ok to start off—I’m ok for right now this is more of a future worry that I won’t seek hospitalization if I need it because of my past 2 very bad experiences.
The first time— I told a friends mom to take me to the ER because I didn’t feel safe with myself and I didn’t want to burden my friend with that responsibility (who like me is in her early 20’s). I went at night, but haddn’t taken all of my meds when I got there and it took until about 2am to give me one ofmy meds (which has a side effect of lowering blood pressure). I went unfed for about 18 hrs and they didn’t get my morning or mid day meds before being evaluated and I signed a volentary hold.
The first two nights I was in a room with 2 women. One of whom accused me of telling my nurse that she was molesting me (she wasn’t), but it was very triggering. They also talked about sex a lot and it made me uncomfortable and hard for me to be able to go to my room to go to bed. On top of this, my doctor hardly every spoke to me except in the main room “just to see if I was ok”, but never ever talked to me longer than a minute or in private. It took me 3 days just to get sunglasses because I had recently sustained a concussion (and they practicedmade it much worse). The only way I would get information on anything was through my friends mom. They doubled 2 of my medications without telling me. And multiple times wouldn’t tell me they weren’t releasing me, even after 8 days.
My doctor had initially said he would trust my judgement since I admitted myself, but that wasn’t true. I naturally would get very upset by this and got to my room and cry. If I cried longer than 10 minutes the nurse would rip me out of the room,threated to call security (which is also triggering to me) and try to give me haldol and benadryl without telling me what it was. (My outpatient psychiatrist said the only way that would happen is if my doctor previously ok-ed it which made no sense since I have no history of violence and I and young and very small, so that should be the absolute last measure taken). At one point he basically said it was too much paperwork to do it on that day. Apperently, they didn’t want to let me go because I seemed “timid” with my doctor. well no duh a strange man who doesn’t communicate with me is dictating my freedom and I have PTSD. I only got out because my friends mom called the social worker and harrassed them enough.
The second time—my meds were going a bit wonky and my moods were swinging up and down for a day or so and I called my psychiatrists after-hrs line just to check what was ok or not. They thought it was a bit borderline, but suggested I go to the er at that time since it was early evening and better to get it out of the way than have an emergent situation in the middle of the night (especially since I live alone). Well the er seemed confused as to why I was there and sent me an incompotent social worker. Even though I insisted I wasn’t suicidal or a danger to myself he decided I was and made me sign a hold at 3 am. Clearly no one else throught I was a danger because until 4 oclock the next day I had to walk to the nurses station and ask for my meds or food. Then I was tranfered.
I was in an 8 patient unit (so no lock downs like the 1st one) in a psychiatric hospital that was suppossed to have specialized treatment and we actually were supposed to get psychiatric care instead of just med management. Except when one patient dissciated the nurse was aggressive towards her and forced her out out it and the girl ended up fainting in the hall and the nurse was still agressive. Multiple things in my chart were flat out wring and I told every single person I encounted what they were and no one including my doctor would change it (one of which said my father is in jail in columbia which is no where close to true and no one wiuld change it)
My doctor only showed up after our mandated bedtime amd after talking to me about my meds for 5 minutes in the middle of the night decided I am also majorly depressed (which I am not). Dispite this he later took me off the ssri I was taking way too quickly and I got withdrawl the the few days following that. He also decided I was addicted to my Klonopin (it’s a benzo) and tapered me to less than half my usual dose and put a 24hr timer on each dose (meaning I’d be penalized susiquent days if the nurse didn’t get around to giving it to me right when I needed it). But didn’t replace it with anything, but then told me my resulting anxiety was because of my dependence not because they stripped everything away. One nurse wouldn’t even give me my meds and tell me to “just be positive”, which is hard enough for me to be ok being on meds at all and the who is supposed to be giving them told me no even when they were prescribed. Multiple calls from my doctor, therapist, and friends mom were all ignored (even though they had releases to talk to all of them). I omly got out once again because of my friends mom—who had to email and call the head of the facility.
I don’t know how to I can keep myself safe if I don’t feel safe getting help from these facilities. Both experiences were very traumatic and only backpeddled my recovery. It felt so isolating and both places claim they saw me “get better” but really it was just the shell I developed from hiding my PTSD for 8 years before this. I have really really bad experiences feeling unheard and lied to. The complete lack of control is very detrimental to me when I’m trying to learn how to be empowered and have a voice and a say in my life. I tried to not be “help rejecting” like I was before and I only feel punished for it. I only feel punished for trying to get help before it got out of control. And I’m scared because my only advocate seems to be my friend’s mom. But her mom has been a much better friend to me than my friend. Not only was she constantly making sure I was getting treated fairly, she called me at least once or visited me every day. My friend never called me once in 14 days total. Even a few not very close friends called me at least a few times. So, I don’t know how much longer I have her as an advocate. And I want to be my own advocate, but the only people who listen are my therapist or psychiatrist and a lot of time they aren’t able to help me in a tangible way.
The first time— I told a friends mom to take me to the ER because I didn’t feel safe with myself and I didn’t want to burden my friend with that responsibility (who like me is in her early 20’s). I went at night, but haddn’t taken all of my meds when I got there and it took until about 2am to give me one ofmy meds (which has a side effect of lowering blood pressure). I went unfed for about 18 hrs and they didn’t get my morning or mid day meds before being evaluated and I signed a volentary hold.
The first two nights I was in a room with 2 women. One of whom accused me of telling my nurse that she was molesting me (she wasn’t), but it was very triggering. They also talked about sex a lot and it made me uncomfortable and hard for me to be able to go to my room to go to bed. On top of this, my doctor hardly every spoke to me except in the main room “just to see if I was ok”, but never ever talked to me longer than a minute or in private. It took me 3 days just to get sunglasses because I had recently sustained a concussion (and they practicedmade it much worse). The only way I would get information on anything was through my friends mom. They doubled 2 of my medications without telling me. And multiple times wouldn’t tell me they weren’t releasing me, even after 8 days.
My doctor had initially said he would trust my judgement since I admitted myself, but that wasn’t true. I naturally would get very upset by this and got to my room and cry. If I cried longer than 10 minutes the nurse would rip me out of the room,threated to call security (which is also triggering to me) and try to give me haldol and benadryl without telling me what it was. (My outpatient psychiatrist said the only way that would happen is if my doctor previously ok-ed it which made no sense since I have no history of violence and I and young and very small, so that should be the absolute last measure taken). At one point he basically said it was too much paperwork to do it on that day. Apperently, they didn’t want to let me go because I seemed “timid” with my doctor. well no duh a strange man who doesn’t communicate with me is dictating my freedom and I have PTSD. I only got out because my friends mom called the social worker and harrassed them enough.
The second time—my meds were going a bit wonky and my moods were swinging up and down for a day or so and I called my psychiatrists after-hrs line just to check what was ok or not. They thought it was a bit borderline, but suggested I go to the er at that time since it was early evening and better to get it out of the way than have an emergent situation in the middle of the night (especially since I live alone). Well the er seemed confused as to why I was there and sent me an incompotent social worker. Even though I insisted I wasn’t suicidal or a danger to myself he decided I was and made me sign a hold at 3 am. Clearly no one else throught I was a danger because until 4 oclock the next day I had to walk to the nurses station and ask for my meds or food. Then I was tranfered.
I was in an 8 patient unit (so no lock downs like the 1st one) in a psychiatric hospital that was suppossed to have specialized treatment and we actually were supposed to get psychiatric care instead of just med management. Except when one patient dissciated the nurse was aggressive towards her and forced her out out it and the girl ended up fainting in the hall and the nurse was still agressive. Multiple things in my chart were flat out wring and I told every single person I encounted what they were and no one including my doctor would change it (one of which said my father is in jail in columbia which is no where close to true and no one wiuld change it)
My doctor only showed up after our mandated bedtime amd after talking to me about my meds for 5 minutes in the middle of the night decided I am also majorly depressed (which I am not). Dispite this he later took me off the ssri I was taking way too quickly and I got withdrawl the the few days following that. He also decided I was addicted to my Klonopin (it’s a benzo) and tapered me to less than half my usual dose and put a 24hr timer on each dose (meaning I’d be penalized susiquent days if the nurse didn’t get around to giving it to me right when I needed it). But didn’t replace it with anything, but then told me my resulting anxiety was because of my dependence not because they stripped everything away. One nurse wouldn’t even give me my meds and tell me to “just be positive”, which is hard enough for me to be ok being on meds at all and the who is supposed to be giving them told me no even when they were prescribed. Multiple calls from my doctor, therapist, and friends mom were all ignored (even though they had releases to talk to all of them). I omly got out once again because of my friends mom—who had to email and call the head of the facility.
I don’t know how to I can keep myself safe if I don’t feel safe getting help from these facilities. Both experiences were very traumatic and only backpeddled my recovery. It felt so isolating and both places claim they saw me “get better” but really it was just the shell I developed from hiding my PTSD for 8 years before this. I have really really bad experiences feeling unheard and lied to. The complete lack of control is very detrimental to me when I’m trying to learn how to be empowered and have a voice and a say in my life. I tried to not be “help rejecting” like I was before and I only feel punished for it. I only feel punished for trying to get help before it got out of control. And I’m scared because my only advocate seems to be my friend’s mom. But her mom has been a much better friend to me than my friend. Not only was she constantly making sure I was getting treated fairly, she called me at least once or visited me every day. My friend never called me once in 14 days total. Even a few not very close friends called me at least a few times. So, I don’t know how much longer I have her as an advocate. And I want to be my own advocate, but the only people who listen are my therapist or psychiatrist and a lot of time they aren’t able to help me in a tangible way.
