Rules for motherhood

[Scarlet13]

So, I have been thinking a lot about this as I have been in therapy. My mother is at the core of all my trauma.

She held a narcissistic bond with me and used emotional abuse, enmeshment, and covert sexual abuse on me. She allowed others to physically harm me.

But, she was in an idealized fantasy world where she thought she was a perfect mother.

My mother's voice is there inside me and at times I feel the urge bubble up inside of me to act with my children the way she did with me.

I also have a lot of sleep debt and am healing from protracted withdrawal syndrom from an SSRI and a benzo, so this plays a role. I do bring this up in therapy and am pushing myself to be even more forthcoming with my T.

So, I decided to create a list of protective guidelines for myself as a mother.

1. I recognize that even though I have CPTSD, cognitive distortions and emotional disregulation from my upbringing, I feel that I have an inherent disposition based on emotional awareness and empathy. It is possible to have both emotional disregulation and inherent emotional intelligence.

2. It is important to always practice emotional awareness and acceptance. Always. I can feel that selfishness inside of me from childhood needs never met. I can feel the terror inside of me. I know it spills out of me and effects my children. But awareness goes along way. Awareness allows me to be aware of my triggers within parenting and to act with wisdom and compassion for myself.

3. It is important to have empathy. My mother was so profoundly blind to my suffering. I sometimes can sense that within myself. That I crouch behind denial, that I seek to live in a fantasy at times, but that trauma therapy very quickly unravels these notions. That recognizing the blind spots, that they are built out of pain and then envelop them in empathy is key here.

4. I have to try to give myself parenting kudos or credit. I am trained in Love and Logic techniques, I have studied and honed attachment, and I am very good with children. Even though this was focused in education, it can be applied and helpful in parenting my own children. I just forget this.

5. I need to ALWAYS see my children for who they are. Observe them and let them know I see them. Give them rules so they feel safe and choices so they develop confidence and a sense of identity.
Also, I need to pay attention to and respect their boundaries.

6. A good rule to remember is that a child's behavior happens for a wide variety of reasons. Children's behavior is not who they are. So, if a child leaves a mess, she is not selfish or inherently forgetful. She is not bad. This is what my mother did to me. She thought my behavior indicated who I was as a person. Children try on behaviors like clothes.

7. Insulting a child will not inspire change. I think sometimes there is a feeling in humans like this. That if I point out over and over again flaws in a person, then they will realize and be better. Well, this actual back fires and is actually emotional abuse.

8. I should practice self care and not feel guilty about it. Like going to therapy, taking hot baths, going swimming. These make me a better, more patient mother.

8. Finally, I am not going to be perfect. I will likely f*ck up my kids in some ways. I hope these ways are small. My goal is to somehow be a mother who is "good enough" as my therapist says.
I am human. I will make mistakes. I will yell and insult them. I will sometimes forget and guilt trip them. But, if I am aware of why and what caused it, I can seek to repair the harm that was done. I can apologize and model that no one is perfect.

I can be very hard on myself, obviously I am working on developing some self esteem and trust for myself. I cannot tell you how difficult it is to parent with PTSD. Maybe I am doing ok as a mother. Maybe, despite my mother's voice being there.

What do you think?
What are your "rules"?

 

[Suzetig]

I cannot tell you how difficult it is to parent with PTSD.

This. A hundred times over. My kids trigger me in ways I never thought possible and I'm really struggling at times to manage my response to them when I'm triggered. Both parents were very very harsh with me and incredibly abusive so I don't have a good enough model to go on, and the second guessing yourself thing that is part and parcel of parenting drives me crazy - it's acutely tied into trauma for me and gets touched all the bloody time.

I don't have rules yet, but it's a good idea so I'll have a think and return here - I may well adopt some of yours.

 

[Rose White]

I. Love. This! I want to copy it in my journal! I feel this/you so much! Just today I was talking to another Mom in real life and I decided after a cleansing conversation to let go of a bunch of Mom-guilt with her, and it felt so right and good to send it down the river.

In spite of all the crap that we went through we are good enough and we are striving to be better—which is miles beyond our parents!

Parenting with PTSD is a crappy situation. However, recovery has the potential to lead to a developing self-awareness and curiousity about how we can stay present and open to possibility of connection, which spills over into relationships with the children. I feel like I have never been more authentic with my children than currently, and it’s thanks to my recovery and growing sense of acceptance.

I am more aware of trying to force perfectionism on my kids and of the need for apologizing when I make mistakes.

I know I will be revisiting your post in the days to come, because I will forget and want to remember why it really will be okay!

I also need to keep reminding my children of their inherent self worth. I mean, I’m not exactly sure how to do this consistently and successfully yet, but I’m pretty sure it’s important and necessary for raising healthy minded kids. Probably need to step up the self talk on my own worth to be able to genuinely acknowledge it in others, but it might be a good idea to go ahead and try it out, like role play.

This is so important. Thank you for sharing your rules. I will ruminate on how I would write my rules.

 

[mumstheword]

So, I have been thinking a lot about this as I have been in therapy. My mother is at the core of all...

I think you are so on the right track. I agree with all of what you wrote @Scarlet13

It is hard.
PTSD is just another illness/condition though, that children can come to understand and forgive us for as they mature.

I think forgiving ourselves for not being perfect is really important.

Children need to know you love them and that making mistakes is part of being human and are ok, are forgivable and necessary to give allowance for, so they can learn not to buy into perfectionism in their own lives.

So working on loving ourselves and self-care is part of "good enough" parenting.

I do put my kids needs first as much as I can though. Knowing they're ok is directly tied into my own sense of well-being. I just can't seem to be able to help that.

I practice a lot of counselling type parenting. I give them lots of positive feedback and encourage self-care, healthy boundaries and psychological awareness. All my kids have suffered mental health issues due to our dysfunctional family dynamic. Me with the Cptsd and dad a classic narcassistic. personality disorder/addictive personality. disorder/antisocial.personality disorder type.
Mental Health is going to be an issue with that mix. But my kids are all finding their way.

I practice non enmeshment with the narcissistic types in my life now - my mum and their Dad.

I teach my children to be wary of people who are not honest. I don't lie to them. I think I may have once, but only once.
I used to overdisclose to them, I really try not to anymore. It wasn't good for them when I did that.
Dad lies and I have had to allow them to find that out for themselves.
I have probably given them too much freedom but it was a reaction to the narcy selfish manipulation that I was subject to and that they are and have had to break free from.
I have studied the tactics and psychology of those sorts and I counter their tactics by encouraging self-empowerment, assertiveness, education and personal development and psychological understanding in short - critical thinking- thinking for oneself and questioning everything with sound rigour and trust in your own faculties (the kingdom of Heaven is within).
I don't have all the answers and I let them know that.
My children are mostly young adults now. I have seven, between 27 and 12.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I f*cked up badly with my daughter, so if one parent with PTSD can be a better parent, I’m grateful..... loved your post @Scarlet13

 

[Rani G2]

What do you think?
What are your "rules"?

Hello Scarlet13,

good to read that you are working on building up selfesteem.
I dont have much time. My rule is: Not to have children until I have worked through the Trauma. Still a long process. When I see children, I usually avoid them.

I will see.

 

[Gs172003]

So, I have been thinking a lot about this as I have been in therapy. My mother is at the core of all...

Unfortunately for my now grown kids I didn't know I had it til they were gone.

 

[Scarlet13]

I also need to keep reminding my children of their inherent self worth. I mean, I’m not exactly sure how to do this consistently and successfully yet, but I’m pretty sure it’s important and necessary for raising healthy minded kids.

So, one thing my T told me that you could say to you kids is:
I am so lucky that I get to be your mamma.

Other phrases I use are:
I love that about you.
You are strong. You can handle this.
I love hearing your stories.
I really love your ideas.
You make me happy.

You can google, "positive things to say to your kids."

I struggle with building self esteem in my kids because I do not have self esteem.
I do feel that it is possible, but this is a frustrating thing about CPTSD. I want the self esteem now! (Not after years of therapy).

 

[Scarlet13]

This. A hundred times over. My kids trigger me in ways I never thought possible and I'm really struggli...

Thanks for your response and for saying you struggle with this too.
This post was an exercise in vulnerability while at the same time having some pride.
I think if there is to be any change from generation to the next in terms of trauma and abuse, there has to be deep introspection or a sort of owning up to potential issues (but with out beating your self up over it.)

I have at times emotionally abused my children. I know for sure during post partum depression. But the key difference is the acknowledgement of that.

My mother could never see her issues. She could never look within. And even worse, she thought she was perfect. She was so blind.
So, I just disappeared.

Now the question is: how am I to be a mother when I don't feel like I exist?

I think the answer is that I must somehow reach down and find myself, even if just barely.

PTSD is just another illness/condition though, that children can come to understand and forgive us for as they mature.

I agree with this. And this is a good statement to use for accepting PTSD in the context of parenting.
I think my kids can know about my condition.
I choose to do this in careful ways. I say that mamma has anxiety, but I am handling it. It is for their benefit. They can see me as a role model and think, oh you can have anxiety and then respond in positive ways. I am not always good at this.

One thing I am trying to correct is not talking about my trauma regarding my mother with them in ear shot. It was easy to do this as I obsess with the trauma and I think it went over their heads as they were so little, but now I have been REALLY thinking about boundaries.

 

[Rose White]

@Scarlet13 those are all great phrases to say. I’m already committing to try a few out as soon as possible! I just realized that any saying that would help the inner child will likely help the real life children too.

And finding yourself, even if just barely...yes! I call those moments the footholds. Getting a grip on yourself, holding yourself, believing you have worth—even a tiny bit—transforms the parenting relationship just barely. It’s the “just barely” changes that will add up to sustainable changes in life, if we allow ourselves to keep opening up to possibility.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

This has been such a great thread. I was in therapy when I was raising my children.

I used a lot of building up their self esteem words.
I always told them that I loved and wanted them before they were born
If I made mistakes or was harsh I owned my own responsiblity and apologized and made amends
I was always avalable to them as a stay at home homemaker.
I taught them to be responsible for themselves.
Hard work was role modeled to them and both of them are hard workers
I had therapy when I they were small and always apologized to them about not being perfect as a mother
I did make many mistakes I realize now looking back but I never abused either one of them
I was honest with them.
I dearly loved and treasured them and talked openly with each one of them.

Ours was a alcoholic home and my husband and I would fight a lot but I tried very hard not to do it in front of the kids but was aware that they could hear us. Lots of hard times on the kids going through that I would apologize to them afterwards.

I made sure that their needs were met and was always thinking about they were developmentally.
I always encouraged them to be themselves and follow their dreams.
If they had problems I would go out of my way to help them to find a solution to their problems.
I took them each to their schools so they could be familiar with the new schools
I went to the parent teacher conferences.
I did not force them to eat foods that they did not like
We took them on vacations every year and went to so many wonderful places

I tried to be a better parent than mine were to me but therein lie my mistakes because I was more focused on not being abusive to what they truly needed
I was enmeshed with them due to the overcompensation of my negative husband I tried to love them where his approval of them was withdrawn at times.

I taught them that they were human and everyone makes mistakes.
I taught them about cleanliness but was not anal about it.


It was in the not knowing that i think I think I failed them. Not knowing what was good and healthy was very challenging for me. Being too preoccupied with my own stuff.

However I was very creative with them and we did laugh and have fun times together. I made sure that they picked out their own clothes. I worked so very hard on my own recovery process and was always going to groups etcs at night or during the day when they were in school.

I failed to have mealtimes regularly at the dinner table as a family due to schedules. We always had dinner in the living room together watching tv but we would talk to each other during the programs, something I very much regret now that I have learned.

I read parent magazines and books on child development so i could be there for them
I made some monster spray using perfume and water mixed in a spray bottle to get rid of the monsters that they were afraid of and it worked.

I taught them that there was no santa claus because I did not want to lie to them and was honest with them. Do many other things too. Thank you for making this thread.

 

[Scarlet13]

@Scarlet13 those are all great phrases to say. I’m already committing to t...

This is all very wise.
I think the "just barely" is key. I like thinking of this in terms of foot holds.
I often times think I should be perfect. And that was a destructive thing with my mother. She had a narcissistic perfectionism which I can almost feel within myself, but not fully realized. Kind of like a narcissistic flea.

If I am not perfect than I am terrible. The "foot holds" or "just barely there healthy aspects" takes me out of this all or nothing thinking.

I think it is so true about what you say to your inner child is good for your child.
And it works in the reverse. If you are critical to yourself then it raises the risk to be critical to your child. I am always critical to myself, so I always have to notice that and put it in its place through labeling. I am not just going to stop the critical inner voice over night, but I can manage so it does not just go directly to my children.