Relationship Security

[Sighs]

A question for those supporters in long term relationships with a sufferer - do you ever feel secure in the relationship?

I have been with my vet for almost 18 months. We have been living together for about 10 months and bought a house together about 5 months ago.

He has "ended" the relationship a number of times with varying levels of seriousness - from a simple comment like "I can't be in a relationship with anyone" to "I don't love you anymore so I'm leaving and the house will have to be sold".

I don't really expect this to get any better - its part of the roller coaster. I'm wondering if you ever get to the point of thinking "yeah, yeah - in an hour you'll love me again" or does it feel just as gut wrenching every single time?

 

[The Gov]

The thing with PTSD is that you feel worthless and you do not expect anyone to feel love for you. While he is feeling like this, which could be for a long time, just give him support. Relationships are among the biggest casualty. I hope you have the strength to love him in spite of the pain he causes you. You are doing the best thing for your relationship by being here and learning about the problems faced by partners and following this post you will see similar stories unfortunately. Sufferers of PTSD are destructive and as a partner you will see that in everything he does.

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi @Sighs - I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this. You already know much of my story already, and I've been with my guy less than 6 months, so I don't have any advice to offer, only support and hugs if you need them.

My guy hasn't said anything similiar to what you've reported (yet!), but he has said he felt confused, and has of course withdrawn for a period of time early on (ie. he kept in text contact and I spent time with him when others were around, but I didn't actually spend time alone with him for many weeks - by the end of that time I was certain that the relationship was over, so I was surprised and confused when he 'came back'). Reading through your, and others, posts though, I often worry that the scenario that you've mentioned is what I have to look forward to down the track, when (if!) we move in together.

I hope you don't mind me asking you a question @Sighs (I hope I don't sound insensitive and if you'd prefer not to answer, I completely understand - just trying to get my head around what I should expect down the track) - has your man said things like this the whole way through the relationship, or did he only start once the relationship started getting serious (ie. living together or whatever)?

I very much hope that things improve with time - all the best.

 

[Sighs]

@Wastinglight - its something that has come up periodically. In the early stages it was along the lines of "you'll get sick of me" or "I'll understand if you don't want to be with me". As the relationship became more serious the 'break ups' became more serious as well - which makes sense in a way because you have more to dismantle.

I love this man so much but I find it very difficult to think long term - he might say something about Christmas and in my head I think "if we're still together by then..."

Thanks for the hugs!

 

[Sighs]

@The Gov - if I had one wish it would be for him to see himself the way I see him - so far from worthless!

 

[Wastinglight]

if I had one wish it would be for him to see himself the way I see him - so far from worthless!

I understand that sentiment very well - that is what I wish for my guy too!

And thank you for your answer. This is precisely the sort of thing I worry about. I'm trying to just relax and enjoy myself, because for the past month or so we've been going along well. But I feel like I shouldn't get comfortable - just in case it's all pulled out from under me tomorrow! It's not really something I'm really stressing about right now (that'll be because things are going well at the mo), it's just in the back of my mind a lot.

Actually, now that I think about it, the thing that REALLY worries me, is that if this kind of thing starts happening, and I do manage to deal with it to the point that I'm not fazed when he withdraws/wants to break up/whatever.... how do I stop myself from sliding even further, until I get to the point where I have numbed my feelings to the extent that I really don't care anymore? This is precisely what happened in my last relationship (also with a PTSD sufferer). Every time he had an 'episode', I stuffed down my emotions, and convinced myself that it was fine, and he would 'come to his senses' (so to speak, no disrespect to any sufferers, it's just how I ended up thinking about it - self protection mechanism) soon enough. And then one day I woke up and realised that I didn't feel anything at all for him anymore. And that's the thing that scares me this time around.

@Sighs - So maybe in some strange way it's kind-of a good thing that you still feel that pain every time he does this? It shows how fiercely you still care about him, and the relationship. I know that's a weird way of looking at it, but perhaps if you end up being blase about it, maybe that's the beginning of the end?

Sorry, I have no idea if any of that made sense or is of help to you - all of those thoughts literally just occurred to me while I was typing! (you might find I edit or post again once I think more on it!)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

can I throw a wrench in this?

as someone who has difficulty feeling any sort of security in life whatsoever, feeling secure in a relationship is waaaay down on the priority list (even if I'm in one). That is, generally feeling safe trumps feeling safe in a specific facet of life. Does this make sense?

Oh, I'm a sufferer. I say this so that perhaps you can understand why we can't always give you the safety you need. We are working on a basic NEED for life (feeling safe) whereas safety in the context of a relationship isn't a need but a want. [Pyramid of Needs.]

 

[Wastinglight]

That is, generally feeling safe trumps feeling safe in a specific facet of life. Does this make sense?

I think that makes perfect sense. Thanks for the insight!

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I don't know. I am in a relationship now and all I can do is feel worthless for not being better, more normal. For her.

I feel like I am not good enough at all times. I need her support, I need validation. I have barely any self-respect. Just support him and validate him, that often helps, valve for the hate, pain and stress to go away.

 

[Sighs]

@Solara - thank's for giving the sufferer's point of view. I do get that he's struggling with his own stuff and that its not intended to hurt me.

Yesterday was a classic example of my stuff and his stuff creating a clusterf*ck! We were working in the garden digging holes for trees. He has a bad back and had cuts on his hands but being a vet he just pushes through it. I'm a small woman and I work in an office. I was struggling with the physical nature of the work. What I said was "Is this the sort of hard work your ex-girlfriend told you she wasn't prepared to do?" By which I meant "look at me - look how hard I'm working - I'm better than your ex-girlfriend - love me more!" I think he heard "You are an evil slave driver working me into the ground." His response was to say "I'm sorry for having the drive and initiative to plant us a windbreak. Go inside and cry if its all too hard. I don't want to see your face."

I went inside and did all the housework I could find to do. After a couple of hours I thought he would have calmed down so I went and asked him if I could help him at all. He said no. I went for a walk in the back paddock for about an hour. When I came back to the house I made him a cup of tea and took it to him. He said he didn't want it. I put it down and started to walk away. He told me to tip out the tea and take the mug inside. I did.

I was so upset that I grabbed my phone and walked down to the road. I walked for 10km. I didn't really have a plan - just that I can't sit still when I am upset. After 10km I turned around to walk back home. I knew he wouldn't notice I was missing until it was dark because he was avoiding me. He hadn't seen me leave. I had walked about 7km home but had slowed down as my feet were very sore and it got dark. He called my mobile. He asked me where I was and I told him. He was very cold on the phone but he offered to come and pick me up. I said no thank you because I didn't want to be a bother. He called back a few minutes later and asked me again if I wanted him to come and get me. I said yes.

When he collected me I thanked him and he ignored me. So, I wasn't forgiven yet. When we got home I honestly didn't know whether to pack my bags and go or not. He was still very angry with me. I made him dinner and he said thank you in a very polite distant tone. When we went to bed he kissed me goodnight on the cheek instead of the lips and rolled over straight away instead of cuddling me like he usually does.

I couldn't sleep. I lay awake for hours trying not to wake him. My mind was racing. Eventually at about 5am I got up and started to get dressed for work. He called out "what are you doing?" I said I couldn't sleep and climbed back into bed hoping for a cuddle. He said "so why are you getting back into bed then?" I got out again and got dressed. I kissed him goodbye and he said "have a nice day". I went and sat in my car and howled like a baby for about 5 minutes. Then I went back inside and asked for a hug. He gave me half a hug and said his hands were sore from all the digging he did the day before. I stood there and he got irritated and asked me what was wrong. I said nothing and left for work.

I realise I was behaving in a very immature way and I can see why he was irritated, but it was only one small comment and it was not meant as an attack on him at all. I apologised. I explained what I meant and he just said he was sick of hearing about it and I shouldn't compare myself to her anyway. (Which is all very well but he's the one who told me that she had amazing big breasts and that he was so attracted to her and that he was ready to love "big" but that she wouldn't let him get close to her - I can't help feeling like his second choice.)

Sigh! I don't even think that was really PTSD - just relationships. Now I'm exhausted, sore from walking all that way and he has not answered my usual "safe at work - love you" text. This really really sucks!