Hello all, I am completely new to this forum, and new to the concept of PTSD. Just so everyone is aware, I have not been diagnosed professionally with PTSD, this is something that my girlfriend has actually came up with ( shes not a professional but went to school for this stuff ). So there is a lot of learning for me to do, and a lot of reading and research that needs to be done. I have signed up and am posting this to put myself out there and hopefully connect with some people who have experienced the same thing. Thank you in advance to everyone with the help and advice.
Long story short, I have been lied to my whole life. I was born into a home thinking that the guy was my father but he was not, didnt find out until i was about 5 or 6, don't really remember how I felt at the time, I just remember crying, a whole lot. I then found out who my real father is and turned out he up and left to, but which isnt a bad thing. He was a scumbag and I am so happy that he was not a part of my life. Going through life I know i've obviously seeked out that father figure to look up to. For me I was always pretty mature for my age so I always hung out with kids that were way older than I was. I had looked up to my friend since he was 18 or so and I was 15/16, he taught me everything from driving a car to dealing with girls in middle school. He later turned to drugs and just up and bounced. Now i know that has nothing to do with me but his own choices, but it hurt. Move onto the next, same thing. Now I see that I have all these friends but yet I push them away consistently by not responding to them, or making excuses for not going out ( Now, later on in life, I'd rather stay home then go out and get shitfaced anyways ) which, most of my "friends" are still into ( Myself am 26 and my friends are the same age ). Now, my mother did an amazing job raising me, but she was there more physically, making sure i had a roof over my head and had clothes and food on the table, instead of being there mentally. So after a while I had all of this bottled up and never truly let it all go ( typing this all out is actually really relieving ). definitely not taking anything away from my mother though, I love her tremendously.
Moving forward, all of my relationships have ended with me being deceived and cheated on. Every. Single. One. Now, I know that over the time, I am sure I have done something not even realizing to make that happen, but the first time and second time really did a number on me. First time I came home after work and saw a dude run out of my girlfriends house with his shirt off, walk in and shes naked, hair all rustled, and walking to the bathroom to take her post sex piss ( sorry TMI ) i confronted her and she denied, denied, denied. Deaded that on the spot. So this was my first experience dealing with it and I took it pretty hard but got over it. It was a lot easier dealing with it because I pretty much saw it all in person. Now, fast forward about 3 years, I meet my 2nd girlfriend, who right off the bat we hit it off. I had no feelings of doubt, no trust issues, nothing. I was in it to win it. Earlier in the relationship an incident occured where she was having a halloween party, and she had walked down the hallway to go to the bathroom. My than friend followed her. I honestly didn't think anything of it, until after about 15 minutes they were no where to be found. As I turned down the hallway, he was walking in front of her by maybe a step, and I was just kind of taken back and it didnt even really make hit me until a few days later. So i confronted her and she denied denied denied saying she would never do anything to hurt me, shed never lie yadda yadda. So of course, I shoved that to the back of my mind and there it sat. I never acted on those feelings, because it would be unfair for me to, I trusted her, still, which now looking back I would think otherwise. So as time went on there were other things that just didnt sit well with me, weird texts from random numbers, even phone calls that I answered. Long story short, we actually broke up because I broke down after it all and said i couldnt do it. Not until MONTHS later, she came clean about EVERYTHING. So this whole time, I was right, I knew my intuition was right, but ignored it. She did me dirty, someone who knew my situation with trust and with my history. Now, move ahead probably 2 years ( within this time I really didnt go out much, didnt talk to a lot of girls, nor really care to, I just focused on work work work ) I meet this girl, again, hit it off right off the bat. I tell her my insecurities in the beginning so I dont drag any baggage into something ( me considering that she was going to stay ). Over time same shit started happening with her ( i'll spare the details ) and I found out from another source that she was cheating on me with her ex, in my own f*ckin home. She never admitted to it, so this is all based off of what i heard, but later on I had found out that she liked to get around, and i was just too oblivious to recognize it. My own fault in judgement.
Which brings me to now, PHEW long read huh? I have not been with anyone in about a year or so, talked to a few girls here and there but nothing serious, didn't want it, i was over it, lost all hope, just focused on work ( working 70 hours a week )and that was that. I was at my apartment ( in a friends house ) and my friend had this girl over from school so they could study. Man, when i looked at her, everything that has ever happened to me just POOF! disappeared, she was honestly the most beautiful girl i have ever laid my eyes on. I introduced myself, gently shook her hand, and in the moment just fell in love. Did a little small talk then I left them to study and I went downstairs to go to sleep since I had work early in the morning. After a while of seeing her on and off, I asked my friend to do the 411 and did a little recon to get some info. Turns out, she wasnt talking to anyone ( seriously at least ) and was very interested in me as well ( I mean, who can blame her with these blue steel looks ) So I got her number and it just took off like Apollo from there. Now, from the beginning, I didn't have any doubt, any issue, never didnt believe her in anything she said, it was just a miracle. I thought that everything in my past was just gone. But why would that be?! As things got a lot more serious, I had told her everythiing that had happened and told her that I am ok, and wont be bringing any of that shit into our relationship. I knew from the start that she was different, but for some reason, as my feelings for her got stronger and stronger, my gut feelings, my paranoia, my insecurities were poppin up faster than weeds in a gravel driveway. I held them in for far too long, and finally one night i broke down, told her how i felt, and she was so taken back. Now, she was the one that did all the research for me and brought to my attention that I may have infidelity PTSD or some sort of attachment issue. I honestly never thought of anything of the sorts, I just thought that I was like everyone else and just had to deal with my insecurities. She has been nothing but supportive, reassuring, and just gentle with the whole situation. Which makes me feel terrible because even with all of that, I still get these wrenching feelings in my stomach. She just told me today that everything that has happened since my breakdown has really taken her back a bit, and needs to know that her future is secure with me, and said that she loves me and wants to help me all the way ( what a lucky guy huh? ) Hence, why I did some googling and came across this site. I honestly work so much, I have no time to do anything, I've even lost weight because its so hard for me to even eat, but thats besides the point ( ramen for the win! ) I am doing everything in my power and will to get better, I want to, not only for the sake of myself, but for the sake of us because with her, even despite my feelings and insecurities, I know she is the one. I am able to face my problems, I am able to admit to my problems, I just need to take the next step and actually do something about them.
I am sorry for the super long post, I am sure for the ones who made it all the way, your retinas are stinging, and I personally appreciate the time you have taken out to read it. I am looking into seeking medical help, I am just not sure which route to take.
To be completely honest, writing this out has really helped take the feeling out of my stomach, I never tried this, and I think I may have found an outlet to help ease everything down a bit, turning it down from an 11 to a possible 6, 5 on a good day lol
Long story short, I have been lied to my whole life. I was born into a home thinking that the guy was my father but he was not, didnt find out until i was about 5 or 6, don't really remember how I felt at the time, I just remember crying, a whole lot. I then found out who my real father is and turned out he up and left to, but which isnt a bad thing. He was a scumbag and I am so happy that he was not a part of my life. Going through life I know i've obviously seeked out that father figure to look up to. For me I was always pretty mature for my age so I always hung out with kids that were way older than I was. I had looked up to my friend since he was 18 or so and I was 15/16, he taught me everything from driving a car to dealing with girls in middle school. He later turned to drugs and just up and bounced. Now i know that has nothing to do with me but his own choices, but it hurt. Move onto the next, same thing. Now I see that I have all these friends but yet I push them away consistently by not responding to them, or making excuses for not going out ( Now, later on in life, I'd rather stay home then go out and get shitfaced anyways ) which, most of my "friends" are still into ( Myself am 26 and my friends are the same age ). Now, my mother did an amazing job raising me, but she was there more physically, making sure i had a roof over my head and had clothes and food on the table, instead of being there mentally. So after a while I had all of this bottled up and never truly let it all go ( typing this all out is actually really relieving ). definitely not taking anything away from my mother though, I love her tremendously.
Moving forward, all of my relationships have ended with me being deceived and cheated on. Every. Single. One. Now, I know that over the time, I am sure I have done something not even realizing to make that happen, but the first time and second time really did a number on me. First time I came home after work and saw a dude run out of my girlfriends house with his shirt off, walk in and shes naked, hair all rustled, and walking to the bathroom to take her post sex piss ( sorry TMI ) i confronted her and she denied, denied, denied. Deaded that on the spot. So this was my first experience dealing with it and I took it pretty hard but got over it. It was a lot easier dealing with it because I pretty much saw it all in person. Now, fast forward about 3 years, I meet my 2nd girlfriend, who right off the bat we hit it off. I had no feelings of doubt, no trust issues, nothing. I was in it to win it. Earlier in the relationship an incident occured where she was having a halloween party, and she had walked down the hallway to go to the bathroom. My than friend followed her. I honestly didn't think anything of it, until after about 15 minutes they were no where to be found. As I turned down the hallway, he was walking in front of her by maybe a step, and I was just kind of taken back and it didnt even really make hit me until a few days later. So i confronted her and she denied denied denied saying she would never do anything to hurt me, shed never lie yadda yadda. So of course, I shoved that to the back of my mind and there it sat. I never acted on those feelings, because it would be unfair for me to, I trusted her, still, which now looking back I would think otherwise. So as time went on there were other things that just didnt sit well with me, weird texts from random numbers, even phone calls that I answered. Long story short, we actually broke up because I broke down after it all and said i couldnt do it. Not until MONTHS later, she came clean about EVERYTHING. So this whole time, I was right, I knew my intuition was right, but ignored it. She did me dirty, someone who knew my situation with trust and with my history. Now, move ahead probably 2 years ( within this time I really didnt go out much, didnt talk to a lot of girls, nor really care to, I just focused on work work work ) I meet this girl, again, hit it off right off the bat. I tell her my insecurities in the beginning so I dont drag any baggage into something ( me considering that she was going to stay ). Over time same shit started happening with her ( i'll spare the details ) and I found out from another source that she was cheating on me with her ex, in my own f*ckin home. She never admitted to it, so this is all based off of what i heard, but later on I had found out that she liked to get around, and i was just too oblivious to recognize it. My own fault in judgement.
Which brings me to now, PHEW long read huh? I have not been with anyone in about a year or so, talked to a few girls here and there but nothing serious, didn't want it, i was over it, lost all hope, just focused on work ( working 70 hours a week )and that was that. I was at my apartment ( in a friends house ) and my friend had this girl over from school so they could study. Man, when i looked at her, everything that has ever happened to me just POOF! disappeared, she was honestly the most beautiful girl i have ever laid my eyes on. I introduced myself, gently shook her hand, and in the moment just fell in love. Did a little small talk then I left them to study and I went downstairs to go to sleep since I had work early in the morning. After a while of seeing her on and off, I asked my friend to do the 411 and did a little recon to get some info. Turns out, she wasnt talking to anyone ( seriously at least ) and was very interested in me as well ( I mean, who can blame her with these blue steel looks ) So I got her number and it just took off like Apollo from there. Now, from the beginning, I didn't have any doubt, any issue, never didnt believe her in anything she said, it was just a miracle. I thought that everything in my past was just gone. But why would that be?! As things got a lot more serious, I had told her everythiing that had happened and told her that I am ok, and wont be bringing any of that shit into our relationship. I knew from the start that she was different, but for some reason, as my feelings for her got stronger and stronger, my gut feelings, my paranoia, my insecurities were poppin up faster than weeds in a gravel driveway. I held them in for far too long, and finally one night i broke down, told her how i felt, and she was so taken back. Now, she was the one that did all the research for me and brought to my attention that I may have infidelity PTSD or some sort of attachment issue. I honestly never thought of anything of the sorts, I just thought that I was like everyone else and just had to deal with my insecurities. She has been nothing but supportive, reassuring, and just gentle with the whole situation. Which makes me feel terrible because even with all of that, I still get these wrenching feelings in my stomach. She just told me today that everything that has happened since my breakdown has really taken her back a bit, and needs to know that her future is secure with me, and said that she loves me and wants to help me all the way ( what a lucky guy huh? ) Hence, why I did some googling and came across this site. I honestly work so much, I have no time to do anything, I've even lost weight because its so hard for me to even eat, but thats besides the point ( ramen for the win! ) I am doing everything in my power and will to get better, I want to, not only for the sake of myself, but for the sake of us because with her, even despite my feelings and insecurities, I know she is the one. I am able to face my problems, I am able to admit to my problems, I just need to take the next step and actually do something about them.
I am sorry for the super long post, I am sure for the ones who made it all the way, your retinas are stinging, and I personally appreciate the time you have taken out to read it. I am looking into seeking medical help, I am just not sure which route to take.
To be completely honest, writing this out has really helped take the feeling out of my stomach, I never tried this, and I think I may have found an outlet to help ease everything down a bit, turning it down from an 11 to a possible 6, 5 on a good day lol
