Saying No To Good Things

[Chava]

Another way I feel trapped and hopeless. I've been offered a couple good opportunities and had to turn them down recently because of my physical pain and/or awareness of my own inconsistency and I don't need the added pressure of trying to not let others down. I know we can't say "yes" to everything, but I feel really trapped by my life. I feel joyless and like I need more good things, but even when offered really great opportunities to share my gifts or be a part of something, I just can't do it. I'm angry and depressed. Does it get better ever?

I feel like I don't possess enough inner hope to move forward or even decompress from stress. And I haven't typically been a pessimist, but a hopeful person. I feel like in some ways I'm more aware these days and it makes me less hopeful because I can't see beyond how bad my life feels a lot. I don't feel strong enough to take risks really and I'm also isolated but unwilling to add pressure of loading up my schedule...or feeling like I'll let others down if I'm not feeling well or my work is a mess because I've too disconnected and unmotivated. It feels like a bad downward spiral.

Sorry, feels like I've posted a lot of life-sucks posts recently. Thanks for listening.

 

[franciemarnie]

I'm sorry you're feeling so lousy and trapped, especially with the pain. I too have been in a great deal of physical pain since spring. My body was out of alignment for years and years (it held the pain captive. Surprise!) and now it's being tweaked back into alignment and that hurts too. Not in the pain in neck and back way. That's gone, thank God. Now I am moving out trauma energy that was underneath my twisted position for years. I haven't been able to plan things for months because I know the odds of feeling well enough to go out are too slim.

Sometimes it's just one foot in front of the other. This will pass, for both of us as long as we aren't drinking and drugging the pain away. Mindful meditation helps when I am willing to feel the physical pain. I always tried to get out of my body, shut it down, shut it up. No more.

I try not to look at the future when I am in too much pain because it always looks bleak then. I know the pain will come and go and there are things I can do to help move it along.

Like you were posting recently about physically pushing against things. I like that too. I used to like hitting a punching bag and also hitting tennis balls with a racquet against a ball machine. That's too rough for now, but grounding exercises help a lot. Trauma Release Exercises have opened up my body. It's different than somatic therapy release for me. I love to walk with iPod music. Dancing helps. (Slow for right now.) I am trying to do enjoyable things on my own because I can't do too much out in the world at the moment.

Meditation has become big. Spirituality has a bigger part now. I was all run, kick, punch (safely) before. Now it appears inner work is the order of the day.

It won't always be like this. I have seen phases come and go. They are rough, but I always come out the better.

Anyway, I know it's tough not being out and about, but hang on. Don't dream it's over.

(Forgive the lyrics!)

 

[Chava]

Thanks @franciemarnie ...nice someone understands. Thanks also for good thoughts and reminders. I think I'm worried people will stop asking, thinking of me or including me. You can't keep saying no to everything and assuming people will come back and ask later. I do this with my friends too. I know spirituality is important...i'm really lost there right now and can't seem to help myself. I feel like I have no spirit, so not enough of anything to even nurture myself enough or search for that god connection or spiritual sense. I know mindfulness is important and it's more concrete, so thinking more along those lines. Meditation group today but with lessons and shopping, that would just feel like an added burden. Yuck. I do feel like I'm all safety and survival now and just can't keep going on like this, it's really bad for my health.

 

[bell]

Could it be that you're so stuck you don't see how these new things could really benefit you? Sometimes when we're given to much time to think, our mind goes to scary places and therefore keeps us stuck.

I say this because I'm kind of a hermit and take a lot of time to conserve my energy for social things. However, I was asked to do a day-long project at a fair yesterday, which scared me up the wazoo thinking that it would fail.

However, I did it anyway despite the fear and made a lot of new interesting local connections. And while I was there, I realized that even if it had failed, it still would have been a good experience.

Could it be your fear holding you back when stepping forward might instead be the best option?

Sometimes we need that kick in the ass so that we can be better people and learn more about both the world and ourselves.

 

[Chava]

I do agree with all of that @bell . One thing is musical (I play violin) but the commitment involves too many hours and I have a chronic shoulder injury (the back pain doesn't seem to interfere here, but other places). The other involves doing artwork for a company and I really don't even like the stuff I do for myself right now. So on one hand, they are really great opportunities but just too much. And that's depressing. I have talents I can't even really use. Bad timing...I think worse that I was asked to be involved with both at about the same time, also when I need to say yes to something positive, but have to say NO to both.

The pain and tension is just shortening my days...when I avoid taking muscle relaxants so I can get out more, I pay for it. So I do need the back pain to be done! It's a stress vortex I'm trapped in.

That being said, I have to look for how I can be involved. I'm too depressed and stressed out. These are the kinds of things I want to do. I don't know when I'm setting a healthy boundary because I used to say yes to everything and worked or volunteered on committees for up to 60 hours a week, running on fumes. With these projects, I think it's just realistic to decline. But I resent it quite a lot.

 

[bell]

A few thoughts:

* If you're in pain don't do it.
* How much of this is negative self talk?
* By not taking at least one of these opportunities, what could you be missing out on?
* Is it possible that staying depressed is easier than saying yes?
* Where does the fear really lie?
* What do you honestly have to lose from saying yes, since you're already down?

Again, I say this because I've recently said yes to some things that scared to crap out of me... Specifically because I needed that fear to shift me out of a dark place and nudge me towards seeing things objectively.

You don't "have" to say no to both, instead, you are "convincing" yourself that you have to- 2 totally different things.

If someone is requesting your artwork, that means they like it. Therefore, who cares if you don't like what you're doing for yourself? THEY like it and want it and if they are willing to pay you and you like the process, literally, what is the downside of trying?

It's important to set boundaries and that's good you're doing so; however, boundaries don't mean quitting, which it kind of sounds like you're doing. Your posts above are full of excuses (except the pain part), not actual reasons not to do something.

If those last 2 sentences make you mad, good. Use it to fight the negative self talk and work through this, which you can do.

 

[Chava]

Your posts above are full of excuses (except the pain part), not actual reasons not to do something.

Having an injury is really a reason to not play violin several hours a day (MRI indicated a load of fluid in my shoulder, even after months of physical therapy). And artwork for a major company IS a big commitment, especially when it is not my main career and I don't even do artwork right now. It would be saying yes to a load of pressure and re-injury, but I resent that I've felt trapped in lots of ways lately so this adds to it. I need to find something positive, but these aren't it...and it simply makes me sad. I appreciate that you are trying to relate Bell, but I feel like it's coming purely from your own experience vs trying to understand mine and telling me I'm making excuses. I didn't want to go into my reasons, but added the note on injury hoping you'd understand better how I make a disappointing decision like this. So it feels unhelpful, like reminding me how much my life sucks. I know. But my shoulder is completely unstable and I can't fix it in five days. And when I get back into more artwork, I want it to express something un-commissioned. Creating is complicated work. So while playing my violin for too many hours is a stupid risk, the artwork feels like a risk that will add more stress than joy to my life right now. It's not like a weekend art show. It's a long, major commitment, and I don't feel like I'm in a good place to say yes to that.

Hoping to say yes to something, because I am stuck in safety mode (and it helps having gentle nudges out of that, where appropriate and not just a set up for more problems). And I'm not perfect at navigating chronic pain (back). Telling me I'm making excuses is kind of a slap in the face, even if you're trying to help... I've denied the truth of my body for too long and disregarded its messages and I've paid for it. I'm listening to it now, but it makes me mad a lot. That's all.

 

[bell]

It is complicated. However, when we have PTSD our minds can try very hard to keep us from growing because often times in the past growth has been scary or dangerous.

Bottom line, if you don't want to do them, you are right to say no. But make sure you are saying no for the right reasons, instead of saying no for reasons surrounding fear.

And if playing the violin and doing artwork are not fun, find something else. I said what I said above because doing nothing can be self-perpetuating and keep us stuck. Doing something, anything, can often provide us with a perspective that we never could have seen before we started.

You don't have to be good, but do owe it to yourself to find something you enjoy.

 

[Chava]

I just edited my last post a little. Anyway, it's not about fun. I feel like you haven't been reading what I'm writing, Bell. Sorry, I know you're probably meaning to help.

 

[Chava]

p.s. I've already said no. These were good things I wanted to say yes to but am trying to learn to be realistic about my boundaries. I do work full time plus an adjunct position, plus chronic pain which I actually work around really well considering my work. I just don't have loads of room for big extras. These are big commitments that won't jive. But it's depressing to feel a lot of stress and then like I can't say yes to these positives. I do feel overwhelmed and even say no to littler things, but these were both meaningful. I would have said yes if my body would allow (or if I even felt creative...these are huge commitments to others). I'll enjoy artwork when I have time (this is not my job), probably more if not pressured by commission. Still hoping for opportunities to be involved in ways that make sense. It's just the trapped feeling, the feeling of limitations, that I loath. I used to work 60 hours weeks and not listen to my body. It didn't work. I've done a lot of physical damage. But coming down from that is just depressing. Accepting limitations is depressing. Having boundaries is just confusing.

My therapist supports me not doing these things, so its weird to have a stranger telling me I'm making excuses. I guess my point was just feeling trapped (by my own limitations and other stress) and also needing more positive experiences (badly!) but ones that fit within my limitations realistically...it's painful to navigate. I understand if my point wasn't clear...I seem to run into that a lot, but understand it's the internet and that's just how it goes. I did appreciate the suggestions to get out even when afraid, because I have run into that too. Just not the excuses bit and feeling like I'm justifying my decisions...not what I meant to get into...

 

[KwanYingirl]

Nice thread thanks for sharing!

 

[franciemarnie]

No way are you making excuses Chava. I hear you trying as hard as you can.

Re missed opportunities, would it be possible to say, I'd love to say yes, but physically it isn't possible. You don't have to say PTSD if that would make you or them uncomfortable. You could just say back pain makes moving impossible right now or something like that. So you could stay in the loop?

Sometimes, especially when we are in the midst of growth - which sometimes manifests in a whirlwind of chaos where nothing seems to be settling - its just so hard to know what to do. Things will change. Keep doing the next right thing. You are a fabulous person. Good times will come again.