'm not sure what happened after?" thing? I'm aware that routines and habits and functioning helps a lot, but if things are really bad it's not enough, how is that not understood? You can fake it til you make it if you're mildly depressed and that isn't the case. I told her, how much effort it's taken me these months to get to therapy and meds and normal functioning state (sort of) and I'm still not doing great sometimes, namely now. And I want to be independent, I'd give anything, but I need help to get to thtat state.

All this was barely acknowledged, I was given an hour to gather myself and my emotionals before I work on the work I have, and still expected to cook today (when any time my mom has an off night she asks us if we would be okay doing whatever we want for dinner and we never complain.
It's not fair. Yes I'm an adult. But also yes, in April I should have been inpatient and I'm still largely working on being a normal human. It's not fair that none of it is seen even when I spell it out. I'm SO ANGRY, and that on a week when I am so far from imagining future I am counting the days one by one. It feels BRUTAL to be regarded in that way. Maybe it was stupid to expect more.

One and only thing I'm happy about is that this whole thing is out there, at least the April part, and I don't have to always pretend everything is perfect and cool.
But still, this whole interraction was draining.

 

[Friday]

But I'm not in a good place mentally and in bout of anger I blurted a lot of it. And when I got annoyed that the response was ignoring it and calmly making lunch, I said it in more detail. But once again my mother told me 'not to torture my father with this as well' with this information. I told her it's beyond my comprehention how I can always listen to their emotional; and physical issues since I was a kid but the moment I have an issue that isn't practical t's ignored. I told her that I was close to going in hospital and it was that bad. I told her something happened as a child not better than what she'd been through (in fact much worse but oh well). Chickened out of the rest.

Something crazy common with disclosing trauma to other people with trauma histories? Total. Non-chalance. The nod. Okay, then. Want a sandwich, beer, smoke, tea, noodles, whisky, to go for a run, help me rake the yard, whatever other totally normal thing I happen to have on hand, or activity to do?

People without trauma histories tend to do the huge emotional displays. Either shoved at you …OMFG! What can I do?!? Are you okay?!? What do you need?!? Why didn’t I know this?!? How could you have kept this from me?!? Does ABCXYZ know?!? Tell me, talk to me, let me in!!! …or… Crushing inwards on themselves (the collapsing, wailing, pulling out their hair, crying, rocking back and forth, and all the various versions in between).

People with trauma histories, unless it’s very fresh, or are in crisis themselves? Are nearly always extremely careful about not shoving their emotions at you, either blasting you with them, or making you comfort them. Even if they explode/implode later in private? It’s some sort of base level “I understand” that dealing with one’s own emotions is hard enough, dealing with other peoples emotions? Impossible.

But once again my mother told me 'not to torture my father with this as well' with this information.

Painful though it is? It’s good advice, unless you want him weighing in. Never tell a man a problem, unless you want him to attempt to solve it (with or without your approval or input)…

…and are prepared for BIG emotional displays, in often unexpected / seemingly nonsensical ways. Women get the reputation for being emotional, but I think that’s just because men are so off the charts that they keep their emotions locked down to avoid prison.

Maybe telling your father would create a source of strength/support for you, that your mother cannot meet. The two of you know him best. She thinks it’s a bad idea, but what might be a bad idea for her, might not be for you. I would seriously consider it, before going ahead, though.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Are nearly always extremely careful about not shoving their emotions at you

THAT I understand. But she didn't support me by trying to lighten the mood. The moment things were mentioned she just proceeded to not talk to me. I HAVE plenty of trauma and I always listens when she complains about what they go through. I've done it since I was 6. I don't expect over the top reaction, but perhaps an acknowledgement that I'm speaking would be good?
If I can listen to their big issues for years, even listen about all traumatic that has happened to her for years, why am I not allowed the same curtecy?

Also I got to a point I didn't say more about my grandfather, but admitted I was close to an attempt in April and should have been in hospital.
Didn't get a response until I asked for one. Still was very short one of the sort 'you must push through such feelings.because it's how it is in life.'
Why can I listen to her for 2 years about my GRANDFATHER, but she can't do half an hour?

We both took afternoon break and continued the day. I expected something later and when nothing was mentioned, at least on the depression part, I wanted to talk. I've been called lazy and told everyone is depressed for years, and I wanted her to acknowledge that sometimes there is depressed as what she means and depressed as what I went through and sometimes still do. Ended up with 2 hours of yelling, I was called manipul;ative, unappreciative of them supporting me (occasionally mini-helping with money and saying that I must push through the feeling). I told her I appreciate that but want her to recognize the situation and stop thinking that the way to motivate me is telling me I have no other choice or everyone is depressed. I just wanted her to tell me it's okay to have a bad day, that it's okay that I'm going through this and I can get through it, that I can talk about what I'm going through without it being dismissed.

I was basically called manipulative for telling her it is this bad, calling her a bad mother and being ungreatful even with explaining that is not what I was trying to do.
Maybe, just maybe she will get things are serious now. I wonder if the price was worth it, because now I do feel like the worst person ever for bursting their bubble of me being lazy and not know why I don't succeed. By the way in all the yelling, my grandfather was never ever mentioned again, not sure she's ready to hear that.

I was already super depressed. I now feel way worse about who I am as a person TO DO THIS TO HER.
I was just tired of lying for years. Blew up in my face though.
Not even sure I want to be here tomorrow and that's not an option, as if I didn't have enough issues right now.
I just wanted support, not world war in my home. It makes me want to retract back in my pretending shell too.

It’s good advice, unless you want him weighing in

It might be. He tends to take her side and after her opinion of me dropped this low, I'm not sure I can handle more.
But the fact that I can handle any issue they have, but my issues are 'torture' was sort of low.

 

[Ecdysis]

I think the single hardest thing for me to accept in trauma therapy was that my parents were neglectful, selfish idiots when I was a kid and that nothing was going to make them change - no declaration of trauma by me or anything - and they were going to remain neglectful, selfish idiots for the rest of their lives and that there will be no resolution andno happy ever after for us.

As others have said tho, breaking your silence can be good for you. You don't have to be considerate and walk on eggshells because they are neglectful, selfish idiots.

 

[scout86]

I was in the middle of writing a long post to say what @Ecdysis just said way better.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

my parents were neglectful, selfish idiots when I was a kid and that nothing was going to make them change - no declaration of trauma by me or anything

Yes, it's hard coming to terms with something like that.
I've lived so many years thinking I'm sparing their feelings. That my silence bought their peace in a way. It's extremely hard to accept that even if I didn't say everything, I said a lot more than even before. That I admitted to almost wanting to give up, to having plans, to scaring everyone besides them. And it was still met with that level of ignorance.

I'm not sure if I started a world war, or another thing that will be swept under the rug, like anything else in life wth them.
She knows now why I have times I couldn't work, and still told me, after last year and the way I didn't always achieve she can't trust me that anything would change.
How about recognising right now isn't about trust and grand plans, but about me getting and staying healthier? Or that the effort I've put to NOT end up in a hospital, to take meds, and do therapy, and get healthy on my own when I was close to doing something stupid was a big deal?

My best friend said something like you but in a different way. That yesterday wasn't about my mother and her reaction but about me taking this step forward and it was still the right one. My brain is still trying to compute that.

As others have said tho, breaking your silence can be good for you. You don't have to be considerate and walk on eggshells because they are neglectful, selfish idiots.

THAT is the one thing I'm grateful about this morning however I feel. I said my peace- at least some of it.
No more pretending I'm fantastic when I can barely get out of bed. Doesn't mean they should know everything, but it does mean no more walking on eggshells and pretending.

But unexpectedly, although I slept early and woke on no alarm, I'm beyond drained. Everything hurts, my muscles, my brain. I'm just over it. I've put all I had in being diplomatic. I NEVER yell, and yesterday I did for half a day, Besides that then I had to change trip details twice, which meant recalibrating big time EVERYTHING twice, and then dealing with updating the people that need to know(like my landlord) and updating people that are waiting on payments, and cancelling and rescheduling appointments....
It became VERY obvious yesterday I can't expect much support and I have to handle my getting better on my own. Which may need drastic work changes I wasn't ready to make few weeks ago. I might be now. And this time, to try to be realistic with what I can do given my mental health.

BUT making any other plan today is a no-go. I just can't.
I worked a little, but so much information was passed through and negotiated and debated and explained. I have no space for more.
My throat hurts, my muscles hurt, everything hurts. I haven't done much today, but in a way, I HAVE.

And I can't give up on myself because my parents don't recognize a problem unless it's practical, obvious and unavoidable.
I can't put myself down because they want to see me a certain way.
I always thought our relationship strain was partly my fault for never being honest.
I was honest now, to the best of my ability and it wasn't enough.
I am EXHAUSTED and I need to recuperate tonight before resetting goals and plans.

Thank you all for sharing valuable experience when it comes to those matters. IT WAS NEEDED.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I feel like this whole experience changes something fundamental about who I am/ have been.
I lived years with this guilt that managing my condition in secret has made my parents who they are towards me. The manipulation, the lack of understanding, the desire to control made worse by the lack of answers they were getting from me.

Turns out they were who they were and sharing something so deeply painful that should have gotten me closer to them, is only making the drift bigger.
They are who they are. I am who I am. I may never get what I need from them no matter how many truths are spoken, but I refuse to be quiet anymore for their sake. I am who I am.

If they don't understand why I struggle while I still try chasing my dreams, that's on them.
If they don't understand that not everything can be fixed by splashing your face with cold water and moving forward, that's on them.
I'm not weak for having to work while being this depressed. Or weak for seeking help while I do so. I'm fighting a battle. If they can't see it now, they won't see it later.
They gave me what they could growing up and for that I owe them. They left me in the care of people who hurt me knowing they had history of abuse. I will not blame them. But them refusing to listen to me, to why it matters what happened as a child, even if I heal, that just means they won't see. Thinking that the right response to having plans to not wake up is that we are all depressed and if I'm speaking about this as if she hasn't done everything for me to not 'be this way'.... I'm ungreatful and calling her not my mother...They won't be there, they won't understand. It's hard to swallow. One day they will know everything I still didn't say, but it will be for me, not them.
If they'd like to critize, so be it. My battle has just begun, and this is a distraction I don't have time for.

It's hard thing to swallow. I've had so much guilt so long.
Like I was the reason my mother changed over the years. My choices, my illness, my shortcomings. My fault.
I wasn't the reason. Years of guilt and I wasn't the reason.
Funny how truth and healing work. Not always the way you expect.

 

[Movingforward10]

I totally feel everything you are saying as I recently told my sister a very broad outline of the sexual trauma I had as a child. And her response has been appalling. Total lack of empathy. Can't hear it. Won't hear it. Tells me who is responsible. Says I can "put it behind me". Doesn't ask how I am, how I was, nothing about me. Everything about how my parents weren't to blame.

So I get how you feel. The total lack of space for you. The total lack of space for your feelings, your experience, the impact it had. No empathy. No support.

It's a very hard pill to swallow.
But I am glad you know this is not a reflection of you. But a total reflection of them
And look at what you have accomplished for yourself, despite all these obsitcles put in your way and this emotional neglect from your family.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Doesn't ask how I am, how I was, nothing about me. Everything about how my parents weren't to blame.

I'm sorry you went through this too. It's devastating not being heard not because you say nothing but because of those who are supposed to listen.

So I get how you feel. The total lack of space for you. The total lack of space for your feelings, your experience, the impact it had. No empathy. No support.

That is exactly it. Can't convince them that there is something they should be doing beyond physical things. And if they do those then they have done their job and you're ungrateful.

And look at what you have accomplished for yourself, despite all these obsitcles put in your way and this emotional neglect from your family.

Thank you. For a first time I'm trying to accept that my situation is as it is and they have no hold on that, and I have no guilt in not being the golden child to save them out of their situation. I didn't choose being abused, or having mental health issues to cope with. Just because they expected I would 'save them' doesn't mean it's how life works.

Now I get to be who I am and work with that without the guilt that they don't know. They know, and it will never be enough, so I may as well make sure I work on my path. Take care of my own mental health, not just the physical. Work on building my independence, not relying on anyone(one day, working on that). As they should have on theirs.

I used to always feel this pressure to meet their expectations when I visit, so much so that I'd rattle all my hard-earned balance in mental health and life. Up until now. Every time. The guilt, the critisizm, it gave me hives just planning to come. I refuse to carry that guilt anymore. They failted me, not just the other way around.
So it's on them. Regardless. I'm still processing and it's so tough to make my peace with. I'm working on it.

 

[Mach123]

Something crazy common with disclosing trauma to other people with trauma histories? Total. Non-chalance. The nod. Okay, then. Want a sandwich, beer, smoke, tea, noodles, whisky, to go for a run, help me rake the yard, whatever other totally normal thing I happen to have on hand, or activity to do?

People without trauma histories tend to do the huge emotional displays. Either shoved at you …OMFG! What can I do?!? Are you okay?!? What do you need?!? Why didn’t I know this?!? How could you have kept this from me?!? Does ABCXYZ know?!? Tell me, talk to me, let me in!!! …or… Crushing inwards on themselves (the collapsing, wailing, pulling out their hair, crying, rocking back and forth, and all the various versions in between).

People with trauma histories, unless it’s very fresh, or are in crisis themselves? Are nearly always extremely careful about not shoving their emotions at you, either blasting you with them, or making you comfort them. Even if they explode/implode later in private? It’s some sort of base level “I understand” that dealing with one’s own emotions is hard enough, dealing with other peoples emotions? Impossible.


Painful though it is? It’s good advice, unless you want him weighing in. Never tell a man a problem, unless you want him to attempt to solve it (with or without your approval or input)…

…and are prepared for BIG emotional displays, in often unexpected / seemingly nonsensical ways. Women get the reputation for being emotional, but I think that’s just because men are so off the charts that they keep their emotions locked down to avoid prison.

Maybe telling your father would create a source of strength/support for you, that your mother cannot meet. The two of you know him best. She thinks it’s a bad idea, but what might be a bad idea for her, might not be for you. I would seriously consider it, before going ahead, though.

This is a good thread and appropriate because I’m going to approach therapy again and so I have to talk about it with someone I don’t know or even multiple someones. I know it has to be a “trauma therapist” however which is addressed in this post. There is so much here lol. What’s it going to do to the person saying it? Hearing it? What reaction is going to take place, what fallout? My initial trauma therapist told me I’d become nonchalant. I’m afraid that hasn’t been my experience.

 

[Weemie]

Never tell a man a problem, unless you want him to attempt to solve it (with or without your approval or input)…

Me and my own mother used to get into conflict about this. She'd be like "I'm sad!" and I'd be like,"what do you want me to do about it?/why are you telling me?" I didn't quite grasp that she was seeking emotional support, not a solution to the problem.

Based in how your mother has already reacted, if it were me I would not see the purpose in continuing to seek something from her that she doesn't understand you need and isn't capable of giving.

She doesn't get it, and telling her or your father more intimate/private details of your life won't change the outcome. They'll respond to it the same way they've always responded to things - presumably by minimizing it.

If it were me, I'd write this off and simply tell her the discussion is over. If she decides to learn better interpersonal skills someday then you can revisit it. Not everyone is able to offer the unconditional, non-judgmental, non-equational ("solving") answers that some folks need.

But to be fair to them, learning to just let people vent and validate their frustrations is a more advanced social skill. They just aren't there and might never get there.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

But to be fair to them, learning to just let people vent and validate their frustrations is a more advanced social skill. They just aren't there and might never get there.

Well, it's my parents and they are retired, so at that age change is much harder too.

I am trying to balance out something between not hiding so much from them about my health, whilst protecting myself from their reactions and not getting so caught up on what they are like, trying to accept it.

One way or another, the last 6 weeks I'm thrown from a crisis to crisis to crisis and so currently I'm dealing with avoiding eviction and finding work, hence- all the family stuff will sit a while before I have to contemplate them again. Which might be good for perspective.