Relationship Rut or reality?

[g3mma]

For the past 6 months my boyfriend has been out of work. He has done several courses in order to gain a job in his desired field (as ex Army he thrives on certain environments). Something I support despite it changing our previous talks about the future.
After thousands of dollars, lots of applications he has still had no luck. I understand this is very disheartening.! And a great stress on our relationship!

Last week he went away to gain another qualification and I simply asked to see him beforehand, but he got frustrated and said it was needy of me and that he needs to focus on studying to get things done...UNFORTUNATELY his grandmother also passed away that day! and I was not around to console him. He was very limited in conversation all week which i respected but it has now been turned around that I was not supportive of him! He got home on Friday and Saturday went out with friends, when I asked to see him Sunday he said he was too hungover and needed sleep! He goes away for 3 weeks again to do yet another qualification and I am not sure if I should push seeing him, or give him the time he wants. Every time I bring up seeing him he blatantly ignores it! He has done this before, the distancing and minimal conversation and every time it becomes about us working out what we both want.... in previously occasions Ihave pushed to see him and in doing so felt I bought a break up upon myself, I want to go about it the right way yet still show him I am supportive, except this time with a death in the family I am afraid he really does feel I am not!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Is this his typical behavior? How often does he do this?

 

[g3mma]

Is this his typical behavior? How often does he do this?

yes it is. He did a very similar thing about 6 months ago. When he gave up his business, the whole rethinking his life involved us too.
He broke up with me but we went to the gym as friends and then got back together.....from then to now he has been stressed but we managed a somewhat "normal" relationship.

When he does this, the only thing he says to me is I need to think about what I want so we don't waste each others time..he went from wanting to get married, have children and a life together to wanting to work away and no more children or marriage. Not sure if this stems from his marriage when his ex left him just after he returned from deployment and he assosiates the hostile environment with failed relationships?

 

[grimalkin]

It sounds like a variation of the push/pull to me, to be honest (along with some of the...I don't know if it's disordered thinking, or just an inability to make decisions that goes with anxiety or what). My own sufferer's opinions would change sometimes daily about what he wants to do, what he wants out of life, what kind of mayonnaise he likes, and if he likes X restaurant (or if it's the worst in the world). And then, when I'd ask "But I thought you liked x?" I'd get "I NEVER SAID THAT YOU DON'T LISTEN!"

It's crazy making either way. Eventually, I managed to learn to take things at face value, even if they'd changed from the week before, and if it affected plans or gifts or whatever, remind him "Well, I got this back when you liked it," or "Remember, we planned this?" He eventually started to realize that he was even changing his mind almost daily, as long as he wasn't otherwise symptomatic.

Now, though, he's back to "This is the way I've always thought! You just never listen!"

My only advice is to take even the changes at face value. Unfortunately, when it's something big like marriage and family, that's kind of hard to do when it changes weekly. So, along with it, stick to your own guns and boundaries. Which, I know, is easier said than done.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sometimes it is what it is. His coping method for stressful periods may be to withdraw, which isn't uncommon. Is he treated at all?

 

[g3mma]

Sometimes it is what it is. His coping method for stressful periods may be to withdraw, which isn't...

Very withdrawn! And all he can say is we went longer without seeing each other when you lived Overseas. He isnt treated nor do I think he is open to it unfortunately.

 

[g3mma]

It sounds like a variation of the push/pull to me, to be honest (along with some of the...I don't kno...

Thank you for your reply.
My BFs opinions are constantly changing. And he is often very spontaneous with decisions and they often have no thought...ie he woke up one morning and bought a car that day, no real thought or research put into it.
Which makes me wonder when he changed his mind about the future, and if it will ever change back(False hope I know)

He asked me to respect his space which I have done this time round, but I also want to know he is OK and try to show I care but am worried this is just annoying him and distancing him more.
I asked to see him before he left, but he said was busy organising stuff and his son was sick.
After not seeing him before he left I was heartbroken(he is my neighbour so makes it worse knowing how close by he is) but he did send me a message saying he loved me (something he hasn't done in weeks and something he said he didn't believe in anymore) and that we would have a good chat when he got back in 3 weeks. Part of me is unsure if this is sincere or if he just felt the need to say something, but also I am now constantly thinking where I stand, ie are we together, does he want to be with me or are we over and he hasn't said anything.

I know its false hope and all situations are different but do you think perhaps death was the biggest trigger and after the funeral he will be in a better place? almost like closure. This was all bad timing and couldn't be helped and what started as a petty issue has escalated to this.

So hard to be supportive and give space at the same time!! and as a chronic anxiety sufferer myself I overthink and stress more than I should at the slightest change of pattern. Its almost like I see these things happening with him before he feels them himself.

 

[g3mma]

Last week my SO got back from 2 weeks away, said he was tired and that we would speak the next day as promised before he left! Next day, I got a message "do we really need to talk in person or is the past month or so been enough for you to realise we should call it a day" that was it, 20 months over - broken up by a Facebook message. I asked to see him to talk about things and he said there was nothing to talk about and there were no answers to give!
Its been a week and he hasn't messaged. There were no explanations, no apologises, nothing! I am so angry, and upset that he didn't have the respect to even see or talk to me face to face! I knew it was coming to and end, had prepared but hoped things could be civil and at least a friendship down the track could come of it!
Do i even attempt to ask to see him to talk about things, or leave it once and for all and maybe one day he may be ready to talk?
I know everyone is different but can people really just turn off like that. I cant see why someone who claimed they loved me more than life, promised to be with me regardless what life through at us could just do that!

 

[nursenurse]

The big question is, why do you want to hold out for this relationship, false hope, or real hope? This guy keeps stringing you along. He is not in therapy. There is a snowball's chance in hell for this relationship to work in marriage, never mind children, as it stands. Cut your losses, dust yourself off, and take what he said as gospel. Even if he comes crawling back, think with your head and not your heart. Don't call. And for pete's sake, do not wait for that one day he will talk. Move on yourself.

 

[g3mma]

The big question is, why do you want to hold out for this relationship, false hope, or real hope? Th...

In my original post it was out of hope! He has ups and downs, says things takes them back.
But after that my mindset changed, with zero effort on his part, a string of piss poor excuse and going to such extremes to avoid seeing me and facing reality it became about respecting myself for a change and my feelings and future. I came to terms with the fact we were done, it was more in the manner of how he went about it that bothers me!
Like I said just hoped it would be civil and that would be able to remain on friendly terms - he lives in the same street so we will cross paths in our day to day lives. I didn't want to talk to rekindle the relationship, just to discuss things, cause I feel at the moment there is resentment and anger the way it has been left - and I don't think that is good to have on either parties side. I have tried to see things from his point of view and with an open mind, and up until that point I did but now I struggle to.

 

[Sighs]

I don't have PTSD and I don't understand the concept of talking after the relationship is over. Once its done - I'm done. Whether I dumped him or he dumped me. We do not have anything more to talk about. Ever.

Just because he lives in your street doesn't mean you have to interact. Just hold your head high and walk past him like you don't see him.

I haven't spoken to or acknowledged my daughter's father since she was 13 years old, as after ten years of dealing with him post breakup she was finally old enough to contact him herself and arrange her own time with him. So, yeah I might be a little extreme, but it works for me.

 

[The Albatross]

Naw, you don't have to talk about it, but you may benefit from examining it... how did it happen, what or was there a pattern, do you want to repeat it and how do you go about not ... and processing it lessens your chances of carrying some baggage into your "next" one. I'm a firm believer though in trying in as much as you can, about checking your baggage at the door.