Childhood Seeing Your Abuser

[Deleted member 1860]

Do you see the dynamics here? HE abused YOU yet YOU are the one who has to "work through the issues". WHY!?!?! I feel this is as close to victim blaming as you can get without actually blaming the victim!

Nobody ever says "well, I need to work out my own mental issues with my rapist so I can be around him again!" (Date rape, stranger rape, whatever.) So why do it in this case?

I think you're in a lot of denial. I think you're willing to put yourself on the back burner for the sake of having a family. News flash, you came up with a big fat zero in the family lottery. (A lot of us have.)

Sorry if this seems a bit blunt, but I see you taking on a lot of responsibility for what happened. As it is, I'm sure the new wife doesn't know anything of what he did to you, so in that sense, you've already thrown her under the bus by your silence. Are you willing to throw your future nieces and nephews under the same bus?

Read up on the pyramid of needs. Safety is at the bottom (a foundational need), yet you don't even show a desire to KEEP that feeling of safety. Maybe your safety is intact somewhat, but if it ever goes completely KAPUT, you will know it, and yes, its the WORST feeling in the world. You'll sit there and beat yourself up for not putting your need for safety first. (No exaggeration here.)

Maybe one day you'll realize that your family is a fraud and that your needs come first.

 

[Queen Boudica]

My ex H raped and was violent to his younger sister. And he was violent to both his younger sisters. It went on for years. He then went on to be violent and emotionally abusive to me. We have kids and I am afraid of what he will do to them. He already was grooming the eldest daughter.

He denied what he did to his sister, made it look innocent. He still is incapable of seeing the damage he did. I am glad I finally went back to his sister and got the truth as I was able to see what was happening with my eldest and finally put protections in place. If I had not known I would not have been able to protect my kids.

I agree with @Solara. You need to come first.

 

[Seagreen]

I still have an ok relationship with one of my abusers. It was childhood sexual abuse as well, although it was 'mild' abuse. I wasn't harmed physically or penetrated. I still think about it every time I see that person. But it doesn't trigger me like other things do. It may be possible for you to have a relationship with your brother depending on your circumstances. I think it is important to acknowledge all of your feelings and do what you feel would be best for you.

 

[littlelotte]

Sorry for taking so long to reply and thank you so much for all the responses! I ended up spending all day yesterday decorating for Christmas. I’ll start at the top and work my way down.

@Chava: My brother is 3.5 years older than me. He knew better, and was very careful of when he was abusive to make sure our parents didn’t see. To make it worse, my parents made me see a T when I was 10 yrs old to see if it would help me cope with health issues. I told the T about the abuse and she asked my mom about it in front of my brother. So, in front of my brother my mom told the T that I say that all the time and it’s not true. At that point the abuse got much worse because he knew he could get away with it. Sadly the T didn’t purse it like she was legally required to do.

My parents also had a ‘baby sitter’ for us when we were off school in the summer basically until he went to college because they knew he would hurt me. My mom did think that he may have done something when I was in high school because she realized that the amount I didn’t want to be around him was not normal. At that point it was way too late, the abuse was mostly over.

@rightkindofme: How he was emotionally abusive to her is complicated. It is not direct and would not be emotionally abusive to me, but is to her because she cares about what he thinks of her clothes etc. She didn’t take these comments in an abusive way until there started being a lot of issues in her family. She also never told him it started bothering her, so he didn’t know. My parents talked to him about it when I told them and they witnessed it, supposedly he now watches what he says better.

If I found out he abuses his kids, I’ll report him in a flash! I am very protective of those I care about.

@stenni: I’m glad your brother was genuinely sorry. I’m not sure if I want to broach the subject with him, but I probably will eventually. I chatted today with my T about how to accomplish seeing him again once I’m there. We talked through a plan where I go visit him so I am at a hotel and can easily limit the time I’m with him. She liked the plan, but it will likely be a year or more before I’m there. I’m not trying to make this happen tomorrow, just eventually.

@GWizz: I’m actually living with my parents at the moment. My boss was very verbally abusive and became first a trigger and then part of my PTSD. I ended up having to leave that job and am working in my hometown now. I love living with my parents, we have a great relationship. Mom and I have talk frequently about things and she fully accepts responsibility, more than what belongs to her. Dad struggles to understand the emotional, but does his best and is supportive. They do not push me to see him (with the exception of the wedding for obvious reasons). My brother and his wife want to do a family vacation after Christmas 2015, and I’ve already made it clear to my parents that I will not be going and they support my decision. They want to help because they know I want to be involved in family things, but they know better than to push.

@Justmehere: Thankfully, I only had one abusive family member. I cannot imagine staying in contact with him on a regular basis. I had about 8 months of work before the wedding and the wedding was still a huge setback even those no abuse happened. I’m hoping with more years of work that I can spend limited time with him. Thanks for sharing your experiences, every bit on insight helps.

@Santa_Laurie: I’m so sorry about what happened.

@scout86: I have had similar discussions with my T and I think it is more complicated than that. On the surface, everything with me seems fine to him. So there is no reason for me to think that just because he doesn’t seem bothered on the surface, he doesn’t feel very guilty. There is no way for me to know what/if he remembers unless I broach the subject. For now I’m not willing to go there though.

@Justmehere: My parents would be, and I think he would be too if I decided to go that direction. For now, I’m not ready to broach the subject for him.

@Solara: I completely understand where you are coming from. It’s difficult when you only know part of the story. I also had long discussions with my T about wanting to tell the girlfriend. Long story short, it is not my responsibility and she wouldn’t have believed me anyway. There are also a lot of differences between who is was then and who he is now. He still angers easily, but she has seen that all along and decided she is fine with that. I have told her bits and pieces and she still married him.

@Seagreen: Thanks, I’m giving it time and hoping I can heal enough to have some semblance of a relationship with him.

 

[Anonymous123]

Stay away from the abuser if you can. I was emotionally abused by my brother my entire adult life. He wasn’t around that much when I was a child. Whenever I get around him I just cringe and tense up, and relive the abuse over again. Unfortunate circumstances recently led me (forced me) to live with my mother again. My mother protects my brother even though she witnesses the abuse, even to the point where she puts the blame on me. I have been on the road to recovery and trying to work past it. He came last week and just stayed. I live here and my body just completely tenses up, I relive the abuse, and I feel almost suicidal even being in the same house as him. It hasn’t been just an evening it’s been a week so far. If you can stay away from your abuser, please do so. That is only way to recovery. I was away from my abuser for over 2 years, and during that time I really blossomed. But as soon as I got around him at all collapsed,and regressed. Please stay away if you can, it’s the only way to recover.