Run.

[Deleted member 1860]

That was supposed to say "RUN" but I know the forum defaults to only capitalize the first letter.

I'm so not safe right now. I'm in a bad episode, the worst I've had in quite a long time. I'm not in danger of hurting myself, although I have had urges all day long. I won't go there again, I won't do that.

When I feel this unsafe I just want to RUN. I literally went running today but it wasn't enough. Guess b/c it was just in circles around the neighborhood. I actually want to just run away, run somewhere that I can't be found, run to the ends of the earth so that I can feel safe again.

Its to the point where I can't avoid my mother. I am literally thinking about my next move, once I have the option to be more independent. Change my name. Move somewhere else. Limit my contact with family we have in common (dad, brother, sister).

The last time I broke no contact I ended up in the emergency room because the episode was so bad that I ended up hurting myself. I'm still dealing with the repercussions of that one. I won't do that again.

But yes, that is just how far she pushes me. I need to feel safe. She is not safe. My system goes into nuclear reactor meltdown mode when it senses she is nearby. Or on the phone, in this case. I overheard a conversation between her and my father. Nothing triggering was said, it was just hearing her voice that sent off the alarms in my head.

I get aggravated that people don't understand. It literally is like the bull who sees red and then charges. Only I don't charge, I run. The color red poses no imminent threat to the bull, yet the bull runs full steam ahead in defense. Red makes the bull charge, just like anything even remotely having to do with my mother makes me run.

This trigger is so ingrained in me that I don't think there is any desensitizing it. Its sort of like with my gluten sensitivity. The longer I abstain from eating gluten, the more painful the reactions become. I know its best for me to stay away altogether though, as there is no "desensitizing" my system to gluten. Yes, I could ingest it regularly, and my flare ups would lessen, but I would also feel unhealthy overall. Same deal with my mother. I could expose myself to her regularly, and the major flare ups (like this one) would lessen, but overall I would be in an unhealthy place.

I have been away from my mother for almost 3 months now. I have no plans of working things out. If my dad brings up the reconciliation thing again, I'm going to dig up all of my stuff on safety that I was given at Shephard Pratt. And if he still won't let it go, I'll just yell "CONCUSSION!" at him. He's one of the three people in my life (not online) who know how badly I hurt myself the last time I broke no contact with my mom.

I guess it just irks me that people refuse to see how damaging she is to me. (See the thread on Kicking Abusers Out Of Your Life...) I have actually thought to myself, gee, do I have to actually succeed at suicide before you all realize how bad it is for me to be around her? And then I think no, these people will never truly understand. It is no longer my job to educate them as I have done all that I can. I am going to make plans to separate myself from the family unit as a whole. I know this is a necessary step for my own wellbeing. And if they don't like it, then they should have not pushed reconciliation upon me.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I have actually thought to myself, gee, do I have to actually succeed at suicide before you all realize how bad it is for me to be around her? And then I think no, these people will never truly understand. It is no longer my job to educate them as I have done all that I can.

After three close call attempts and one half arsed attempt at suicide for me this brings it home with a smack. NO I do not want to go there ever again. NO I will not let them push me that far again and as for shouting "CONCUSSION", I doubt my 2 family members that I have any time for would actually hear me even if I screamed it loud enough to shatter plate glass.

@Solara I so totally understand how this makes you feel and totally get the frustration it causes.

My :hug:s if you accept them.

Laurie

 

[greenleaf]

Hello @Solara -- "reconciliation" is not really reconciliation with abusers -- those family members who are pushing you to "reconcile" really want you to shut up about the abuse and its effects upon you, and stop disturbing their denial... It is really difficult to separate from a family unit as a whole, but your life and health are far more important -- we all want you to live and develop a better life!

I believe that a friend's suicide about 10 years ago was partly due to that kind of dynamic. This friend's mother was setting up situations where my friend would be with her abuser sibling so they'd "reconcile". I think that the dynamic may be really likely to cause us to direct anger at ourselves when we don't deserve it, so it's dangerous. It feels kind of like, we are angry because we're being violated, but have no support in directing the anger where it belongs, (in fact the opposite of support; total invalidation), so we turn it on ourselves.

That kind of person probably cannot support you -- at the very least it would take them years of work on their own issues to face what they're doing to you, but their layers of denial are likely just too thick to *ever* change... I think it can be dangerous to be in touch with such folks, so yes it's really a safety issue for you. You are working on protecting yourself and you deserve protection.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I am literally thinking about my next move, once I have the option to be more independent. Change my name. Move somewhere else. Limit my contact with family we have in common (dad, brother, sister).

This sounds like a good idea. From what I hear, she's really toxic. Makes sense that you want to run. Can you maybe focus on your own future plans rather than focus on the place where you are now? Sometimes being focused on good planning makes it easier to deal with bs.

Parents are a real (....) well that's my opinion. My mother is always blathering about reconciliation too. "Ah, but that was the past, can't we be friends now?" No freaking way, you abused me for fifteen years, I can't even believe she thinks that we can "move past it". If somebody walked up to me right now and started hitting me, I would ban them from my life immediately.

Better to move far away from their talk about reconciliation but that's just my impression. It doesn't matter whether or not the people around you understand. It matters that you have understood. That seems the most important thing to me.

 

[jaccat]

I feel for you. I still don't understand how my family let me break contact with my mother. There were a couple of occasions when I did see her that until recently I had absolutely no memory of (I found references to them in an old diary). She was so traumatising to me that even those occasions, when nothing happened, I had blanked out the memories.
For me, even that time when I had no contact was terrifying because of the thought that she could come back. I lived in a state of constant terror that the people around me had no concept of.
My family have never accepted that I could have experienced the trauma that I did. Even though it was bad for them, their twisted logic changes my past to one where I didn't suffer as much. They never understood my need to be away from her, and were angry at me for cutting her from my life. But I knew it was me or her. I knew with absolute certainly that if she stayed she would kill me. Perhaps not with her own hands but the end result would be the same. How can anyone understand that?
Stay strong.

 

[shimmerz]

People hate the light shiners in this type of family. They hang onto 'looking normal' with the tenacity of a pitbull. They are cowards. I feel like we fight for our family first so that they can see, then we realize they want us to shut up, so we fight for ourselves. There is no difference imho, between your mother and your other family members who are telling you to put up. They are in huge denial, have most likely become great manipulators,and are terrified that your not putting up will put the family secret at risk. F*** family secrets. They make us sick.

In the end, you are right, there is only one way to go. Without them. That will be your final 'fight' with your family and it won't be pretty. Then I believe the fight will be within yourself. The fight for freedom. Working to let go of the constant warring you have had to put up with. Finally, allowing yourself peace. You so deserve it.

 

[risingsun]

The last time I broke no contact I ended up in the emergency room because the episode was so bad that I ended up hurting myself.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I truly am. It isn't easy that is for sure, especially when its family. Please take care of yourself. Trust your instinct about what is the best thing for you emotionally right now. Please stay safe, you've had enough hurt in your life. Be gentle with yourself and take it one day at a time. Warmest, Rising.

 

[Chava]

I ran away in high school. Bought tickets for far, far away but randomly got off the bus in St. Louis. I didn't make a good homeless person there. Didn't last long but it felt good! Then I got a real job, far away. My mom came to visit once and I ran away from my own house and left her here. That was f*cked up, for sure. But I totally understand the urge to RUN!!!!!

Where do you want to go? It is so much more fun if you aren't just running away from someone but running TO something....the ocean, a job, an art museum, another country, a small farming town in South Dakota where everyone there will know you in 5 minutes but nobody will know where you are....so many possibilities....

 

[Over the rainbow]

One of my "triggers" is my sister, my only blood relative, but she was the start of all things horrible in my life, and the thought of her makes me spiral down.
She was this horrible person to me all my life, as very young children the torture I endured from her scarred me.
I hear her voice and a tidal wave of emotion tears through me, I try not to give her a thought.
I know there is one person I cannot run from, myself. Dep down all the hurt and rejection that she laid on me is always just there, never dealt with.
This summer my adopted mom wanted me to have a counseling session with her, and I only did this to shut her up, worst mistake ever!!!
All it did was bring back horrible memories, pain, and trauma.
She had not changed, she was cold, unfeeling, and worst of all after all these years lying to make herself look better.
For a couple months after the session I was pretty depressed, nothing would ever be resolved. My only blood relative with whom I had contact with because of being adopted, didn't love me, and never would.
What's worse is my nieces and nephews idolize their mother, my sister, so I don't have them either.
Being without a family is not new to me, for my adopted family never cared either, we were adopted for the sake of looking good in church.
But my advice to you is perhaps you should distance yourself, but try and write about it here, get it out and don't let it fester, that causes much more damage. Take it from one damaged individual herself.