General Room-Mate Has PTSD

[laxster]

Hi everyone,

I am grateful to come across this website. I am having some issues with my room-mate who has PTSD due to an event that occurred about 10 years ago. This past weekend we had people over to the house, and a friend-of-a-friend brought weed over and decided to smoke it. While I did not partake, I am guilty by association because it happened through one of my invitees, and I was around when it happened. I hadn't thought it was that big of a deal, to be honest.

However, my room-mate with PTSD started raging at me over it. I profusely apologized, kicked the offending people out, and have been trying to "make good". I spoke with the others I am living with and they forgave me because sometimes crazy things happen that are beyond our control.

My roommate refuses to deal with this like an adult. I couldn't understand why he was acting so visceral about this until I remembered he had PTSD. I started reading more about it and it helps explain why he's acting like he is, but I have no idea what to do to make things better. He says this is "unforgivable".

I am beginning to wonder if I need to let it blow over and let him come to me if he wants to talk about it? I just hate awkward living situations.

So, I extend the question to this community in hope that I can better understand what is going on here and how I can attempt resolve this issue.

 

[TLight]

Seems to me that unless the trauma included something to do with weed or 'druggies'........he is just setting a pretty strong boundary that he doesn't want that type of people or doings in his environment. The anger he is displaying probably is a bit extreme, as when anger comes up for 'us' sufferers, it tends to be out of proportion.

I'd leave it alone and just keep respecting his wishes. If his trauma had something to do with drugs, etc........then the anger is obvious. If not, it's still an overreaction that accompanies PTSD.

Just give him his space and make him feel safe that that sort of thing will never happen again and let it go. He'll start to feel safer after a while if you keep respecting his boundaries.

 

[amethist]

Hi laxter

You are probably best leaving it until your room mate comes to you about this.

PTSD does make sufferers over react sometimes, even if his has no connection to drugs it could be that he did not like it's use before so now he react stronger than he would have done in the past.

Hope this helps a bit.

Amethist

 

[laxster]

Well, about a year ago he went sober and stopped using alcohol, caffeine, and anything else that could possibly alter his state of consciousness. I don't know if marijuana was a part of that.

When it was occuring, he went ballistic at me, and I received this glare from him that scared me to my inner core - I've never seen someone's eyes look the way they did. He's taking this very personally, as if it's something I did TO HIM.

In college I took several classes about ADHD, and some of the symptoms of ADHD remind me of what he does, particularly in regards to over-reactions. He always seems up-tight and on-edge.

And now my explanation of what happened, apologies, etc. mean absolutely nothing. I sincerely want to put this behind us, but he won't let it go. I have a hard time of seeing how this is "unforgivable". After reading about PTSD, I can only imagine that a lot of this has to do with complications regarding the PTSD.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

It is possible that having the drugs around reminded your roommate of his/her trauma - creating a trigger - which would explain the reaction. It's also possible that your roommate has self-medicated with drugs in the past and has made the decision to not do that any longer - having the drugs around would have been very difficult for him/her in this case. There are alot of reasons why the reaction would have been this way - and pushing for a reason will only make your roommate withdraw more.

Boundaries are essential to those of us with PTSD - regardless of if they make sense to our loved ones, friends or roommates.

You have apologized, you have agreed to not put your roommate in this situation again, there is really nothing else you can do. I know that it is difficult to live in a stressful / tense situation but you need to respect your roommates right to deal with this however he/she needs too.

I agree with TLight, it may take your roommate a while to trust that the boundaries that are expected can be respected. With time, hopefully the anger will go away. In the meantime, I would leave it alone and let him/her come to you when ready.

I also would refrain from discussing this further with your other roommates - I would hate for your roommate with PTSD to overhear it and assume that you are talking about him/her - making them much less likely to trust you.

You are a good friend for being so concerned and for reaching out for advice.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I know that before I started working on my PTSD, if something pissed me off, I was like a dog with a bone. I couldn't stop, couldn't let it go, and could not for the life of me, walk away from it.......

I think the best thing for you, is to just let it go, even if your roommate can't.....Sooner or later things will calm down and possibly THEN you can discuss it.. But NOW is not the time......

 

[laxster]

I was talking with a friend of mine who was an Army Ranger and suffers from PTSD. His advice to me is to MOVE. I don't want to rush into anything, but if this doesn't resolve itself, I have no other choice. It's unhealthy for both of us.

It may be the only thing I can do to keep both he and myself sane.

 

[anthony]

PTSD can be volatile at the best of times... and the biggest issue is not you, but him. If he doesn't want resolve, then nothing you say or do will change his state of mind. I agree that if this person doesn't want to forgive and get on with life, then moving is likely a better option because they will just get more angry because they cannot let it go, nor are willing to discuss it like adults to get that resolve.

 

[On the Outside Looking In]

Sounds like your roommate is raging. I use to rage a lot more than I do now, and my rages use to be about things that didn't seem to have anything to do with my C-PTSD. The rages use to be a lot more volatile, extreme, and lengthy. For me it was all about safety and knowing what to expect. If I had thought things were one way (such as NO drugs in the house), and I found out that something happened (pot being smoked in the house I live in) that leads me to believe that things aren't the way that I expected. In my case, I would have went into a full blown rage.

I would have probably raged at whoever I thought was responsible for this violation.

I would have raged over the loss of my sense of safety in knowing what to expect in my home. It would have been awful.

I would have said things at the time that I meant , such as "unforgivable", but once I calmed down I would have been able to think more rationally and wonder if it really was "unforgivable". But I still would have been defensive. Sometimes I denied doing anything wrong and found reasons WHY I raged to make it seem okay and justified that I had raged. Raging at another person is NEVER okay, no matter how understandable it is that the person is raging or why it is occurring.

Back in my more volatile days -and truthfully volatile can still happen to me- it might have taken me more than a few days to "get over it". Actually it could take me weeks or even months to fully recover from a full blown rage. Depending on the depth of your friendship with your roommate, your level of tolerance, your level of patience, and your own personal circumstances, the decision to move out or to stay will be made based on these things.

Off the top of my head, I would give it a few more days before deciding anything.

The irony of PTSD rages is that they are often directed at the people we trust and care about the most (but not always). When family, friends, and peers would pull back from me when I raged, I then felt abandoned by the same people I raged at. This just added to my suffering. Now my close family and my roommate work with me to avoid potential rages, and if rages do occur, we work to minimize their length, severity, and affects on me and them.

Hope this helps. Peace!

 

[laxster]

Thanks for the responses. Especially "On the Outside Looking In". You've given it a very personal feeling I can understand.

Ultimately, I decided to let my roommate know that I will be moving out in a couple weeks. I didn't want to let him know what my reasoning was, or why, since he seems to be unable to discuss anything with a mature attitude. While everyone else in the house has moved on, he is still lording over it. If that's how he chooses to act, he doesn't need my money paying for his mortgage anymore. My level of tolerance is pretty low at this point in my life - over the course of this past year I've removed nearly all stressors and am a very happy individual. While I understand he needs patience, I need to remain in good spirits. And if something makes me unhappy, I will do all I can to correct the problem!

Thank you once again everybody! It has really helped me sort-out what is going on, and the best course of action to take.

 

[dutchieinPA]

Thanks so much for posting. As a sufferer, I have just recently started to identify the extreme level of anger I harbor. There are things that can trigger such severe reactions of fright -- which for me is very threatening -- and I turn it into anger, which for me is easier to deal with and dole out.

I have been guilty of lashing out and raging. The experience at times can be so intense that words are exchanged that are at the time what I think is exactly what I mean, only to feel extreme remorse several days later. I think I have made a lot of progress in apologizing for my rants when I was clearly in the wrong, but it has never been my favorite thing to do.

Sometimes my reaction is disproportionate to the event but in the moment I really don't realize that I am overreacting. It is a way for me to assert my territory, my space -- to keep things at an arms length and safe distance.

I hope you can work out this situation to your satisfaction. It is possible that at some point your friend will have a moment to reflect. For now, I would leave it alone, as difficult as it might be to have this unresolved issue disturbing the relative peace in your home.

Susanne

 

[onebravegirl]

Have read about what a trigger is? It sounds as if something may have triggered this person. When a person has been triggered or reminded in some way of the trauma, it is very frightening and confusing. The emotion of a situation happens first instead of a thought. The emotions can be HUGE and at first may not make any sense to the person who is having them. It takes a quiet and supportive environment to feel safe enough to figure out what happened and make sense of it all. While all this is flying around in a person head, the people on the outside of the situation can seem very irrelevant. Life can seem very out of control. The way that most people handle that is by being extra controlling of who/what ever is around them. PTSD is an illness.
We are not our illness and your roommate is not choosing to be difficult, he is doing his best to survive very intense side-effects of that illness. He needs very special and caring people around him right now. If you do not have the strength yourself to be the kind of friend he needs right now, you should leave.